What can you do if a man rejects you because you have autism

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SusanOne
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26 Jan 2013, 5:34 pm

last summer I met a man that I really liked. I felt so drawn to him. he had been living with a person and they split up. Just after we met, they got back together. Now he has split up again.
(she is way too young for him). He did not know that I was on the spectrum. Today he told me that the reason that he did not date was because he thought I could not stop being a professor, that I talked at him, that there was more to life than the subject I research and write about. I decided to tell him that I was high functioning on the autistic spectrum. He said to me how can I ever go out with someone who can't socialize with other people? I felt terribly hurt and so inadequate. He thought I could change. I told him that I could not change myself too much, because I was born with autism. He kept insisting that I could change. I told him to read up on female with Aspergers and, maybe then he would better understand me. I know we will remain friends --he is committed his friendship with me. I am sad--I really liked him in a way that might involve dating and an LTR. We will remain friends, I am almost certain. I feel I must take and give back what I can, even if that entails boundaries. I am feeling terrbly lonely tonight. This has happened before. But this time, I can remain friends, if need be. I am also feeling very depressed. he told me that if I hadn't talked at him non-stop about my subject, he would have been interested in me. I am weeping.



ShamelessGit
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26 Jan 2013, 5:50 pm

This has happened to me before and it feels bad.

Maybe he is not the right guy for you if he expects you to change. I do not believe it is right or healthy to expect your partner to make significant changes to him/herself. If you don't like the person the way he/she is then you should not date that person. Also if there are particular behaviors that he doesn't like then it would be nice of him to say so early on in the relationship.

When you said that you were a professor, does that mean that's what people say about you, or you literally are a professor? What is your subject?

Also it is probably generally true that always talking about the same subject is not a good way of making friends.



Anomiel
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26 Jan 2013, 5:52 pm

You shouldn't show this to him, as he sounds hopeless, but it could be good for you to watch
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QwjNcYemGV0[/youtube]

Hope you feel better. Remember that there are more accepting people out there (that understand what Asperger's is in the first place!)



ShelbyGt500
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26 Jan 2013, 6:09 pm

Find an autistic guy to date.



Inferno87
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26 Jan 2013, 6:27 pm

Interesting video you linked there.

Generally with rejection, there's nothing you can do, except move on.



SusanOne
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26 Jan 2013, 7:31 pm

Hello everyone. I am new to this site and can't respond to people individually until I post 5 posts. This is post number 2. I am going out and will post in the next days. In answer to your question: I am an adjunct professor and am currently wiritng a monograph on a subject related to architecture. The video was great! Thanks to all of you for advice and your kind support. Be back soon.



ShelbyGt500
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26 Jan 2013, 8:02 pm

SusanOne wrote:
Hello everyone. I am new to this site and can't respond to people individually until I post 5 posts. This is post number 2. I am going out and will post in the next days. In answer to your question: I am an adjunct professor and am currently wiritng a monograph on a subject related to architecture. The video was great! Thanks to all of you for advice and your kind support. Be back soon.



Cool! I am an autistic software engineer who originally studied Mechanical Engineering, but ended up with a BS and MS in Computer Science. I'm currently designing a home that faces inward to an open atrium. Among the features, will be a marine aquarium that is lighted by natural sunlight. I'm using Fibonacci's number 1.618 in aesthetic and practical ways. My current home has 30 solar panels - the new one will have at least 48. If you want to chat about buildings and architecture, let me know.



Phenom
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26 Jan 2013, 10:26 pm

This "Boy" is incredibly shallow. In all honesty, I think he is using this as an excuse as much as it pains me to say. Look at is this way, If he is that shallow to begin with, a relationship with him will probably only bring you more pain in the future.



curlyfry
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26 Jan 2013, 10:46 pm

It's not about finding someone who is accepting but who is compatible. That guy wasn't compatible and the relationship would have helped no one. He wanted you to change and you possibly would have out grown him because he wouldn't have the intellect to keep up. I was in a ten year marriage that eroded because we were going in opposite directions. I am so much happier now with someone who loves that I like to learn new things.



diniesaur
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27 Jan 2013, 3:28 am

Phenom wrote:
This "Boy" is incredibly shallow. In all honesty, I think he is using this as an excuse as much as it pains me to say. Look at is this way, If he is that shallow to begin with, a relationship with him will probably only bring you more pain in the future.


