dating in the closet-is this a bad idea?

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frostbite
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28 Nov 2012, 5:52 pm

So I have this dilemma. In the last month and a bit, I stopped denying to myself that I find men to be HOT and now I'm putting myself out there in the gay world. I currently identify as bisexual, but men are looking more and more preferable. I am not ashamed of this nor is this my problem. My problem is that I come from an ultra conservative, devout Christian family (the not so friendly to gays kind). I love them dearly and they love me. In order to avoid straining this relationship with my family, I choose to remain in the closet, but I also wanna follow my heart and pursue my 'interests'. Obviously I am a little concerned that this could blow up in my face. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Can anyone offer me a little advice? It would be greatly appreciated :)



visagrunt
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28 Nov 2012, 6:08 pm

Every out man was once an in man. We come out at different times, and for different reasons, but one thing we all have in common is that we have contemplated the decision about when and whether to come out.

So you should not feel any hesitation about telling a man that you are with, "I'm not out to my family, yet." If you make sure that he knows the place that you are in, you can then expect him to behave accordingly.

But one major piece of advice that I would offer is, when the time comes, make sure that you tell your family before they find out from somewhere else. You will make the decision about when you are reading to come out, but make sure that you don't wind up outing yourself before that.


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28 Nov 2012, 11:15 pm

Unfortunately, there isn't much you can do about the reality of the situation or control the reactions of those around you. One of the questions you will have to answer within yourself is whether you want those close-minded family members to define you by a single personality trait (namely your sexuality) or whether you want to be private about it.

Cool that you're finding guys particularly hot right now, BTW. That doesn't necessarily mean your becoming more gay though. My own pendulum swings back and forth between the sexes so you might want to give things time before identifying yourself as just gay or just bi. Good luck. :)



Solvejg
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29 Nov 2012, 10:27 pm

I am in a bit of a differant situation. I will never dream of coming "OUT" to my family. I have never actually come out to anyone really as it is so very obvious i am not a normal female into normal girls ways. When i casually mention to people i am gender neutral bordering on transman there is little to no surprise. more like no duh. Really it is nobody's business who or what i am except myself and my potential partners.



CftxP
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30 Nov 2012, 4:03 am

I've never been in your situation before, or in a relationship, but I can offer you some advice.

In John 13:34-35, it says "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” You might not want to come "out" but your family accepting you as yourself is something that the Bible teaches so if you ever decide to go on with that, there's at least one passage for you to put at your disposal.

That said, it really shouldn't matter what your family thinks, at the end of the day, they are as they are while you are who you are, don't let conformity get the best of you since true love means accepting all despite the differences. I, too, came from a pretty conservative Christian family and it took them years to realize that it's wrong to judge me, it eventually did bite them, I'm no longer religious at all but I did find, in myself, a good sense of spirituality that will probably linger for a good while. :)

What's really important in life is being happy, you'll never be truly happy in the closet, it's a dark and lonely place that eventually gets you insane from hiding for so long. Trust me, I know that feeling, "coming out" really does tell who your real friends are though, if they pass that test they're friends for life! That's how you become happy, accepting yourself and making sure that friends and family do too.

But also, I realize that other "interests" can be tempting, but please tell me you're not doing too much. Due to personal inhibitions and morals I'm abstinent so it might seem incomprehensible that I've never "done it" but yeah, not all about that stuff you know? Make sure that you stay safe (condoms belong there) and that your heart doesn't, well, break too often, or at least learn to deal with it! Best of luck for you. ;)



frostbite
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30 Nov 2012, 1:51 pm

CftxP wrote:
I've never been in your situation before, or in a relationship, but I can offer you some advice.

In John 13:34-35, it says "A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” You might not want to come "out" but your family accepting you as yourself is something that the Bible teaches so if you ever decide to go on with that, there's at least one passage for you to put at your disposal.


Thanks for the advice C

CftxP wrote:
But also, I realize that other "interests" can be tempting, but please tell me you're not doing too much. Due to personal inhibitions and morals I'm abstinent so it might seem incomprehensible that I've never "done it" but yeah, not all about that stuff you know? Make sure that you stay safe (condoms belong there) and that your heart doesn't, well, break too often, or at least learn to deal with it! Best of luck for you. ;)


lol. Don't worry C, I respect my body and I demand respect from any potential future partners. I haven't done anything yet, but I plan to eventually. I am also adamant about condom use. I am always guarding my heart. I hope this puts your mind at ease :)



Mummy_of_Peanut
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03 Dec 2012, 9:18 am

OP, You have to do what pleases you. I have a friend who is gay and in a civil partnership. His family don't stay nearby, don't know he's gay and don't know about his partner. We were at the ceremony and it was sad, because almost everyone there were his partner's family and friends. The reason for this secret is religion. His parents are Christian, I think possibly Baptist. He hasn't even tried to come out, because he knows their views on the matter, but I really think he should tell them. He might have a falling out with them, but the relationship is obviously strained anyway. I can't imagine what they talk about, as they don't have a clue about his life and don't even know about the existence of his partner. Perhaps they know deep down. His partner had similar concerns about telling his family and took ages to tell them. They're Catholic. They're actually fine with it (well most of them are).


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