The Jonny Awards 2006 (Spoof of Oscars, Golden Globes, etc.)

Post Reply New Topic

Yes, my friends, it's that time of year again--the time of awful End of the Year award shows, the titles of which don't make sense because they're always at the beginning of the year AFTER the year they're providing awards for. Don't you just wish there was an award show that cut the crap, realized that award shows are egotistical and pretentious and overall really stupid because everyone's entitled to their own opinion?

Well, the closest thing you've got is the Jonnies. Yes, my own award show, in written form. While these are my actual opinions, take none of it seriously. The awards are designed to show how illogical, elitist, and silly these things are. Maybe some year I'll do it as a video. This year, though, that shall not be. There are several sections, each one with a post to itself. Some of the awards have changed since last year.

Preamble (What you're reading now, and a recap of last year's 10 best, and what they should have been)

-Part one: The Lumpy-Brown Globes (sh***y non-awards. It is disgraceful to get one)
-Part two: Non-films (the awards for things other than films)
-Part three: Films, Special Achievements (awards for a film's special achievement)
-Part four: Films, Genre Awards (showcases the best films of each genre)
-Part Five: the 10 Best Films of the Year (self-explanitory)

According to The Jonny Awards 2005, these were last year's 10 best films:

10) Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire.
9) A Very Long Engagement.
8 ) Wallace and Grommit: Curse of the Wererabbit.
7) Constantine.
6) Crash.
5) King Kong.
4) Unleashed.
3) Mirrormask.
2) Kung Fu Hustle.
1) War of the Worlds.

How that list should have been:

10) The Aviator
9) Constantine
8 ) Mirrormask
7) NightWatch
6) Crash
5) War of the Worlds
4) Kung Fu Hustle
3) Unleashed
2) Strings
1) Me and You and Everyone We Know

Honorable mention: A Very Long Engagement.


Oh, by the way, I haven't seen every film of the year--not even close!--so I'm just basing this on what I HAVE seen. Like any crappy critic! After all, you don't expect me to go sit through Little Man or other such films I have no interest in, do you?

Part one: The Lumpy-Brown Globes

Most Disappointing Film Nominees:
-Pan's Labyrinth
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
-The Science of Sleep
-Underworld: Evolution

Winner: Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest. I was softer on this the first time I saw it; I was happy because of who I'd seen it with. But once that settled down, I realized I...didn't like the movie that much. I KIND of like this movie, but I kind of hated it. AICN was giving this film a daily blow job and while I don't think that the film is without merits, it was pretty disappointing anyway. With awful pacing, seriously stretched and usually lame-ass action sequences, and the worst sense of overblown bloat I've seen in a long time, Dead Man's Chest is one hell of a disappointment.

Most Overrated Film Nominees:
-Happy Feet (disqualified because I didn't see it, but I know I'll dislike it for the POP SONG SINGING, EWWWW!)
-Marie Antoinette (disqualified because I didn't see it, but a single good review for a Sofia Coppola movie makes it automatically overrated!)
-Pan's Labyrinth
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
-United 93

Winner: United 93. This movie was OKAY, but nothing special. I didn't see what the big deal with it was. The last half hour was directed in an intense, well-done fashion, and it handled the touchy subject matter with maturity, but honestly, it just wasn't that good of a movie. I don't care if that makes me sound insensitive. I just wasn't really as touched by the film as everyone else was. I found the first two thirds boring as hell, honestly. Every single person in the audience already knows that the plane has been hijacked, so why spend a whole f*****g hour on people figuring it out? The camerawork was shaky as hell, and we never got to know the people on the plane. Had we learned anything about these real characters, then the cockpit-storming scene at the very end would have been THAT much more powerful. And hell, the whole movie was fictional, hypothesized bullshit--it's not like they didn't know those planes were being hijacked. The fact that it spent practically no time on the real people who had been on the plane, the fact that these characters that should have been the protagonists of the film really just came across as bit parts, shows that this film has practically no truth to it. Too soon? No, just too many good reviews. Pirates almost won this one, but the reviews were mixed enough despite common public adoration, and I still liked it overall even though I had a lot of problems with it.

Worst Title Nominees:
-Eragon (It's dragon, except with E instead of D, and E comes after D in the alphabet! Get it??)
-Jet Li's Fearless (Generic as hell!)
-Ratatouille (Technically a 2007, but s**t, I'm not even sure I spelled that right! This is a KID'S movie? And adults can't even spell its title...s**t, man!)
-Running Scared (has very little to do with the actual movie!)

