The 'Hookup Culture' of my generation...

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I am a caring and extremely sensitive person - yes

And it's these very aspects of my nature that he plays on

My best relationships are two friendships with males who don't expect sex from me

One an ex partner who I live with now as a friend and the other an ex work colleague who I've never had a relationship
with

Both of these people make me feel they value me as a person and care about me and neither wants sex.
it seems to me that more often than not, sex is a complete red herring as an indicator of love or care or even liking!

I just wanted to say - don't worry! Your reactions to falling in love with the person you're in bed with is 100% totally natural and normal. For most people (especially those of us who don't have a ton of sex) mating is a very bonding thing and it ties you to that person more each time. Some people, for all kinds of reasons, no longer do - but I'd venture to call them the minority... but growing with this generation that doesn't know how to be intimate anymore.

Sorry to hear your friend really didn't feel the same and reacted so incredibly badly to your intimacy.

I dedicate this song for all of us who fell in love with someone who was still holding out for "better".
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xbFU6w7q3dQ[/youtube]

Thanks

I have been able to sleep with people and not form any strong bond but this person seems to have cast some kind of spell on me that I can't shake off. We are a match in some respects but in others he's exceedingly wrong for me as I am very sensitive and he is brutally honest and often it seems to me as if he enjoys saying the very thing that will hurt me

He's been saying things like this in emails today:-

"ive told you, you are an attractive lady
i just dont use the word fancy as that use of the word is for crushes etc
& i do care about you"


"i am a wonderful person if you really knew me

& im sorry that you were upset at the misunderstanding
but there was no need for you to get extremely nasty about it so you can talk"

"i told you that i dont use that word fancy its childish like school boy crushes
i also told you that in your use of the word its a yes

youve have said a lot worse than what youve taken from that"


This is what he does - he reels me back in with stuff like this

I can't deal with all the ambiguity - why go to all this trouble??

Sex is an emotionally vulnerable experience for sensitive and caring types. It may inevitably connect us to the person we share it with - but especially those with who we have common interests. So we have to be selective of those with whom we choose to share it.

For the types who enjoy the FWB thing, they are able to compartmentalize sex as more of a stimulation/pleasure, a "rush" and leisure activity -- but there's an entire population that isn't built for it. I am not ashamed to count myself among those people. It has nothing to do with my emotional maturity, or my level of sexual experience.

Respect who you are, and hold to a standard you set for yourself. If any relationship, friendship, or social investment gets to become more than you can handle emotionally, if it costs you more than it's worth, then cut out of there. Try to name your price before going into it, for your own sake.

I severed a relationship of 10 years in June of 2011 because of what it was doing to me psychologically. Dragging it out (as I did for years) out of fear of being alone, insecurity, fear of losing my emotional investment, of nobody ever loving me again -- it was mostly out of fear.

Every time you stand up for yourself, you're reborn a wiser person. Other people (the right sort) also tend to find that attractive. People who set these kinds of standards for themselves, who monitor their emotional periphery, will get more out of life.

Cutting ties is not nearly as bad as one envisions. If you're unhappy it only stings for a bit. But then you surface a freer person.

Only take this advice if you think it applies. Only you can make these sorts of decisions. It's only my own experiences I'm drawing from -

You're so right when you say this:-

"For the types who enjoy the FWB thing, it's more of a stimulation/pleasure, a "rush" and leisure activity"

He even asks me to choke him and this has been downright dangerous imo as obviously with feeling manipulated and used
I've felt real anger towards him and when I've done the choking it's felt good and almost as if I could follow through and wring his f-king neck! This scared the hell out of me as obviously I don't want someone's death on my hands!

Last time I didn't feel angry towards him so had to think about the people who've f-ked me over at work instead
- there's never a shortage of people to think of!

It's all about the buzz for him, definitely

I just feel it all makes life more exciting than it would be without knowing him, which I know is a very poor reason for maintaining contact

I can't stick to a decision or have enough willpower where all this kind of thing is concerned

It's like my relationship with chocolate - if it's in the house I'll eat it!

I feel I'm being expected to cope with situations I'm not emotionally capable or mature enough to cope with!

If you watch the 2nd episode of The Undateables TV programme, it's fairly evident to me that the people with a learning disability are better at having mature interactions with each other than I am!

And it makes me feel terrible

I often feel the Aspergers makes me more not less vulnerable than people with a learning disability

It really doesn't help you two have totally different definitions of the word "fancy". The use of that word seems almost critical in this scenario.

I know

It's basically ALWAYS a battle of wills between us for ultimate control of the relationship
- we are both controllers

I want the position and so does he!

I said 'We always end up going by your rules don't we?'
and he said 'Yes, because I am the man and I wear the trousers'

I refuse to accept the 'female as subservient' gender role he tries to assign me basically

The power dynamics have been all over the place, back and forth

You *really* need to get away from this douchebag.

I know

Ya you probably are are just a stepping stone to him. If your not ok with this position then it needs to end.

Also I just want to clarify, I was not hinting a guys only wanting pretty girls. Despite how males might clamor over them it may seem thats all that they care about, but it's not. I have steered myself away from pretty girls just because there are things about them I don't like, or don't respect.

And women do find men and show disingenuine interest in them for some other gain... Usually it's not for sex though, it's for something else.

I really don't think he's likely to find anyone else in a hurry and if he did it would be to my benefit!

He calls his ex gf's 'The b*****s from Hell' - which I think says it all!

He said he had a fight with one of them when she tried to smash his James Bond watch and I know exactly how she felt
when she tried to do it!

Possessions are more important to him than peoples' feelings in my opinion

I think you're right as to women wanting things off men - they mainly want positive attention; someone to listen to their problems and show they care

He's not my intellectual equal by any means but I tolerate his boring talk about grooming products, shaving and screws as it's
someone to talk to

Some women want money and material things off men but I'm not like that - he's been having money off me!

So far I haven't heard ONE redeeming quality about this guy... why'd you even settle for him?

He must've had some sort of initial charm or something that quickly faded away once his "real self" came through.

I find him sexually attractive unfortunately

I've never felt a chemistry like it before - it proves that sexual chemistry has nothing to do with personality

He also has a similar mindset to me towards society - ie people are generally s**t

I can't explain it logically, it's just as if the person is like a missing half, even if they aren't very nice

Perhaps having low self esteem it's jsut that I can't relate to people who would treat me well??

I'm dysfunctional and only fit with another dysfunctional person

I certainly don't relate to the average person on a dating site - I'm far too negative and cynical

In many ways I'm not a nice person either so perhaps like is attracting like

Although I like to think I am a basically decent person

When angered I'm pretty nasty though

You don't say? *playful nudge*

Lol

Yes I'm quite happy to acknowledge that aspect of myself

The rhyme about the little girl who 'When she was Good she was Very, Very Good but
when she was Bad she was Horrid" was made for me!

Remind me not to piss you off again.

Yeah... I can understand the appeal of a sexy-but-awful person. I've known a few of those... they never end well.