30-something AS questions from a ND

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Hey there everyone, I'm new around here and have a husband (32yo)who is self-identified as Aspergers and PTSD (he is in the military and this combination has taken a serious toll). I'm 31 and have official diagnoses for Dyslexia/Dyspraxia/ADHD and received all the tutoring and therapy in childhood a person would need to get the coping skills to handle adult demands. In childhood his parents did all they could to keep his differences "under wraps" while gleaning special education and other resources successfully though moving and his mother being a teacher. No diagnosis has allowed him to serve in the military, his mom's efforts were effective in getting him free speech therapy at the cost of his dignity and failing grades. It seems everything is blowing up now because the help he needed with coping and other social differences are making Army life and married life/friendships really toxic.

What can be done and what help can one get without an official diagnosis? What would you recommend? I know how much a standard learning disability can hurt a person and know how much the help is needed, but not at the cost of our income going public. He will be leaving the military due to "hazing" type incidents after this enlistment and will be using his GI Bill benefits while I pull the career weight, but 10 more months is a long time with all the trouble that comes from his coping in a high stress environment. I have never been this stressed in my life and this is not the man I met 6 years ago who just had a few emotional/communication differences compared to now after 2 terms in service.

Does service damage one more who is on the autistic spectrum? Does the brainwashing work better than on an NT? Does the stereotypical behavior tendency go horribly wrong with this type of treatment and role models? He's become flatly abusive instead of how he'd simply not understand the ramifications of certain behaviors in the past and meltdowns are daily. My views on life are so different from his that we actually speak different languages regardless of how "neurodiverse" the "NT"s consider someone like myself. If any of you can help or shed some light I would very much appreciate being able to help him and not hurt him in the process due to the military situation.

Thanks tons in advance!

Hi!

First off, I'm sorry you and your husband are going through that. I'm glad you're seeking advice and help.

It sounds like both of you have an awful lot to bare right now. My advice is to try to seek out a counselor. He may not want to burden you or even know how to talk about his feelings if he never has before. A counselor (therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist) could be very useful to take pressure off you and him. If payment/insurance is an issue, he should seek benefits from the veteran's association. The therapist should be able to recognize what's going on with him even if he doesn't say it aloud right away.

One of the best things you can do right now it be there for him. You mentioned that his parents taught him to hide who he is and what he's feeling and that, I'm sure, has had a massive impact on him. Just to know that you love him no matter what, for exactly who he is, is very important. He may not be ready or want to talk about his PTSD or his hazing but if he does open up, it will be very good to know you will not judge him and he will not be a burden. Let him know how much you care about him in whatever way you can.

In terms of the questions on ASD and the military, I'm not sure. Someone here may know better than me, but people on the spectrum would likely have a much harder time in the military for a myriad of reasons. You mentioned he treats you differently. Although it might be hard, you may need to outline exactly what is going on for you. "I am very angry/sad when you..." types of statements. One of the skills he may need to refresh or learn is how to recognize his own feelings and talk about them.

So I'm sure that isn't everything, but I hope this helps a bit. Good luck to the both of you.

Thanks so much for posting, this is pretty heavy to say the very least. I'm quite distressed by all of this and scared.

Counseling isn't an option because he will be thrown out of the military which is why I'm here looking for answers that wouldn't warrant a discharge, he is currently active duty and matters didn't get out of hand until being promoted to SGT which is a non-comissioned officer. He wants to seek assistance through the VA when his time is up in October, but since they're already trying to get him barred from reenlistment (this is what happens when they don't have anything to be able to kick you out, but they make it clear they don't want him back, it effects your discharge and benefits) seeking help for anything along with his ability to function has really plummeted in ways I never imagined. I'm unable to pull him out of this spiral and every bit of understanding/encouragement I've given has been met with rage, tantrums, violent outbursts, rebellion, relapse (he is a sex addict and I will not go into more for the respect of the program), road rage, wow.... I'm actually afraid of him.

I'm at the end of my rope. I grew up abused (emotional, institutional, sexual, physical) and this is worse. My health is failing and I can't even function anymore. I'm isolated from friends, neglected of basic needs (I'm a prisoner in base housing to put simply, we only have one car and no resources I can get to so i may as well be incarcerated), I'm living at his mercy and he doesn't have the capacity to understand what is actually happening. The only thing I understand is I cannot live this way and have no one who can help me considering the circumstances, especially the lack of mobility from having one car and his employers insisting on punishing me through him. If I knew in advance how serious his condition was I never would have allowed myself to be put in this circumstance, but I'm sick of enabling my biggest abuser.

