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League_Girl
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18 Dec 2012, 5:06 pm

Has anyone here ever been called arrogant for not speaking much to someone?

I talk to a friend online and he takes it very personally when I don't say much because I barely have anything to say and I never know what to talk about most of the time whenever he talks to me. He has called me arrogant several times and then logging off because I wasn't talking to him. I wasn't ignoring him. I just didn't have anything to say. This is the same person who is clingy and gets upset with me when I don't say much and always thinks I am ignoring him or thinks I don't care when I don't carry on the conversation when he shares something with me. I just say "oh" and he takes that personally sometimes. I do think it's him with the problem but I also wonder if it's me too and it makes things clash between us because of our problems. He isn't a typical NT because he has problems too with his brain like learning problems and how he process things due to brain damage at birth so he would be a ND instead of NT. We have had good conversations in the past only because I was curious about some stuff about him and his life and I would ask questions about it and that was it and then I ran out of what to say and had nothing else I wanted to know about him. If it's my interest, then I am able to talk well. But when it's someone else's and not mine, I don't say much and I find it difficult to know what to say. So someone may think I don't care. It's not that. Then I get accused of being arrogant? Makes me wonder if anyone else ever thinks that of me and they are too polite to tell me or don't want any conflicts so they don't tell me. He does log off right after calling me that before I even get the chance to say anything but I know I can still respond and when he logs back on, he will see my offline message but I am just speechless so I don't say anything about it. I have already explained to him many times already I just don't know what to say or talk about. But that doesn't seem to be enough for him to understand. Sometimes I get frustrated with him misunderstanding me I want to tell him I have AS to explain my lack of communication but I am not sure if it's just me with the problem. I don't want to embarrass myself by blaming it on it when it may have nothing to do with it. Even if I do, I won't be the first and last aspie who did.


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Ann2011
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18 Dec 2012, 5:19 pm

Do you feel close enough to your friend to tell him that you have autism? If so, I would tell him. But at the same time, sometimes I find I have to push myself to respond to things (I even bluntly change the subject sometimes) just to keep the conversation going. It's work, but it usually pays off. If I don't feel like talking anymore I just say so.
But you should do what you feel comfortable with. If you don't say anything, so be it. He knows what you're like.


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AJ89
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18 Dec 2012, 5:32 pm

I have had a lot of people call me arrogant for not being very talkative as well.

I have a very rude co-worker. She assumes I'm stuck up because I'm quiet and so she doesn't talk to me at all. She will go up to my other co-workers and be chatty with them and to complete strangers but she has no problem with not saying a single word to me all day. She basically figures that since I'm quiet that I hate talking and so goes out of her way to ignore me. Thing is, I have no problem with talking to her but I usually don't initiate the conversation because I don't know her and can't really think of anything to start talking about but if she does start a conversation I will talk to her. She hasn't really made any attempt to get to know me. Oh well, I don't really like her anyway.

That's just one personal experience of mine. I've also had people get mad at me for not talking to them. They didn't try to initiate any conversations with me but expected me to initiate a conversation with them and thus they got mad at me for not doing that.

I also have had other friends who are quiet introverts and they have been called arrogant for being quiet too.



lynn7465
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18 Dec 2012, 5:40 pm

I ws called arrogant because I was very shy, its a common mistake
re conversation, talk about the weather, in these OC times no one can be offended



Staralfur
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18 Dec 2012, 5:46 pm

I don't understand people calling someone arrogant for being quiet, can someone explain?



League_Girl
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18 Dec 2012, 6:00 pm

Staralfur wrote:
I don't understand people calling someone arrogant for being quiet, can someone explain?



I assume it has to do with you think you are too good for someone or too better to even talk to them. So they assume you think that when you are quiet and don't say much at all.


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League_Girl
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18 Dec 2012, 6:04 pm

AJ89 wrote:
I have had a lot of people call me arrogant for not being very talkative as well.

I have a very rude co-worker. She assumes I'm stuck up because I'm quiet and so she doesn't talk to me at all. She will go up to my other co-workers and be chatty with them and to complete strangers but she has no problem with not saying a single word to me all day. She basically figures that since I'm quiet that I hate talking and so goes out of her way to ignore me. Thing is, I have no problem with talking to her but I usually don't initiate the conversation because I don't know her and can't really think of anything to start talking about but if she does start a conversation I will talk to her. She hasn't really made any attempt to get to know me. Oh well, I don't really like her anyway.

That's just one personal experience of mine. I've also had people get mad at me for not talking to them. They didn't try to initiate any conversations with me but expected me to initiate a conversation with them and thus they got mad at me for not doing that.

I also have had other friends who are quiet introverts and they have been called arrogant for being quiet too.



