Friends and acquaintances

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I am 46 and I still have trouble with this. If someone is kind to me and talks to me, I think "friend". I think I have met them and they are reasonably nice but are talking more to someone I am with - and I can recognize them again, then they are an acquaintance - someone I "know". And a note for anyone I have made friends with or am getting to know here - this is NOT you I am talking about, I am happy to meet people who understand and I want to meet friends here, so don't personalize this - I am talking about the NT world only ... so, further, if someone is nice to me and takes the time to talk to me, then I feel obligated to be their friend - and it can get very uncomfortable if they become overbearing or turn out to have a nasty streak to other people which I do not like. Then I am not sure how to "unfriend" them which results in me avoiding and isolating the situation. I feel guilty because I don't know if I should take the "nobody is perfect" stance and which behaviors I should not be so uptight about and which I should draw a boundary at because I have been at the receiving end of behavior I should not have put up with. As I get older, it has been easier to avoid people in the first place, but I am trying to maintain an NT friend right now.

Also, do you think of your doctor as a friend? Or therapist or what have you? I know it is not a "go for coffee" type friendship, but I do feel like my doctor is a friend - a very good person. I know my doctor is very concerned for my welfare and I think that is something that a friend does.

Thank you for replying, Bubbles. I am a "late-blooming" university student and I have been there just long enough now to make myself uncomfortable - that loss of social anonymity and thus more complex and "risky" interactions. I have seen at least one person, recently, I thought I had "friended" look at me and then quickly spin around and get very interested in a nearby rack of t-shirts. I took that as a cue I should not initiate a hello. I felt really bad though - more so because I allowed myself to feel like I did not want to embarrass her with my presence, as though I am some kind of "contaminant." Then I wonder where it went wrong.

Sometimes I feel like such a little kid. I would rather "be nice." I am so grateful when people are nice to me, and that might sound simplistic, but it is me - and likely some of my small town roots showing through. My ancestors were Quakers and called everyone "friends" - maybe I should make it my religion I do use that language - if I meet someone on the bus, for example - and especially if I learn a name - then this is my -bus-friend-so-and-so. Then I am bad, too, as I am easily overwhelmed by people who reciprocate too much and I withdraw which is contradictory, but I have such a hard time with balance - I am not feeling unfriendly, just overwhelmed. And, as I said, if they do tell me they are my friend and behave in ways that make me uncomfortable - I just have such a hard line with whether it is "me" and I should relax, or if it really is the other party.

I told my doctor I had to wrestle with this, and I wished he was my friend, but that I thought "ally" was a professional way to describe him. But, I still feel, inside, like he is my friend. He is nice to me and he helps me - simplistically stated. I know him better now and if I saw him downtown I would talk to him and might offer a coffee - but I would not call him up for coffee or hang out with him unless he wasn't my doctor and I somehow got to know him. Yet, I don't think of him as less than a friend. I think because he is one of a very few people I know I can fully trust - he has been so consistent (and I think consistent is key here) with what I can expect from him that I can only say - what a nice friend I have. But is "consistent" key to real-world friendships as it seems they have "ups and downs", as it is said - and so what those "ups and downs" are supposed to look like and when are they more or less than that - who knows? I sure don't. Unless someone is loud and clear direct, I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.

Sigh. Thanks for sharing your account. See, people should appreciate us Still confusing. Maybe when I turn 50 ...

A friend genuinely cares about you and would actually want to spend more time around you.

An acquaintence is someone you know through a friend, or is someone you use or get used by. An acquaintenceship could very well have the potential for someone to be used just to boost the other's ego.

Thank you aspiemike

Maybe acquaintances are easier to "shave off" then, but I guess I am still lost in the borders - but you can care about people and not really be "friends"? Are there levels of friendship, then? Is it okay to say "my friend" and would people know what "sort of friend" they are to you? Do you think of people as "sorts of friends"? I would do just about anything if someone asked or needed - maybe I am a sap. I just feel "friend". It's this internal diatribe I wrestle with - and the ensuing feelings that I just can't sort out. I just want to get along with everyone - maybe there is more going on in me than friendship confusion - maybe it is an acceptance thing. I think people I haven't seen for 20 years are friends - when they are categorized as friends, they are friends - I don't have a lot of requirements - just "nice". I don't have to have the "spend time" requirement - just this person was nice to me and I feel that this person is a friend. Maybe I have a categorization problem. Good grief. I am getting myself tangled up. Maybe I can just "think" people are friends, and it doesn't matter if they don't know it - but then that doesn't work ... I get myself in pickles.