I outline everything, but every situation is different because it happened at a different time or I voiced it once? I never knew that I could be reduced to an object so easily or that people who act like that can sleep at night or feel entitled to love/care when it isn't equal. I don't know how to reason with him. I do know he suffers and this is not a choice, but I also know without help he will continue to suffer and it will get worse. They don't have the grounds to dismiss him on the charges they have made, but maybe a med-board is the best thing that could happen to him so he could get help. He knows he's not staying in and wants to use his benefits for education so he can get a new life. Its scary to think that getting help can be punished and they can steal that from you.

I'm convinced his parents are on the spectrum from their behavior or have some other psychological issues, they still harp on him when he contacts them about not getting help or he'll be blacklisted forever. They have seemingly shunned other family members for disability related topics.

I want to be there, but I've been there for a long time (6 years) and I'm breaking. I refuse to go to therapy because of the abuse I've faced (I'm antipsychiatry for very good reason), but I don't think I can hold out for a normal life in October either. I know whatever damage has happened after him deploying twice and battling addiction will not leave on its own, I'm not sure that someone on the spectrum can combat it or fix it. All of my friends with asperger's and autism received help in childhood specifically to cover that. They cope far better than he does and socialize better as well, but when he was little there was no such disorder and his parents exploited special ed for his speech impediment. No other help has caused a huge lack in development. Can this be regained in adulthood?

I'm sorry for rambling, I'm only educated on the voice of doctors and researchers. It doesn't look good from their point of view and I certainly hope that there is some hope for a better life.

Hi. I am sorry for the situation you find yourself in.
Firstly, I may know how you feel about being trapped in this. My husband is an ex-ghurka, and has PTSD. He is dangerous, and unpredictable. I don't think he is as extreme in his behaviour as yours seems to be, but he has certainly had some moments, and I have been with him for nearly 16 yrs. I am the one with AS.
In my OPINION, the PTSD is your real problem. I am not sure how the aspergers contributes to it - maybe to the nature of it more than the severity of it. My husband once had a nightmare so severe, I had to awaken him, knowing in his state, he could well kill me before he was able to recognize that I was his wife. It literally took me minutes to make him realize it wasn't happening - he wasn't at war, and then he spent an hour hunched over a plate of food he couldn't eat, looking grey, and trembling.
His 'episodes' had always come and gone, but a couple of years ago, he was pretty much psychotic for about a year. At the end of that time, I felt emotionally wrung out. I was deeply depressed, sad, tired, frustrated, angry, resentful, FED UP, suicidal, desperate etc. and literally planning to kill him. I would have suicided by then if not for my kids. I knew that if I tried to leave, or if I suicided, my kids lives , if they even survived, would be messed up. I really thought the only chance I could give them was to get rid of him. It didn't matter what happened to me - my family would look after my kids. I just had to make absolutely certain he couldn't hurt them anymore. I knew that outside help would not work. He is very dangerous, and I knew people would die before they even figured out what they were up against. I did try to talk to the police once, and felt that I was dismissed as a wife who was just mad at her husband, and being over-dramatic. They didn't get it. And I knew I could not live with myself is some kid's dad did not come home because of how I chose to fix the problem.
My husband has other issues too though. He has has such a s**t life, and probably never felt safe, or had regular food and shelter until he joined the army. He has had almost no education. Difficulty communicating.
I cannot relax when he is home, even if he is in a good mood or asleep. It feels like there is something suffocating in the air. It is gone only when he is far away. This is true now, even though he has been 'pretty good' for a couple of years. He has had a lot of improvements for a lot of reasons, which I will tell you just in case any of of can help you. But the good mood can disappear at any time, with NO WARNING, over NOTHING!!
Everything wrong in his life is my fault. I am stupid, and lazy and I think you get the picture.
And I know he will never change, and he is incapable of 'getting it'.
I could say so much more here....

I think my AS has actually helped me at times. I am good at pretending it didn't hurt me, and I can disassociate sometimes. Sometimes I think it it would be worse if I didn't disassociate, but of course, sometimes I say stuff. But those days when he is constantly seeking me out in order to use me as his whipping boy feel like a major marathon to me. I wind up 'shutting down' and going blank, and physically rocking, which I don't do unless I'm quite distressed. Other times, I lie down on the floor and look at the dust and try to convince myself not to go into the black hole in my head. Luckily I love my kids.
I feel trapped. I don't think there is escape for me. The rules society has to help just won't work for me. I don't know if this is the case for you.