About three people have pointed out to me online they can tell I have autism because I don't talk much or carry on the conversation. But others have done it with me too when we talk and they don't have autism so what's the difference? :? Plus it looks like to me they don't carry it on either because they barely say anything else to me.


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streetlegal
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19 Dec 2012, 4:06 am

I don't have AS, but get that sometimes. I just get a bit shy when in new environments. Starting a new job is an example, and later I'm told co-workers originally thought I was arrogant. Think it has to do with people being a little insecure and not used to silence. I'm wrong often, but just my thoughts. It's tiring to talk when there really isn't much to say. I'm thinking if they get mad for not talking, it may be best to explain if you want to. My bf is AS, and felt a little insecurity by the sometimes short responses or silence. Not sure if telling him you have AS would be blaming it on something, but maybe an explanation even if that's totally not the problem. Having dealt with my mood issues, I sometimes do tell friends about my Bipolar. Never as an excuse, but it seems to help them realize that it is not a personal thing when I am distant or, like you, don't have much to say.



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19 Dec 2012, 6:36 pm

Oh yeah, I get that pretty often.

I'm mostly NT with some AS traits -- and this is one of them. I tend to stop talking whenever I'm ready to do so.. even in the middle of a conversation.

Many people have this idea that I'm a total B!tch because of this.

When I'm ready to end a conversation or stop talking to someone, I do.
When I'm ready to leave a party, I get up, wave and walk out the door. With no prior warning given to anyone.

So, naturally, my reputation is the "b!tch" and "snob" around here.. doesn't bother me though. :P



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20 Dec 2012, 2:36 am

Yes, I'm NT but very quiet and introverted...I know what to say...but I rather not talk and rather be quiet. I like people but only rarely, I need more time for myself though. People get angry and tell me I NEED to talk more and you could tell they are offended because they talk alot and I just nod or smile back. I get insulted back though because they think I'm trying to be rude when I respect them a lot.



Wilma
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28 Apr 2013, 8:43 am

I have been called arrogant and snob many times for not talking too much especially in large groups . People tend to think that I believe I'm better than them because I don't participate in chatting . The true is Im always getting confused when many people in the same group talk all together . It's like I don't know what to say to whom and when ... So I keep quiet . Im always trying to find a way to get in a conversation but my thinking it seems it's faster than my talking so I end up appearing quite stuck up or bored . I just need space to find the exact words to respond . I'm getting quite confused when people interrupt my speech and that sounds snobbish to most people



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28 Apr 2013, 9:14 am

League_Girl wrote:
they think you think you are too good for someone to even talk to them.

Most of my life I have been called "aloof" by neighbors and co-workers, merely because I am a quiet person. But since their conversation mostly is focussed on tv programs or cooking I'm also simply not interested. Maybe I AM aloof. :)



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28 Apr 2013, 9:33 am

Do you have his e-mail address or any other way to send him a private message? If so, it would help to explain the situation to him. That way he will be a bit more understanding of you.

If he does not seem to understand, I would tell him that you are done and not to try and contact you anymore if he is going to keep manipulating you and throwing tantrums when he does not get his way.

If this is a chatroom, you know that you can put him on ignore as it will help.



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28 Apr 2013, 10:20 am

"Better to remain silent and be thought of as a fool, than to speak up and remove all doubt." -- First published by Maurice Switzer, in “Mrs. Goose, Her Book” (1907).

But then...

"Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silent, and discerning if he holds his tongue." -- Attributed to King Solomon "The Wise", in Proverbs 17:28 (NIV).

:scratch:



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28 Apr 2013, 11:30 am

Ann2011 wrote:
Do you feel close enough to your friend to tell him that you have autism? If so, I would tell him.

Hah! That mightn't make any difference at all. I have big difficulties coming up with anything to say at all, and my ex who was also aspie had no understanding for that whatsoever, despite me having told him so since we were mere acquaintances. He refused to take it seriously at first and when he saw it for himself he started accusing me accused me of ignoring him and being able to if I wanted to, which is BS. I've never been able to, no matter how much I have wanted to.
How could an NT understand when an aspie without that trait doesn't?

I've never been called arrogant or snob. What I've heard is
"You're ignoring me!"
"You could if you wanted to"
"You could if you cared about me"
"You don't really like me, do you?"

Others have just lost interest after seeing how hopeless I am and left.


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Mitrovah
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28 Apr 2013, 10:50 pm

lynn7465 wrote:
I ws called arrogant because I was very shy, its a common mistake
re conversation, talk about the weather, in these OC times no one can be offended


Better to say nothing and be thought of a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.
Si taces es philosopia mens es: Translation if you keep your mouth shut everyone will think your clever..
I have been at parties keeping silent but smiling and I always was asked the same question by some drunk woman: "are you okay?" of course my unsociable self replied each time: "Im sober"