Winner: Eragon. A dumb-sounding title for a dumb-sounding film.

Worst Idea Nominations:
-Green Lighting a Drew and Hugh romantic comedy (http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/musicandlyrics/)
-Making a sequel to the Ice Cube shitfest "Are We There Yet?" (http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/arewedoneyet/)
-Publishing and making a movie out of an amateurish Star Wars rip off (http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/eragon/)
-Making a werewolf movie called "Blood and Chocolate" and giving it a PG-13 rating (http://www.apple.com/trailers/mgm/bloodandchocolate/)...I like the song used at the end of the trailer (yay for Within Temptation!) but it feels like it's completely in the wrong context here!
-Letting a blatantly racist man continue to make preachy, historically inaccurate films (http://www.apple.com/trailers/touchstone/apocalypto/)
-Putting fart jokes in a Charlotte's Web adaptation (http://www.apple.com/trailers/paramount/charlottesweb/)
-I Am Legend with Will Smith. (http://www.aintitcool.com/node/31103) And changing the story so that only Manhattan is infected, rather than the whole world. Sheesh! Smells like "I, Robot" all over again--could be fun, but damned if it's not wasted potential.
-Making a sequel to “Garfield.”
-The endless stream of sh***y romantic comedies.
-The endless stream of sh***y and unfunny CGI kid comedies with anthropomorphic talking animals.
-The endless stream of sh***y horror sequels.
-The endless stream of sh***y horror Americanized remakes.
-The endless stream of sh***y horror Americanized sequels to Americanized remakes.
-The endless stream of sh***y horror remakes of sh***y horror remakes.

Winner: all of 'em. f**k Hollywood!

Worst Soundtrack Nominees:
-Happy Feet
- Mozart & the Whale
-Underworld: Evolution

Winner: Underworld: Evolution. I might not have taken this one so hard if the soundtrack hadn't betrayed the awesome soundtrack of the original. This one was generic and completely different, with none of the creepy atmospheric NIN-like feel that the original's soundtrack had. Mozart & the Whale had a pretty awful soundtrack though.

Worst Trailer Nominees:
-Hairspray: http://video.broadwayworld.com/newsvideo/hairtease.html
-Happily N'ever After: http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/happilyneverafter/
-Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny: http://www.apple.com/trailers/newline/tenaciousdinthepickofdestiny/ (I like the D, and I hear their movie is schweet. But this trailer is ass.)
-The Simpsons Movie: http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/thesimpsonsmovie/
-Those for the countless sh***y horror sequels and remakes. (http://www.apple.com/trailers/lions_gate/hostelpartii/, http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox_atomic/turistas/, http://www.apple.com/trailers/touchstone/primeval/, http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/thegrudge2/, http://www.apple.com/trailers/rogue_pictures/thehitcher/, http://www.apple.com/trailers/weinstein/blackchristmas/ ...and those are just the recent ones! There were loads more earlier in the year!)

Winner: It's a tie between Hairspray (c'mon, that wasn't a trailer!) and the sh***y horror sequels/remakes. I am SO sick of seeing trailers for horror movies! Every time I go to the movies I have to be bombarded with trailers for more torture porn. Freakin' a!

Worst Sequel or Remake Nominees:
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
-Underworld: Evolution
-The countless sh***y horror movie remakes and sequels (disqualified because I haven't actually SEEN them)

Winner: Underworld: Evolution. The sequel to "Underworld," one of my favorite films of all time, captures none of what made the first one so entrancing. Rather than be a blatantly gothic political vampire thriller with gore used sparingly and only when the fascinating (and vastly underrated) plot required it, this sequel is a dark and uber-bloody Hollywood action movie with a completely different mood, tone, pace, and overall style. While the acting is better this time around, and while it's not a totally awful film, this is NOT Underworld 2. It's Van Helsing 2, only without Van Helsing's cheezoid humor. (I'd have chosen the countless sh***y horror movie remakes and sequels, but I haven't seen any of them. HAH!)

Most Reused Jokes that Weren't Even That Good in the First Place Nominees:
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest

Winner: Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest. Thanks to Dee for giving me the idea for this one.

Worst Gratuitous Gory Violence Nominees:
-Pan's Labyrinth
-Running Scared
-Silent Hill
-Underworld: Evolution

Winner: I heard "Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning" and "Apocalypto" were both bloodier than any of those, but I didn't see it. So "Running Scared" and "Silent Hill" are probably the winners here--"Underworld: Evolution" was gorier than either of them but it wasn't nearly disturbing as either. I dunno. Actually, all of them win.