I don't know if you have kids. I don't know if you do what I do, and look for reasons to forgive him, understand him, see things from his side, maybe try to reach out to him, make him understand etc (even though you also desperately wish he was dead other days)

After 16 years, I know I am not the problem, I did not create the unrest in his head, and there is nothing I can do to fix it. If he does not want to change then it will never change. I have seen it too many times: "if this happens, then he won't be upset anymore", "if we buy that, then he won't have a reason to be angry"
The problem is inside him and only inside him, and no external circumstance or possession, or action by me, will change that. Still, since he has settled down a bit, I am still playing the game, waiting until the day I can leave without risking my kids. He has until then to prove he is good enough to be with me. I totally don't believe he can. Yesterday he came home from flood cleanup, after watching stressed people fight. His mates started talking about how nuts their wives would make them, and one of them said he slapped his wife once. My husband said "that is wrong, you should never hit woman no matter how crazy they make you". (his mum was bashed to death by her 'man') (that probably saved my life more than once)
When he came home, he was happy with himself for being such a good man, and how lucky I was to have him, and he was not as bad as others. So the hurt he caused me the previous day was assumed to have been forgiven. (He did not apologize to me or even ask me if I was over it)

You have said a lot which is about him, what you think he wants, what you think will be good for him. I find myself doing that, and at the back of my mind I recognize I am only pretending it has something to do with the POINT, and that I am lying to myself that it would fix anything.

But you have also said :

-If I knew in advance how serious his condition was I never would have allowed myself to be put in this circumstance
-I'm at the end of my rope.
-I'm living at his mercy
-I'm breaking

In my OPINION, you will never have a moment's peace while he is in your life at all. In my OPINION, if you find a way to start a life without him, after a while, when you've adjusted, you will not believe you let yourself live that way for so long.

There could be a thousand reasons why what I'm saying could be wrong for you. After all, I only know what you told me, and I am clearly biased, and maybe thinking too much about my life and not enough about yours. I just hate to think of you wasting your life this way. You need to think about being on your death bed, looking back on your life, and working out what would be your biggest regret. Would it be giving up on him when maybe you were his only chance at happiness? or would it be wasting your life on him and not giving yourself a chance at happiness? Or something else altogether?

Meanwhile, things to consider, which probably won't help, but you never know....
My husband is chemically sensitive. Pesticides and a lot of other chemicals greatly affected his moods, and definitely contributed to the frequency and severity of his psychotic episodes. Peoples moods are much more susceptible to chemicals than they generally know. Some pesticides for example act like oestrogen in the body contributing to a condition called 'oestrogen dominance' and hormone imbalances which can affect mood, as well as cause other problems.
The symptoms my husband would experience which were all tied to his chemical sensitivity include:
Sleeplessness, or being a very light sleeper
Constipation, sometimes weeks
Allergies - sinus, rashes, etc - to pollen, foods (food types would keep changing)
Grey pallor to his skin
irritability, which would grow into fury, depression, suicidal tendencies

Taking medications could make things worse because he'd get so sensitive that the preservatives in meds would cause further problems. But I am not sure if it's the preservatives, or something else, or the meds themselves, because certain ones would make him worse.

He improved a lot, and not has almost eliminated sugar from his diet, which has helped a lot too, and is getting physically fitter. He is still an a**hole, no cure for that. But I know that is from his PTSD, because he is still paranoid, and tiny things can still trigger his temper. When he is calm he is OK. I wish I could trust it would last.

Man, what a long post

I appreciate your long post!

I would agree that PTSD is the real problem and your sharing has helped so much. Your experiences are very similar to mine minus the human children, my feline children cause me to hang in there for the same reasons. Survival is another reason (I have no one, I haven't for years) since I've given all I have and have no fall back, I am very far from home with no personal property anymore as I gave everything up due to the military requirements placed on us. You're right that I cannot have a moment's peace with these circumstances and the person he has become, but I think I'd have less piece knowing the damage of leaving him in the world alone as he cannot fend for himself...

I don't know how to say this and I do apologize if this comes off horribly, but except for his time at work I have to do everything for him. He has never been taught to care for himself nor forced to, I'm scared because I'm seeing that at this point he cannot be taught and a very dangerous pattern has begun. If I could make him aware or make it stick I'd be less frightened. There is something in his mind that never lets it stick for more than a few moments. He knows he does wrong, he has remorse, he loses control... But he refuses to take action or face it because it "isn't a big problem for him in the present tense" for lack of a better explanation. I hear this is common for AS and I cannot wrap my head around it since I am the exact opposite. Instinctually he has no knowledge of how much he has hurt himself and his future, if no one cared for him he would be in jail or dead. He is caught up in his dreams, rituals, obsessions to a point that they are more important than not hurting others and taking care of himself realistically.

