The hardest part is saying goodbye

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For anyone who hasn't read my other post, I'm coping with the separation and eminent divorce of my wife of 6 years and my best friend for nearly 12.
She walked out on October 7th, shaking with tears she held me tighter then she ever had and couldn't stop saying she was sorry but she just couldn't do it anymore.
This was a devastating blow to me, as my world revolved around her and we had been trying to conceive for 11 months. I made a lot of small mistakes and a few large ones that accumulated over time.

The past 2 months have been up and down. We want to remain friends no matter what and neither of us will ever regret marrying. We both acknowledge that we had something beautiful and special but failed to maintain it. Our marriage was like an orchid. Stunning in its beauty, something that shows you how wonderful life really is if you take the time to enjoy it. Like an orchid without proper care it wilted and died.

Throughout our two months of separation shes had the constant support of friends, family, and an ex boyfriend from 10 years ago that always remained close to her and her family. I've never been jealous of him for the relationship they had, or even for them staying friends. I've always been jealous that he knew how to be a better friend to her then me.

I met my wife for dinner tonight and we talked. We sat down in her car and talked and cried for another hour or so. Finally she held my hand and told me that she'll always love me, and I can never be replaced. That she would love to be able to make this work, but that it would always be "tainted" for her and she wants a pure relationship. We cried, and hugged. I brushed her hair back over her ear, one of those little things I always loved to do. She made it very clear that she has absolutely had no romantic contact with her ex boyfriend. A few weeks after she moved out he made it clear that he would support her if she wanted to be with me, but he never stopped loving her. She has always had a way of bringing that out in people who were blessed to be close to her. I called him a hour later and said "Thank you, Thank you for being the friend she always needed. There was a time where I wasn't strong enough to be that friend. When shes ready for a relationship, if she wants you promise me that you'l try your best to make her happy, to provide her with the things she needs, and give her the life she deserves. The life I never could. I'm not angry at you, this isn't your fault. She left because of my mistakes. Just please understand that I'm always going to love her, no longer in a romantic way but as a dear friend and a special person who changed my life. I just want her to be happy"

I never though I would be strong enough to finally say goodbye, let alone give my blessing to the man who will likely be her next husband.

The other night I had the most beautiful dream: The alarm clock goes off and I roll over and stroke her hair and kiss her temple. She groans about having to get up as we get dressed. We kiss, say I love you and open the door to the hallway. Were greeted by a beautiful child. A girl about four years old with long red hair and mesmerizing hazel eyes. She looks at me and says "good morning daddy".

When I woke up I cried for hours, trying to fall back asleep. I wanted that to be reality and all of this to be a bad dream. Tonight I finally had to let go of that dream. I wish to god that I had seen what was important years ago. I wish that I had taken the time to cherish all the little things like brushing her hair behind her ear.

One day im going to have to see her pregnant by another man. I know shell be radiant and beautiful. Ill have to see her living my dream with someone else.

I sympathize deeply for you. I feel like my own marriage is heading that way; that I spent too long in denial of my problems and too much damage has been done. My wife tells me I'd be a great friend, but I'm a terrible husband. I believe her.

Is it generally your AS that caused this, or were there other factors? I don't think my wife has the inclination to be patient with me, and I'm beginning to see that, try as I might, I'll only be able to change so much.

Once again, so sorry. It took me a long time to reply to this; I'm sure many have read and don't even know how to respond, but I'll speak for us all; we're very sorry for your loss.

AS lead to some awkward situations with close friends and family, but she always tried to help me through it.The truth is: I made mistakes that I have to take ownership of. I cant blame a condition for my actions and choices. AS didn't stop her from falling in love with me.

I used to not be able to look at this picture without crying, falling to the floor and wishing she was still with me.
[img][800:731]http://i272.photobucket.com/albums/jj166/maric117/IMG_0198.jpg[/img]

Today I looked at the picture and smiled. It still brought a tear to my eye, but I realized I haven't seen her that happy in years.
I just want to see her smile like that for the rest of her life. I can not go on living in the past. I need to learn how to cherish it without yearning for it.

Its finally time for me to take off my wedding ring. Last valentines day I bought her a miniature indoor rose bush. It thrived up until she left and I forgot to water it.


Maybe I can save it. Maybe it will grow back and ill always see something beautiful when I look at my ring.

Yes I know I'm a hopeless romantic. I honestly am trying to move on. I will never compare another woman to her. I will not live in the past. but Ill be damned if I'm going to let it stand for nothing.

Last edited by Garrett84 on 13 Dec 2012, 2:56 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Your post made me cry so much. I'm so sorry. You sound like a wonderful man. Words fail me right now.

aspiesandra27 ,
Im finally starting to like the man I've become. I'm sick of living with regrets. I just wish that I could have been this man, the man I always needed to be sooner.
I guess sometimes we really do have to lose ourselves, and maybe even our faith to find out who we really are.

Thank you all for the kind words. The support from this forum is all I really have right now.

Don't know if you're ready to hear this yet, but you probably will be in a few months if you aren't.

I found a box of wedding photos in my closet not long after my wife left. It was not a good moment. I put them back in after a few minutes, and haven't pulled them out again since. Next time I do it will be to throw them out. That was six months ago. Divorce became final not that long ago.