The Ultra-Special "My Ass" Award Nominees:
-Those who STILL don't think Global Warming exists
-The Gaming Industry
-Homophobic people
-Maddox (though he is funny...)

Winner: All of 'em.

Most Blatantly Commercial Nominees:
-A Night at the Museum (disqualified, I didn't see it)
-Eragon (disqualified, I didn't see it)
-The countless sh***y horror movie remakes and sequels (again, disqualified)
-X3

Winner: X3? Noo! I loved that movie!

Worst Product Placement Nominees:
-A Night at the Museum (for Museums)
-Click (for remote controls)
-Eragon (for sh***y Star Wars rip off books)
-Happy Feet (for awful pop singer albums)
-Monster House (for awesome red kites, and basketballs)
-Over the Hedge (for pink flamingos, and junk food, and pretty much everything...ewww)
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest (for Johnny Depp as Jack Sparrow theatre standees that his army of fan girls will molest forever)
-Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning (for chainsaws)
-When A Stranger Calls (for caller ID)

Winner: Over the Hedge. It's a commercial for suburbia!

Most BORING Nominees:
-A Prairie Home Companion (I love the radio show, but this movie bored the s**t out of me. I had to walk out, for cryin' out loud!)
-Marie Antoinette (I don't even HAVE to see this movie to know it's boring as hell. It's Sofia Coppola. It's BORING.)
-Superman Returns

Winner: A Prairie Home Companion. Sorry, Mr. Keilor! I'd have chosen Broken Flowers, but that was technically a 2005 film.

Lamest Villain Nominees:
-Those lame evil cars from Cars that I don't even remember the f*****g names of
-Lex Luthor of Superman Returns
-Psychic Tattoo Girl in X3

Winner: Lex Dumbfucking Luthor. His big plan is to create ugly-looking alien land that will displace the rest of Eath's land so everyone will have to buy land from him. In this movie, Lex is a dumbfuck. Not only will this destroy the economy and money wouldn't be worth anything anyway, but also, who the f**k would want to buy that sh***y ass land from him anyway? The dumb Tattoo Girl With the Psychic Powers in X3 is the runner up here, because she's just lame, and her acting was awful.


The Biggest Cinematic Turd of the Year Nominees:

...You know, I don't know what to put here. I avoided all of this year's worst films, but I saw a lot of ones I felt were lukewarm. I don't know how I can call any of the films I saw the Worst Film of the Year. It doesn't feel right. I just feel like, this wasn't a great year because of how many disappointing films there were, but none of them were completely despicable, either. So, I'm skipping this one this year. Sorry.

Part Two - Things Other Than Movies

Album of the Year Nominees:
-Angelspit: "Krankhaus"
-Deftones: "Saturday Night Wrist"
-Deadstar Assembly: "Unsaved"
-Emilie Autumn: "Ophiliac"
-Evanescence: "The Open Door"
-Flyleaf: "Flyleaf"
-Muse: "Black Holes and Revelations"
-Mushroomhead: "Savior Sorrow"
-She Wants Revenge: "She Wants Revenge"
-Three Days Grace: "One-X"
-Tool: "10,000 Days"

Winner: Evanescence's "The Open Door," a spectacular and stylish return to form. Epic sadness!

Song of the Year Nominees:
-Angelspit: "100%"
-Deadstar Assembly: "Killing Myself Again"
-Emilie Autumn: "Let the Record Show"
-Evanescence: "The Last Song I'm Wasting on You" (hidden on "The Open Door")
-She Wants Revenge: "Tear You Apart"
-Three Days Grace: "Animal I Have Become"

Winner: Deadstar Assembly's "Killing Myself Again." A truly kickass Industrial Metal song, and the best of their Unsaved album.

Most Exciting Upcoming Album Nominees:
-Black Light Burns: "Cruel Melody"
-Celldweller's next album
-Fluffy Starr's debut album
-Porcelain and the Tramps' debut album
-Zeromancer: "Stay Sinners"

Winner: Black Light Burns' "Cruel Melody." The samples kick all kinds of ass. This looks like one hell of a new band. "Stay Sinners" comes in a close second, though...can't wait for that!!

