These aren't films that are necessarily the worst ever, but these are the ones I hate the most.
The first that comes to mind is "Lost in Translation," though I use the word "film" loosely, considering the "film" was really just a slide show of Bill Murray and Scarlet Johanson on vacation in Tokeyo. With practically no plot, minimal dialogue, very little humor, no visible conflict or drama, and very little details given on either of the two lead characters, the film has less substance than the typical Hollywood action movie, but none of the style or explosions. For a majority of the time, there's practically no script, but rather just close ups of Bill Murray looking bored and staring off into space, and Scarlet Johanson smiling and trying to look pretty. The fact that this movie won "Best Original Screenplay" is a travesty and probably only happened because of Francis Ford Coppola (the director of "The Godfather," "Apocalypse Now," and "Bram Stoker's Dracula," and the father of Sofia Coppola, who directed this piece of trash) and his influence in Hollywood. Either that, or all the middle-aged critics just wanted an excuse to snooze off and this film gave them the perfect lullaby, so they all gave it 5-star reviews. What BS.
No, seriously, that's what the movie entails. Boredom. That's the only emotion that is regularly given to the audience. Humor? Uh, I laughed like twice. Drama? If anyone sheds tears for this movie, it'll be because they paid to watch it and wasted two hours of their life on it. Action, thriller? Pfah. There's a 30-second bit where a guy chases them with a plastic-looking gun, if that counts, though it has no relevence to the story and is treated with a super shaky camera. Horror? Oh yes, the horror of boredom. Intrigue? Might be if the characters weren't 2D. No, "Lost in Translation" is a genre all its own, a genre that, instead of aspiring to entertain the audience, it aspires to bore the living s**t out of them until they fall asleep.
My dad said he loved the movie but I HEARD HIM SNORING THROUGH HALF OF IT. Then later he said, "You'd have to be old enough to understand," which I guess translates into being old enough to nod off during boring films, which in my mind isn't appreciating a film at all but is rather an insult to it. Then he said, "You'd have to be in that kind of situation to understand," but I feel like I'm in that situation (being in a foreign country where nobody speaks your language) every single day. Just because I could relate to the characters' situations didn't help, because these weren't CHARACTERS, they were BORED-LOOKING ACTORS!
Bill Murray's "character" is an actor who is bored in Tokyo, and lo and behold, he doesn't have to act at all! Everyone is all like, "OH, Bill Murray did such a great performance!" but he was just staring off into space looking bored the whole time. You can tell he's not a bad guy, because he's Bill Murray and Bill Murray is cool, but it's so incredible subtle that we never get to know him as a character. He just sleepwalks through. There's no character here. Ditto for Scarlet Johanson.
Know that I don't mind movies where nothing "happens," where it's just about people. I liked "Garden State" and "Before Sunset," and I LOOOVED "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and "Me and You and Everyone We Know" (two of my favorite movies), hell I even liked "Waking Life" whereas everyone else find it a boring hour and a half of "Philosophy 101." But these are movies where there are actual characters, where there is entertainment, where there is enough depth, comedy, and interesting dialogue to warrent multiple enjoyable viewings. (Well, except "Waking Life," which I found fascinating but wouldn't watch again.) "Translation" has none of that.
Other ones I hate: (I can understand why some would like these, though)
-"Master and Commander" (almost as boring and 90% plotless, but a few decent character bits elevate it above Sofia Coppola's aforementioned travesty)
-"Interview with a Vampire" (one of the only movies I've turned off--let's just say I get sick of seeing women getting bitten and bleeding and screaming over and over again, especially when it has little relevence to the plot. I may love vampires, but I don't like S&M!)
-"Finding Nemo" (great animation and some really clever jokes, but with a super repetitive plot. Plus, it was encased in more sap than the mosquitos in Jurassic Park!)
-"Eternal Blood" (despite the coolness of a vampire movie from Chile and a couple of great scenes in the first half, this movie steadily turns into even worse Bloody S&M Vampire Porn than "Interview with a Vampire," complete with that repetitive Grindhouse style of direction that I hate so much--you know, the kind that is adopted by PORN MOVIES! f**k this sicko movie.)
There are others but those are the ones that jump to mind.
24 Dec 2006, 12:51 pm
) and, as the ultimate blow to my sanity, they made Rock Biter sing "Born to Be Wild" while riding his scooter. NO. KIDDING. It was probably the first time I received deep hurting (to quote MST3K) from a movie, and I turned it off after a half-hour. I then went into a five-minute panic attack before I found a good movie to watch. That is how bad TNES III is. I recommend you do not go the same route I did.