Exactly! It may be hard to realize now, but he's a jerk and he will never be compatible with you, even if you see beautiful things in him. Sometimes even if people love each other they're not compatible for dating...but this guy doesn't seem to know what love is.



IlovemyAspie
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27 Jan 2013, 4:00 am

ShamelessGit wrote:
This has happened to me before and it feels bad.

Maybe he is not the right guy for you if he expects you to change. I do not believe it is right or healthy to expect your partner to make significant changes to him/herself. If you don't like the person the way he/she is then you should not date that person. Also if there are particular behaviors that he doesn't like then it would be nice of him to say so early on in the relationship.

When you said that you were a professor, does that mean that's what people say about you, or you literally are a professor? What is your subject?

Also it is probably generally true that always talking about the same subject is not a good way of making friends.


I agree with this. It's a deal breaker for him. Which may hurt but it's okay. You'll be better off with someone with whom this isn't an issue. My Aspie talks a lot about certain things and he'll stop himself. I tell him to keep going because it makes him happy. I know a lot about cars now!! Lol



AspieOtaku
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27 Jan 2013, 4:21 am

It happens with me when it comes to NT women! :(


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27 Jan 2013, 4:30 am

A lot of people I notice are labelling people "shallow" because they break up with someone who is autistic. Frankly, I commend them, if my ex (or myself) had done it earlier we could have saved ourselves a lot of time and pain.

Incompatibility is no ones fault.


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Tequila
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27 Jan 2013, 5:13 am

SusanOne wrote:
Hello everyone. I am new to this site and can't respond to people individually until I post 5 posts. This is post number 2. I am going out and will post in the next days. In answer to your question: I am an adjunct professor and am currently wiritng a monograph on a subject related to architecture. The video was great! Thanks to all of you for advice and your kind support. Be back soon.


Can't you simply use the 'quote' tag?



arrmada
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27 Jan 2013, 8:44 am

SusanOne wrote:
he told me that if I hadn't talked at him non-stop about my subject, he would have been interested in me. I am weeping.


Just this line tells me that guy is no good for you. What does it mean "if you hadn't done this and that, I'd be interested"? Do you have to dance to somebodys tune all the time so that they would like you? Never give up on who you are for some guy, who is unable to accept you with all your good and bad sides.
Relationships need compromising, yet if you have to compromise or even change who you are to be with someone, thats a wrong way to go.
In my view, its not the fact itself he finds being with an Aspie difficult, makes him superficial, but the fact he says you can change without any effort to understand you, and the fact he kind of "blames" you for his disinterest.
Sounds like you are doomed to act in certain ways to please the "master" if you want to be with him, and its not good. AS or NT doesn't really matter in here-pretty sure he would say to any woman, finding some lame reason to pick upon, e.g. I would have been interested in you, but you are wearing too little make-up(this is a true story, btw:)) The funniest part is that another guy would tell me I wear too much make-up, and in both relationships the amount of the make-up I would wear was actually the same!! !! Quite a primitive example, yet it shows that re-making yourself according to someones wishes is not a god idea. And in your situation its not even some make-up thing, but your personality traits, which aren't something that you choose to have.



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27 Jan 2013, 8:47 am

SusanOne wrote:
last summer I met a man that I really liked. I felt so drawn to him. he had been living with a person and they split up. Just after we met, they got back together. Now he has split up again.
(she is way too young for him). He did not know that I was on the spectrum. Today he told me that the reason that he did not date was because he thought I could not stop being a professor, that I talked at him, that there was more to life than the subject I research and write about. I decided to tell him that I was high functioning on the autistic spectrum. He said to me how can I ever go out with someone who can't socialize with other people? I felt terribly hurt and so inadequate. He thought I could change. I told him that I could not change myself too much, because I was born with autism. He kept insisting that I could change. I told him to read up on female with Aspergers and, maybe then he would better understand me. I know we will remain friends --he is committed his friendship with me. I am sad--I really liked him in a way that might involve dating and an LTR. We will remain friends, I am almost certain. I feel I must take and give back what I can, even if that entails boundaries. I am feeling terrbly lonely tonight. This has happened before. But this time, I can remain friends, if need be. I am also feeling very depressed. he told me that if I hadn't talked at him non-stop about my subject, he would have been interested in me. I am weeping.


You should move on. There are plenty of guys who won't be bothered by your Asperger's.