Game of the Year Nominees:
-Call of Cthulhu (NO WAY THAT'S WINNING, f**k THAT BUGGY-ASS GAME THAT IS LITERALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO COMPLETE)
-Dreamfall: The Longest Journey

Winner: Dreamfall, but damnit, I WANT MORE GAMES TO PLAY! Too bad none come out that interest me.

Novel of the Year Nominees: (These are novels I read this year...they didn't have to be written this year!)
-American Gods
-Johnny the Homidical Maniac
-Reality's Crusade (SHAMELESS PLUG)
-Tithe: A Modern Fairy Tale
-Watchmen
-The Zombie Survival Guide

Winner: Watchmen. It's a shoe-in, I know, but this book is truly a classic.

Worst thing that happened to me this year Nominees:
-Sensory defensiveness got worse.
-Sensory defensiveness got worser.
-Got obsessed with the idea of a dream girl.
-Got obsessed with becoming more compassionate, and failed miserably.
-Serious, serious stages of depression and hopelessness.
-Had worst meltdown since 7th grade.
-Contemplated suicide for the first time since 4th grade.
-A lot of things I feel guilty about.
-More chaos dealing with limerence

Winner: Everything, man. It's all connected.

Best thing that happened to me this year Nominees:
-Finished multiple drafts of "Reality's Crusade," my novel!
-Started "Veresae."
-Found WrongPlanet.
-Went on a friendly outing for the first time since 5th grade.
-Started college.
-Discovered MUSIC that I liked!

Winner: "Reality's Crusade." This is my careeeeeer as a noveliiiiiist!

Biggest Regret Nominees:

Winner: (CANCELLED! This is public. Hence, I cannot discuss personal things I regret. But they are many in number, believe you me!)

Part Three - Special Achievements in Cinema

Best Action Sequence Involving Vehicles Nominees:
-Children of Men: The car-being-attacked-by-a-mob scene
-Mission Impossible III: The Bridge-With-Hellicopters-And-'Splosions Sequence
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: The Kraken-Attacks-the-Pearl sequence
-Superman Returns: the scene where Supes saves a plane from crashing
-Underworld: Evolution: The Marcus-Attacks-The-Truck scene

Winner: Children of Men. Dude, that scene lasts for five minutes and it's all in one brilliantly-choreographed shot. Just outstanding action. Merciless and brutal as hell, though. Wonder how they managed those blood effects in just one shot? And the breaking windshield?

Best General Action Sequence Nominees:
-Silent Hill: Pyramid Head attacks! Sword through the wall! Cockroaches everywhere!
-Pan's Labyrinth: The Pale Man attacks!
-Underworld: Evolution: The "Kill Will" Scene (i.e. the end battle)
-V for Vendetta: The end battle, where V throws the knives
-X3: Siege at Jean Grey's House

Winner: Tie between X3 and Silent Hill. Both reek of awesomeness.

Best Duel Nominees:
-Jet Li's Fearless: The duel in the teashop
-Mission Impossible III: Tom Cruise Vs. Philip Seymore Hoffman
-X3: Wolverine Vs. Dark Phoenix-ified Jean Grey

Winner: Fearless! No contest. What an amazing duel that was, and an emotionally charged one, too. You can watch it on YouTube, but it's even better in the context of the film because of the way the story builds it up.

Best Visual Effects, Technical Nominees:
-The Fountain
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
-Superman Returns
-Underworld: Evolution
-X3

Winner: Pirates. Davey Jones was beautiful and shockingly realistic work. This year's Gollum!

Best Visual Effects, Artistic Nominees:
-A Scanner Darkly
-The Science of Sleep
-Silent Hill

Winner: I wish I wasn't biased, because by all rights "The Science of Sleep" should win this one--it was the most artistically original, with such wonderful cardboard and felt creations. And "A Scanner Darkly" would come in second, in that case. But I want to give it to "Silent Hill" because it's just the artistic style I like most. I love dark and gothic and gritty. The sets and monsters were just handled so well!

Best Monsters Nominees:
-Pan's Labyrinth
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
-Silent Hill

Winner: Silent Hill again. Simply gorgeous freaks! Love Pyramid Head, the Nurses, Taffy Man (or whatever he's called...), the Janitor, the Ash Babies (official title: the Grey Children), etc.