I am an enabler and am predispositioned to it since I back down when triggers occur, the second I see pain and distress in him I back down. Somehow he has been shoved through life with above average abilities, but no common sense (this term can make him violent for some reason) or the ability to change what he has done once. If a behavior is familiar, even if horribly damaging or dangerous, this makes it superior even if it is acknowledged as negative. I have never known anyone before who can tell the truth by lying until I met him (i.e. Someone told him something false so he states it verbatim hence it is true since it is what he heard from a source) or who refuses correction while demanding others are wrong for not looking at life through his view. I have tried to fight these behaviors, but I know that one can only change one's self on their own terms. My mind can understand his rationale, but cannot figure out how he validates or changes such adherence to "ritual"......... He will go so far as to talk to himself and recite mantras seemingly to make everything "right" or "comfortable" (I use quotation marks when I really do not understand what he is doing and I'm explaining what I think it looks like).

I feel like a moron even trying to talk about it, I also am afraid of offending people. I try so hard to accept and love all walks of life, everyone needs individualized consideration. He is a college graduate and has served a in two military branches, but its because he has to keep running to survive. I don't want him to run out, he has exhausted three resources many cannot handle getting into. If he were not increasing the cards stacked against him and doing no harm I would say nothing, 32 is a little late in life to understand that it is not everyone else's fault or that you have to take accountability to be independent. I actually feel like I'm being offensive by saying these things about an adult, I feel alien that I need to make anyone understand they are not above society or the law or another human's rights. Relativism or any other philosophy to explain how perspectives are different do not click, even explaining simple things like hate or abuse do not work. It is mean to call people self centered in most cases, but when I use this description it is not being used as anything other than literal and I'm not into literal terms when I voice things. He is also avoidant, the pain or suffering that comes thinking about facing a problem or changing it are worse to him than accepting the negativity of the problem itself.

I do not know how he flew under the radar for so long, but it is going to get really ugly if he does not do something. Society here (especially in Texas and more so in the military) is in more disbelief than myself, their course of action is literally bullying or beating someone into submission. This is how he learned this behavior even though it is not effective on him. I met him in the beginning of his first term of service, lots of bullying and two deployments later I now see something I could have never predicted and I would have never left my life and home had I known. If there is a way for people who do not understand things like most other people do (and I'm living proof it is possible) there is hope, there has to be. I just can't give up when nothing has ever been done to even try.

Are your views anything like his? I do not know how he got a college degree even with his lack of perception and context, I do know why he cuts and runs while manipulating the truth to stay ahead of the pack. That behavior he learned at home and at work. I'm not meaning that as they [baseline traits for holding steadfast to a very different perception to others] cannot be channeled or good, but do you understand what he is doing at all or how to help? I know what it is like to think and do very differently from most people, but I do not understand this side of perception and it is very confusing and scary to me.

You and your husband seem to have the same deck of cards as me and mine, except reshuffled and dealt differently.

I am happy to give you my thoughts, but I am no qualified professional and worried that I may somehow cause harm by trying to help. Please keep in mind that everything I say is based purely on my own experience and projected onto what I perceive to be your situation.

When I am calm and happy, I seem to be very normal. I can socialize and handle all sorts of challenges. But when I am distressed, like when my husband does his thing, I start acting the aspie. I want to shut down, find every little thing to be too much to bear, get resistant to seeing anyone, going anywhere, get angry over nothing. My mind seems to short circuit and I find it harder to do more than one thing at a time.
The rituals are repetitive, predictable and soothing. They give my mind something to 'latch onto' while the mental storm calms down, like a life preserver. The storm is like too many things flying at my head and I just can't swat them away fast enough so they overwhelm me. Sometimes my head gets so 'full of noise' that I feel I can't take it, and I visualize myself hitting my head to try to make it stop, or sometimes getting a big saw and just cutting my head off with it. Don't worry, I haven't done that yet.