When it's over, it's over. But that has to be a conscious decision you make, not just something you "accept." As recent as your breakup was, it's probably too soon for you to do that yet, but you can make the conscious decision to make that decision. You know it's time to move on, but if you wallow in what was, that will only make moving on harder. My advice is don't make it harder on yourself. If there's even a sliver of a chance that she'll come back there's nothing you can do to make that happen. Only she can do that, and if it's going to happen, it will. But if it never does, and you spend too much time hoping it will, it'll drain you and hold you back. Better to break up with her now. In your own heart. It'll feel almost like lying to yourself at first, but just do it anyway. Imagine yourself happy, even with someone else. That may even feel like mentally cheating on her, but do it anyway, because it's not. She's gone. Your alone.

And you're free. You just don't feel it yet.

Sorry for what you're going through. It sucks. And for a while it's really hard to hear from people saying, "Just say good riddance!" I know. I was just there. You'll be able to say the same things pretty soon too. (Maybe not the good riddance part, but the rest of it anyway.)

The hardest part is not knowing what to do with yourself when you've just spent many years with your whole life centered around someone else who is now suddenly gone. What on earth do I do now? The answer is simple. Look yourself in the mirror and tell yourself, that only you can answer that now. And, you no longer have to check with anyone else, because you can now do whatever you want to.

And hey! Now you can flirt with just about any woman you want to while your out, and feel no shame at all! So do it!

Thanks Skittledeedee.
I was lying to myself for a long time. Honestly this is how I move on from things. I realize that sometimes I thought of her as too much of a friend. I want to move on, have a family of my own, and live my dreams. However I cannot forget the person who helped me find myself. I want to think back and smile at a fond memory occasionally, while still making new ones. I want to hear from her from time to time just to know that although well both move on, well never forget.

I'm not holding my breath thinking that I'm just helping myself kill time until she comes back. If she does then it was meant to be. If she doesn't we were only meant to be friends. When I meet someone I will never compare them to her. You cant compare two different people. The bottom line is, I always want to be thankful for what I had, not regretful of what I lost. Pushing her out of my life entirely will make me feel like it was all for nothing.

That was a beautiful post, Garrett. It sounds like you have the right idea about things. I wish you feel better about it all soon.

I forgot to say, she looks stunning in that wedding photo. Really happy. A little shy, but just the right measure. She is very beautiful. Shame it didn't work, but you can have the friendship that will last forever. Me and my ex husband are now the best of friends. We speak almost every day on Skype and he is really patient with me since learning about AS. We will never go back to husband and wife, but that is no longer an issue.

Reading your story really makes me cry. I know that it is really hard for you to get over with things since you and your wife still love each other.

Max, I'm surprised you haven't chimed in yet. You always have something thoughtful to say.

Didn't know if I should... a couple people have attacked me for "whining about my past"...

In any case, I know EXACTLY how you feel... it's been almost 3 years exactly since my wife gave me the heave-ho... at least yours gave you the act of not wanting to end things... whether to protect herself from something or to go after something better... mine didn't even try to fix things - she just got frustrated with having to share me with my aspie interest of computers instead of having me dote on her every second of the day. She seriously resented any time I spent with my "mistress" (the computer) to the point where even when I sold my favorite thing in the world to buy her the piano she wanted, she still wouldn't forgive the time I didn't spend massaging her feet, etc. She would snarl and snap, hissing, "you coming to bed or not!?" and then seethe with resentment because I'd rather sleep on the couch than with a cranky cactus. In short - she made up her mind to stop loving me 2-4 years before actually tossing me aside like trash. During that time, I heard she was cheating on me... I can't prove it... but she sure stopped making love to me... it went from a piddly 2-3 weeks to once every 2-3 months if I managed to seduce her - and she seemed angry about it afterwards!

By the time I realized things were REALLY seriously bad, I tried everything to do what I could (on my own AND together) to fix things but she flat-out refused. She didn't want to fix things... she thought she deserved someone richer, sexier - better. Well, she might've been sleeping with a few guys before and after but NONE have stuck around very long! I hope someday she realizes what she threw away with less regard than a tissue - and damaging our two sons in the process by trying to cut me out of their lives as well. She wanted me to disappear from their lives forever (with the exception of my money.) My sons miss me like crazy, and I miss them.

Surprisingly, three years later I still have a fondness for her... I know better than to take her back (like THAT'll happen!) because she hasn't dealt with her deep trauma issues and inability to forgive ANYTHING. It would be another disaster waiting to happen. I'd at least like to be friendly enough to discuss childrearing and visitation, etc. but she won't relinquish the slightest control... I guess that's her survival method. She was a control freak in our marriage, she's gone totally overboard with it after.

Sorry... me me me me... I don't think this is helping YOU much.

I don't know... it almost sounds like there's SOME hope in your case. Did she ever really spell out, extremely clearly, why she felt she needed to end things? Is there no way of repairing the bridge before blowing it up? She sounds like she's still acting decently and non-hostile which is so much better than my break-up... like if you two could really resolve your issues, there might be some kind of chance? I don't like offering false hope... but you still have a faint glimmer where I did not. I hate, hate, HATE seeing marriages end - especially for no good reason!

It's taken 3 long years, a fantastic counselor for over a year, a good class on divorce, etc. to get to where I am now... relatively healthy and ready to consider a healthy relationship with someone new. It's foolish to jump into a new relationship right away and unfair to the person getting attached to you... you really need time to heal first or that new relationship will NOT be a healthy long-term one.

It may sound stupid, but I needed something to hug at night... you can get long "body pillows" that are nice to have beside you in bed at night. Some sort of cuddly pet would be incredibly therapeutic if you can have one!

Whatever happens, just hang in there... it's going to get worse before it gets better. Bumpy road ahead... but it gets better.