Best Overall Style Nominees:
-A Scanner Darkly
-The Fountain
-Renaissance
-Running Scared
-Silent Hill

Winner: It's a tie between Silent Hill and Running Scared. Running Scared has an immensely awesome feel. This is a crime/mafia movie that feels like a horror film. It basically took the gritty, New York Noir feel of the "Max Payne" games, removed the narration, and then spun it in a brutal, disturbing urban fairy tale story involving a child on the run from the cops, multiple mafias, pedophiles, and one sick albino pimp. Come to think of it, it's probably the most accurate depiction of America ever seen on film. Hard to watch, and bloody as hell, but still with a great style.

Best Trailer for a 2007 film Nominees:
-300 (http://raincloud.warnerbros.com/wbmovies/300/trailer/trailer_500.mov)
-Behind the Mask: The Rise of Leslie Vernon (http://behindthemaskthemovie.com/)
-Black Sheep (WARNING: R-RATED TRAILER! http://www.blacksheep-themovie.com/)
-Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (http://www.apple.com/trailers/wb/harrypotterandtheorderofthephoenix/)
-Hot Fuzz (http://www.workingtitlefilms.com/trailers/hotfuzz_trailer_xlarge.php)
-Spider-Man 3 (http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony_pictures/spider-man_3/large.html)
-Transformers (http://movies.yahoo.com/feature/transformers.html)

Winner: 300. Beautiful, just beautiful. Even wins over a guy who didn't like "Sin City."

Best Trailer for a 2006 film Nominees:
-A Scanner Darkly (http://www.apple.com/trailers/warner_independent_pictures/ascannerdarkly/)
-Curse of the Golden Flower (http://www.apple.com/trailers/sony/curseofthegoldenflower/)
-Renaissance (http://www.apple.com/trailers/miramax/renaissance/)
-The Science of Sleep (http://www.apple.com/trailers/warner_independent_pictures/thescienceofsleep/)
-Smokin' Aces (http://www.apple.com/trailers/universal/smokinaces/)
-X3: The Last Stand (http://www.apple.com/trailers/fox/tls/trailer/)

Winner: X3. Before that trailer, I'd nearly lost hope.

Best Male Performance Nominees:
-Gael Garcia Bernal in "The Science of Sleep"
-Michael Caine in "Children of Men"
-Johnny Depp in "Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest"
-Robert Downey, Jr. in "A Scanner Darkly"
-Hugh Jackman in "The Fountain"
-Sergi Lopez in "Pan's Labyrinth"
-Bill Nighy in "Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest" (he was Davy Jones)
-Clive Owen in "Children of Men"
-Paul Walker in "Running Scared"

Winner: I'm gonna go for the underdog here and give it to Paul Walker, but only because he was TERRIBLE in everything else. The other nominees' performances were as good if not better than his, but they were all people you EXPECT great acting from. Walker's intense and believable performance came completely left-field.

Best Female Performance Nominees:
-Ivana Baquero in "Pan's Labyrinth"
-Jodelle Ferland in "Silent Hill" (and possibly "Tideland," though I didn't see it)
-Charlotte Gainsbourg in "The Science of Sleep"
-Rachel Weisz in "The Fountain"

Winner: I'll give it to Charlotte Gainsbourg because she's totally unknown and delivered a stunning, sad performance.

Hottest Female Performance Nominees:
-Kate Beckinsale in "Underworld: Evolution"
-Penelope Cruz in "Volver"
-Eva Green in "Casino Royale"
-Kate Winslet in "Little Children"
-Rachel Weisz in "The Fountain"

Winner: Eva Green. I didn't see "Casino Royale" but the trailers were enough to tell me she was friggin' hot in it. (I didn't see "Volver" or "Little Children" either. Or not yet, anyway.)

Best Sex Scene Nominees:
-Kate Beckinsale and Scott Speedman in "Underworld: Evolution"
-Rachel Weisz and Hugh Jackman in "The Fountain" (in the bathtub)
-Pyramid Head and the Nurses in "Silent Hill" (disqualified because this didn't actually happen, thank God)

Winner: None were that hot! Sheesh! I guess I missed this year's great sex scenes. I'd have chosen "The Dreamers," had it been a 2006 film--Eva Green had seriously hot sex scene in that.

Best Cinematography Nominees:
-Children of Men
-Jet Li's Fearless
-Superman Returns
-Running Scared
-Silent Hill
-X3

Winner: Children of Men, all the way. No contest. Seriously. Running Scared comes in second, though.

Best Editing Nominees:
-Children of Men
-Domino
-Pan's Labyrinth
-Running Scared
-X3

Winner: Running Scared! This movie is f*****g insane, and its editing is a big part of that.

