Is it the rejection that hurts?

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I had a difficult year. Amongst other things, the one man I found who I thought was suited for me and vice-versa, has now for the second time hurt me profoundly.

Yes, I allowed him a second chance, because I am not the type of girl to go offending, screaming and shouting, when things no longer work, and blame it all on the other party. You could say I am the opposite of the over dramatic. I try to see the best of people, and I always believe where there is a will, there is a way.

I tend to isolate myself even more when these things happen, and hope that time will slowly heal. Yeah, last time it took me 4 years to recuperate.

To cut a long story short, we had a lunch early this month (the third December) and I then, later in the week, emailed him, telling him I had from the 22nd to the 31st off work, and could he do one of those days? No answer. I left it at that, as he did write back daily but never mentioning yes or no.

I then brought it up again, simply because its the Xmas period, and as much as I like being on my own, it is also my Birthday on the 27th, and I have a lot of painful memories from childhood that I struggle to put to the back of my mind during this season. So I was thinking of having a family member from Portugal, come over, and at least I wouldn't be the saddo I always am. But I was giving him the priority because I know it's hard for him with work to get time off, plus family commitments, etc.

Yesterday he sent me an email in the morning and said "are the dates, from 21 to 31st? x" and I just said "yes they are".

He did't say anything all day, and I guess, I was assumed he was checking his calendar or diary or whatever. A friend of mine said it was a good sign, he must have asked for a reason.

Late last night I got this:

'The reason I don't answer things like that is that I tend to think you are spoiling for an argument. How can I possibly do that? It's the X-mas holiday and I'm away. I would have to tell the mother of all lies, and lie to everyone. And I'm *so* tired of lies.

And, if I just say, "No can do." I know you'll go off on one. And we getting in these email arguments that drag me down. So, I ignore it.x"

So, I calmly just said, that's fine, but now it *is* definitely the end of the road. Not because he can't make any of those days (I was never pushy with dates, EVER, I merely had to ask him every time or he would never plan them himself). It was the dismisive way in which he answered, and the cruelty of having again asked me to confirm the dates, leaving a whole 12 hours in between, giving me hope he was going to look into it, to then come back and make it sound like I am being a nuisance?

So what's the point in a relationship like this?

I told him we are better off without each other. That I cannot hurt anymore (this is the threshold), (he has done so much, or should I say so little in the past year, see Billiscool post where he talks about his lost gf).

I don't think it is specifically him that is hurting me, but his rejection? Somehow I am never good enough. I thought this guy understood me because we both have AS, but I now see that he is far more clever emotionally, and he admitted to lying about certain things, which totally shocked me, because I always said if anything, I wanted this relationship based on truth.

And I know you guys will probably call me an idiot too, but I finalise the email telling him that my heart was broken and it hurt really bad. Not because he cant give me one of those dates, but because he didn't bother and up to the very end, he never, ever told me he cared.

Thanks for listening.

Thank you Keniichi. Words like yours, are a healing patch. x

What she said~

He didn't seem to take the relationship as seriously as you and that's not healthy.
And the way he assumed you were 'spoiling for a fight' was just plain over thinking on his part.

I'd say this is for the best :3
So keep your chin up~

You need a hug after all that. *hugs*

I hate when people do this...I am going through something similar (although not quite the same), and it sucks when you give someone space and they blatantly ignore you or tell you that you are being pushy.

Do what I have done, and cut them out of your life....we don't need to feel like we are the bad ones here...especially when we gave them space.

Is this the same married guy, aspiesandra27, that you wrote about weeks ago?

If it is, for whatever's sake, let it go. You let go already and that's a good thing, now let it go again and this time for good.

Peace be with you and I do hope you have a happy birthday, even if it's by yourself or that family member from Portugal.

Thank you everyone, I mean that from the bottom of my heart.

You guys have been my pillar of strength from the day I joined these forums, it has been comforting, enriching, and rewarding to have the pleasure of "meeting" people like you.

Big hug to everyone.

Esther, yes it is, and I *will* let go now. I do need the peace, I realise that is what has been missing. Thank you for your birthday wishes. My family member has just confirmed he is coming over on the 24th.

CrazyStarlightRedux, I needed that hug. Sometimes, just those words, can be the difference between despair, and knowing you are not alone. Hug back. Yes, the space accusation, was so not applicable to me. I had lunch with a wonderful lady today (this is very rare for me to go out for lunch) and she said "the problem is, he fell into a sense of security. He took you for granted. He might even love you, but despite his AS, he is not stupid, and he inevitably, will feel what he has lost. You are one of the loveliest people I know, and you deserve much better. I know this doesn't make much sense now, but one day, it will. You have been very strong and you can hold your head high because you gave the best of who you are"

BrokenEnvoke: No, he didn't. Or if he did, he didn't show it much, did he? He *was* prone to over thinking. One thing I feel happy about. That I wasn't nasty, or said anything bitter. I was kind even in my goodbye. I always like to leave people with kind words, because I don't want to have any regrets. Despite all this I know he had a lot of wonderful characteristics. Deep within me I want him to be happy too. It just cannot be with me anymore.

Once again...thank you, you lovely people.


I will survive this. Now...I know I will.

Cheer up. It's not rejection. It's incompatibility. Aren't you tired of him already? Same old stuff all the time. Move on and try to meet new men. I feel that a man should be a warm friend before he can be a lover. The guy you have now is more like a difficult acquiantance... Someone who is such a bother that you hate to even ask them for anything at all. The potential of complete strangers are more hopeful than his known and nasty retorts. You're better than him. He knows it and now you know it too. So smile big

I, myself, am a victim of rejection, and I must say that it is a royal pain in the buttocks.

RightGalaxy? Mwahhhhhh

RunnerRedesign? Give me your hand...

Sounds like you two just couldn't communicate well... if you had a certain tone in your voice, he'd interpret it badly. Maybe you were annoyed and he could hear it in your voice, or he just interpreted every last thing in the worst way possible... very hard to say from my side of the screen.

Still, it's a shame you two couldn't get on the same page and communicate before things dun' blowed up real gewd.

hugs

Bluemax, this was in writing.

I always attempted to communicate well, he just never bothered. Most of the times, what wasn't convenient for him, he just ignored. I think he expected that I had a duty to him, and I had to just count my blessings, to have him, whenever he bothered to do so. x

I tend to feel like this when I get rejected heartbroken and down! [youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9hX_zMsGig[/youtube]

You met a nice woman at least! She gave crucial advise too...so it's a sign to move on I think.

There really is no point pursing this further. I don't think it's the rejection that hurting you - I think it's the "what could have been" that is bugging the hell out of you. There is still some hope - or at least, there was, and that is why this is getting to you.

There is no way in hell that this guy is ready for a relationship. In his message, you could clearly see he was coming from a completely negative mindset... making assumptions, making judgements, acting on those, projecting onto you things you had never said. This dude doesn't even trust himself - there is no way he is going to be able to trust you or anyone else right now - let alone his relationship with you.

I would let it go - this to me screams "not ready".

AspieOtaku Hugs.

CrazyStarlightRedux, yes, true, I appreciate all the tenderness and friendship.

Kjas, thanks. It's always good to hear others point of view. You make sense. You make *a lot* of sense. I am touched by everyone's kindness.

ike I said before it's been a tough year. I lost one of my pets, I lost my voice for 6 months, I have been messed around professionally and now this. But I have to keep positive. After the dark, comes the light. And you guys are the rays that are warming me right now.

Off to work. Thank you so much.