I have no idea what is in your husband's head as a result of service, but he is clearly stressed. Maybe the worries over his future, maybe the stress of not knowing how to make things better, maybe all sorts of things are also on his mind. Maybe it's had for him to learn anything because his brain is struggling with the noise?
I know I frequently say 'one thing at a time' or 'I don't like to predict the future' to my kids because I don't want to overload my head with stuff that is not relevant now, especially if I am already worrying about something else. Maybe he knows that he is harming his future, but he really can't deal with that right now because he just has too much other stuff on his mind. I sometimes get the sick feeling I am letting a disaster slip in under my radar because I can't monitor everything at the same time. It makes me feel even more out of control.

The lying thing - my husband has real communication problems. Very small vocabulary, bugger-all education. The very first thing he ever said to me was a lie. He learned to blow smoke to survive when he was orphaned and had to fend for himself on the streets of Singapore. I have a problem telling lies and rarely do, yet I have learned to understand it from him, We have been together almost 16y, and it is only a few weeks ago that I learned something big about him.
He often comes home and says 'everyone says this' or 'so an so says that' as if it is fact which he expects me to accept without argument. I always thought that he had no spine and was such a follower, believing every dumb thing he heard. I now know this is not true. He makes up his own mind, only quotes what supports his own opinion, and ignores what doesn't. I only figured this out when his best mate said to me what cars he liked, and my husband did not change his mind about what HE liked. I realized he did not have the vocabulary to explain things to me any other way, so he 'piggy backed' his opinions on other people's words. Like he hope their surrogate credibility would convince me when he could not offer me rational reasons.
Maybe there is more to his lies than it seems?

Please do not be afraid of offending me. I feel the same way sometimes on this site, because I don't know how the person reading it will take what I say. But I am OK, and I would like to help you, if only to let you feel someone in the world has heard you. I have had days in which I needed that.

Don't be apologetic about the things you say about your husband to me either. Mine can be childish, difficult, selfish and a lot of other things as well. I feel like a bad wife to say that, like I betrayed him or something, but it is true. It is true. Am I supposed to pretend it is not, and just suffer in silence? I don't say those things in public (er, except this anonymous forum ...) or to his mates, or anyone that will embarrass him. It also does not mean he doesn't have good qualities or that I am perfect or without fault.
I will not judge either one of you.
Yours may actually feel lost without your help, if he is used to it. You could be a part of his 'stable environment'. This would mean he is resistant to changing that, and it is not about being childish or immature but about security.

Did you know that Einstein, Newton, Darwin, MarieCurie, Thomas Jefferson, MichaelAngelo, Van Gough, Beethoven, Mozart were thought to be aspies? Just in case you didn't know. See, aspies are very variable, and some are capable of great things. What is required is a suitable environment. Some have great powers of concentration, great imaginations, great intelligence. The fact that they may have difficulty reading other people, or handling too much sensory input, can be managed, if you understand their limits. When aspies need to 'shut down' it is like restarting your computer. Maybe a nuisance, but you get better performance when you do it, and big problems if you don't and it's needed.
I don't mind being an aspie, now that I understand it that way.

Back after a long weekend!

Your support and perspective have helped so much. My husband is on his way to the doctor now and came forward after the work environment pushed him too far today. He is trying to get the limits understood and help processing. I do know many great people would have met the criteria and I'm pretty sure without that gift they may not have been able to make those strides. I'm so thankful for the ND gifts I have even though they can be hard to manage.

Your acceptance and reassurance are so very appreciated, you've helped me drop my reservations especially the ones involving being unable to communicate effectively or incorrectly somehow. It looks like we're dealing with some very difficult partners and fortunately are trying to manage such in an ethical, fair manner. It does take a lot of strength and courage for sure.

This new tricky situation is coming up with him getting help, I'm about to go "shut down" for a few hours since this is getting too heavy for me and my brain and body need a nap or something, but he wants me to read notes or listen to him talk or some type of "planning observational thing". I don't know what he's doing or what the need is, but I do find it emotionally draining and it makes me full of inner rage and tears. He partially wants me to do it for him (like script his words to interact with others) and if he doesn't like my input I will get "talked at(not to, but at)" about how he has to finish saying his thought to me and I have to be silent and listen or something. I think this is a horrible habit and quite counterproductive to dealing with practical situations. I understand the need to rehearse, but this false brainstorm is kinda causing me to lose it mentally. My gut says it's a horrible idea.

Do you know what he is doing with these forced explanations and prep ritual? I can't handle it and it goes horribly every time he has tried to employ these "acts" practically. Do you have any idea of what he should say to his primary care provider or mental health? He did "out" him self today to his supervisor and he is trying to stop the cycle of pain and abuse both in and out of the home.