Best Dialogue Nominees:
-A Scanner Darkly
-The Fountain
-Mission Impossible III
-The Science of Sleep
-V for Vendetta

Winner: A Scanner Darkly. I'm not sure how closely the dialogue follows that of the book (I'm guessing fairly closely), but it's wonderful. Crafty, cunning, hilarious, and symbolic all at once.

Best Soundtrack Nominees:
-The Fountain
-Silent Hill
-V for Vendetta

Winner: Silent Hill. Though the soundtrack was mostly from the game, that makes it no less haunting.

Best Story Concept Nominees:
-A Scanner Darkly
-The Fountain
-Children of Men
-Pan's Labyrinth
-The Prestige
-V for Vendetta

Winner: V for Vendetta. It's all about sedition and overthrowing a corrupt, violent government that's killed its own people! I know it hijacks Alan Moore's plot and makes it more about America than England (even though it still takes place in England), but it's still a great plot!

Best Storytelling Nominees:
-A Scanner Darkly
-The Fountain
-Children of Men
-Pan's Labyrinth
-The Prestige
-V for Vendetta

Winner: The Prestige. This movie may not seem like that great of a story, but it layers the different timeframes in a surreal and effective way. It must have been hard to piece this film together, because it flashes forward and backward more than a Tarantino movie, but director Christopher Nolan pulls off this story masterfully.
Best (Human) Characters Nominees:

-A Scanner Darkly
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
-The Science of Sleep
-V for Vendetta

Winner: A Scanner Darkly. Just great characters.

Best Hero Nominees:
-The Earl of Rochester from "The Libertine," in all his debauchery-doing Deppness
-Jack Sparrow from "Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest"
-V from "V for Vendetta"
-Wolverine from "X3: The Last Stand"

Winner: V. This bastard is iconic, and one cool f**k! Kiss my ass, Jack Sparrow--he was too obvious a choice, especially since Johnny Depp also got his titular role in The Libertine nominated!

Most Evil Villain Nominees:
-That trenchcoat-wearing robot guy from "Grandma's Boy"
-The Earl of Rochester from "The Libertine" (yes, the same one)
-Philip Seymour Hoffman's character from "Mission Impossible III"
-Davy Jones from "Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest"
-The evil witch-burning religious cult from "Silent Hill"
-Pyramid Head from "Silent Hill"
-The cannibalistic pomeranian from "Superman Returns"
-That Bill O'Reily-like guy from "V for Vendetta"

Winner: THE POMERANIAN! Nobody messes with an evil pom. I mean, you can tell that pom is one sick f**k because it eats its own lifelong companion, a fellow pom no less! Davy Jones may have cool tentacles and groundbreaking CGI, but not even he can match the sheer prowess of a pomeranian cannibal.

Best Director Nominees:
-Darren Aronofsky for "The Fountain" (that might be spelled wrong)
-Alfonso Cuaron for "Children of Men"
-Michael Gondry for "The Science of Sleep"
-Christopher Nolan for "The Prestige"
-Guillermo del Toro for "Pan's Labyrinth"

Winner: Alfonso Cuaron. Again, this film's cinematography was groundbreaking, and in the hands of a lesser director, it wouldn't have worked as well as it did. Cuaron shows once again his talent for effective intensity and quiet character bits.

Part Four - The Cinematic Genre Awards

Here's the deal: a film can be nominated for multiple genres (because many genres are mixed these days), but it can only WIN one of them. It's disqualified from the rest. A movie wins in a category because it personifies what I love about the genre best, not necessarily because it's an overall better film.

Best Action-Adventure Nominees:
-Jet Li's Fearless
-Mission Impossible III
-Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
-Running Scared
-Underworld: Evolution
-X3: The Last Stand

Winner: Running Scared. Not for the faint of heart, and certainly not easy to watch, but this underrated and overlooked flick sets out to be one of the most extreme, f****d up pieces of cinema you've ever seen, and succeeds masterfully.

Best Animated Feature Nominees:
-Cars
-Monster House
-Over the Hedge
-Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children (disqualified because it wins a different award, below)

Winner: Monster House! I really didn't like the other two very much--waaaaay too sappy, and too many annoying moments. But I liked Monster House quite a bit! Pure fun stuff. This is how "family entertainment" should be done--in a way that is not exceedingly childish, sappy, annoying, fart-joke-filled, or with that awful "BIG MORAL" factor that the other two nominees insisted on pounding on our heads over and over again.

Best Comedy Nominees:
-A Prairie Home Companion
-A Scanner Darkly
-Grandma's Boy
-Scary Movie 4
-The trailer for Bloodrayne

Winner: Grandma's Boy. Vastly underrated comedy. I laughed during this movie ten times more than during The 40-Year Old Virgin. Maybe that movie only works for non-virgins? Then again, maybe Grandma's Boy only works for gamers. I dunno. But I hate most comedies and found this one pretty f****n' funny. Then again, I was also highly amused by the first hour of Scary Movie 4 and everyone else hated it, so whatever. (That one didn't win because it went downhill about two thirds in, after the blind girl from The Village took a crap in public. Actually I think the actress who played her in that parody was a better actress than the one in the film it was spoofing!)

Best Direct to Video Feature Nominees:
-Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children

Winner: What the f**k do you think the winner is? Final f****n' Fantasy. (Even if its title is stupid because it's never the final one!) Sure, there are some cheesy lines, but who the f**k cares?

Best Drama Nominees:
-The Fountain
- Mozart & the Whale

-The Prestige
-The Science of Sleep

Winner: The Fountain! I cried so hard during this amazing and poetic film. A masterpiece, but one that not everyone will be able to appreciate.

Best Horror Nominees:
-Pan's Labyrinth
-Running Scared
-Silent Hill

Winner: Silent Hill! It is, in my opinion, the best horror movie since "Sleepy Hollow," which was the best since "Bram Stoker's Dracula," which was the best since "Jacob's Ladder." Yes, I have narrow taste when it comes to horror.

Best Political Movie Nominees:
-Children of Men
-V for Vendetta
-X3: The Last Stand

Winner: V for Vendetta! Everything about this movie is well-made, from the performances to the storytelling. Fascinating, brutal, and yet ultimately uplifting, V for Vendetta is a modern classic.

Best Romance Nominees:
- Mozart & the Whale
-The Science of Sleep

Winner: Mozart & the Whale, but I'm biased because it's about aspies. The Science of Sleep would have won if the ending hadn't been so terrible.

Best Sci-Fi/Fantasy Nominees:
-A Scanner Darkly
-Children of Men
-Pan's Labyrinth
-V for Vendetta

Winner: A Scanner Darkly wins, but Children of Men comes in a CLOSE second. I think Scanner explores more interesting sci-fi ideas, wheres Children of Men is more of a thriller in a hypothetical, near-future setting.

Best Superhero Nominees:
-Superman Returns
-V for Vendetta
-X3: The Last Stand

Winner: X3: The Last Stand. For pure superhero fun, nothing can beat this movie. It forgoes the drama and comedy of other superhero movies in favor of focusing on pure action and special effects. The story may mutilate that of its comic book roots, but taken for what is there, this is one of the most fun films I've watched in a long time. V for Vendetta is a better film, but X3 is exactly what I want out of a superhero movie: lots of cool visuals, special effects, mildly interesting story arcs, great character bits sprinkled throughout (Wolverine lighting his cigar with the burning car, for example), and near-nonstop action.

Best Thriller Nominees:
-Children of Men
-Domino
-Running Scared
-The Prestige
-V for Vendetta

Winner: Children of Men. It's hard to praise this movie creatively when everyone else has done so already. Very, very strong film.

Part Five - The Year's 10 Best Films

10) Pan's Labyrinth. I didn't like this movie all that much, actually, but I didn't know what else to put here at spot #10. It's a good film, to be sure, but it's hard to watch because it's so f*****g bloody. I would have preferred more fantasy elements. I LOVED the Pale Man scene, and generally enjoyed the first two thirds despite the violent moments, but in the last third it became too much because there was so little fantasy. I know that it was necessary for the meaning of the film, but you know me...I like monsters. I don't like war. I wish I'd liked this film more than I did, and it's still a good film, but for me it was not the masterpiece that so many critics called it.

9) Children of Men. This is one intense movie. I really don't know how they shot some of it. I've said enough about it earlier on in the Jonnies. It's a great film. It would have been higher, but something about it, for some reason, didn't rub me in that special place that made me go "Oh gawd I LOOOOOOVE this!" I liked this movie a lot, and I think it's extremely well made, but I didn't -love- it, so it's at #9.

8 ) Mozart & the Whale. What can I say? This was a shoe-in.

7) Final Fantasy VII: Advent Children. The second most fun I've had watching a movie all year. Simply incredible CGI! This would have been higher if the story had made sense to me (I never played the game it's a sequel to), and if it hadn't had some annoyingly over the top voices (though that is often the case for anime).

6) A Scanner Darkly. Philip K. Dick done right and done faithfully, a first in cinema. ("Blade Runner" and "Minority Report" both had very good things about them, but neither are particularly true to the source material.) "Scanner" is unique. The story is great and deeper than deep. The characters are funny as hell. The animation is amazing and contrary to popular belief by those who haven't SEEN the film, it isn't gratuitus at all. See this movie.

5) The Prestige. You know, it was SO good to see a film that is based on STORY. Some films focus on emotion, others on characters, others on themes, but The Prestige tells out to tell an interesting story in the most interesting way possible. The trailers make the plot out to be simple, but it's not simple at all. I strongly recommend this film, even to those who have no interest in seeing a movie about dueling magicians. Trust me, it's good. I can't say much because I don't want to spoil anything, but it's just one of those movies that I can safely say most of you will enjoy.

4) V for Vendetta. If you've seen it, you know why.

3) Silent Hill. Not only is this film frightening as hell, not only are the monsters and sets as cool as can be, not only is the acting good, it's also the first video-game-based movie to do any of that right! (Ironically enough, it's also the first to actually be true to the source material in terms of story, OR in terms of overall look and feel!) As a gamer, even a frustrated gamer, this means a lot to me. Some have compared the film to "Resident Evil," but the "Resident Evil" films are complete and utter shite compared to this! Bravo, Christophe Gans, for ensuring that what could have been one of the worst films of the year was instead one of the best.

2) X Men 3: The Last Stand. Fun, fun, fun. Pure fun. Stupid? Sure. Untrue to the comics? Mmhmm! Some cheesy dialogue? You betcha. Wasted potential in some ways? Definately! But I don't honestly give much of a s**t! This movie is the most consistently entertaining film of the year for me, the movie that has me excited and laughing and going "coooooool" practically every other moment.

1) The Fountain. No film this year connected with me as much as this one did. This exceedingly original film is the closest anyone has come to filming poetry, and like any good poem, not everyone will like it, and different people will interpret it in different ways. For me, this film was about accepting death, about it, in some cases, being a beautiful release from the world. The fact that it also deals so heavily with finishing a book that Rachel Weisz's character wrote made it connect even further. This is a film that any gothic poet or gothic novelist should look into, because even though the film itself isn't gothic at all, it contains ideas regarding death and writing that I think a lot of gothic writers can connect to. This also gets the top spot because it was the only film this year to do all three of the following things: make me cry long and hard, fascinate my mind, and look f*****g good while doing so.

Overall, last year was a better year, I think. I loved all the films on my 10 Best list, and some that didn't make it on there. This year, that's not the case. Blargh. Oh well. I haven't seen every film from this year, so maybe I just missed some of the stuff that I'll really like. (Possibilities: Renaissance, Curse of the Golden Flower, Babel, Perfume, etc.)

I also want to extend an honorable mention to "An Inconvinient Truth," which is more important for any of you to watch than any of the films on my Best Of list.

I'm agreeing with you on most of your awards accept the V for Vendetta stuff. Too high on the list for my taste.

Thanks! V's presence was to point out 2 things:

1) Most critics don't put it on their list because most of them saw it in 2005 so it went on their 2005 list! (Though, granted, this wasn't directly stated.)
2) That whole "If you've seen it, you know why" attitude sucks. XD

Honesty minus the dry humor: I do love the film, and I think overall it's very well done, but I also think it's more flawed than a lot of people want to think. Heh.

I'd initially dismissed Running Scared as a "let's try and throw Paul Walkers 'career' a life-ring; maybe something where he gets to be macho and pose lots". Based on what you had to say about it, I gave it a second chance and man am I glad I did. You were right... this is a difficult film to watch. I've had to pause it every now and then and take a break because I wound up getting the adrenaline shakes.
A lot of critics and IMDB-reviewers criticised the over-use of the f-word as '...scriptwriters pathetic attempt to pad the dialog and give it more street-cred'. I disagree... under the circumstances, I think that that's about all that'd be coming out of my mouth.
The cinematography is awesome... definitely gives this claustrophobic, stressed-out feeling.
Joey I don't like. I empathise with him, but I do not like him.
Teresa... that woman rocks.
Joey's kid needs a smack to the head. When dad tells you to stay put, you do it.
and so on n so forth.
Again, thanks for the recommendation... I think this one's gonna make it to our Movie Night.