The trap in my mind

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Furiously angry this morning, just seething, so writing to try and get it out. I can't see a way forward that isn't dark.

I hate whining in others and in myself. I don't want this post to be just a whine about how bad my life is, yet my frustration is so high I have to do something, say something, to somehow change what's going on in my head. I want to yell, scream, throw things around the room, throw a temper tantrum, throw myself on the floor and kick and scream like a little boy.

Can't write. Just sat for five minutes trapped in my head. It's too embarrassing to say what I'm saying, let alone what I'm not. My wife says that I'm always trying to get something from others, validation, love, my sense of being okay. I'm certainly always aware of what others might think and trying to avoid getting yelled at or criticised.

So dumping the crap in my head is hard. It's hard to be nearly out of control. I struggle to find the words to express my experience: chaos and emotion bouncing around, confusing; self-critical, loathing thoughts. I'm suppose to be in control. I can't be out of control because I'll behave badly and hurt someone and harm my reputation, my future.

I must be getting close to something. I'm having trouble staying awake. This happens at times. My mind just seems to shut down. I get sleepy. I don't think that it's a sleep disorder, but rather my mind trying to avoid a truth that lies buried. The sleepiness happens too often when I'm struggling to express my psychological pain for it to be just a body thing. And it only happens then, never just at random.

This reaction has to do with being in control or out of control. It hit when I was writing those sentences above, and it's getting stronger again now. What is it about expressing myself spontaneously if negatively with the risk of critical resonse versus having a smooth, packaged presentation where I've shielded myself from criticism that is fundamental to my psychie? What is it?

Why do I fear criticism? Why do I yearn for the soothing words and low emotional tones of a loving woman's voice? Why do I feel trapped, unable to move, unable to chart a course through the day? I see the challanges, indeed they appear overwhelming. Why can I not give myself praise and self-certainty for just doing my best at what's in front of me? Intellectually I know that I can break these gargantuan tasks into smaller steps, but that doesn't help, I go back to the fear instead.

Why so self-destructive? What does it lead to? It doesn't seem to lead anywhere, just down into darkness and chaos. My own private sojurn through my own private hell.

The anger, the frustration has damped down. The sleepiness lies on top. Emotions from the withdrawl of psycho-active drugs? Perhaps, but I suspect something much more my own, carried with me for a lifetime, kept at bay much of the time but now breaking out.

How much is this experience typical for adult aspies? Who else feels this way?

I've struggled with this too. I was highly socially conditioned as a child and have lost the ability to naturally express myself. It is damaging to the psyche. I no longer know who I really am.
I take a lot of medication, so my feelings are numbed. I feel like a ghost passing time until the door to the next life opens.

You've just described my experience exactly, and in better words than I ever could.

Thank you for posting this.

The sleepiness thing - I do that too. It seems whenever I try to force myself to do something (usually research or writing) that I am really and truly dreading, the brain just employs some sort of "stress override" and shuts itself off. I've lost so much work time this way. I wish I knew what to do about it.

Your post resonated deeply with me, TemporalSeries. I can't say I understand why, but I keep thinking about it.

I'm not sure I have much more to say than that, but I will ad that my therapist told me this recently:

"You suffered abuse for many years. While you were learning about the world, people said cruel and hateful things about you, and you believed them. What they said was not and is not true."

I have experienced this so many times as well. I often do this on various job locations and I know it is all in my head. This usually stems from the fear of being rejected and maybe being jealous of others who have more background in the area that I am working at. So I will often remove myself from a situation and just cry.

I will often create an illusion for myself that my boss or team leader is mad at me or that they will dump me for the other person when I doubt that is the case.

I don't know if you have seen the movie "Black Swan," where the character Nina has certain pressures and expectations that come from her dance teacher.

1. She has to loose herself just enough
2. Another and new dancer with more experience in loosing herself
3. So Nina has a mental breakdown

Sometimes that is how I feel.



In fact, I have experienced this the last couple of times.

I've dealt with something like this. When it's bad I turn to obsessive journaling. I have to be completely alone, and even then I find it frightening. I wonder if the words will come, I wonder if they will have any meaning at all, and I question my sanity. I believe I did have a breakdown because I didn't do this a long time ago, though. It seems to be the only way I can clear out blockages...to relieve that pressure. It usually centers on negative emotions which I have an extremely hard time expressing. If I get them down, however many times it takes it eventually takes the great weight out of them. I channel my nightmares and chaos until they get trapped in the ink on the page instead of in my head.
Good luck and push through. You'll get there.

I wonder if its our hypersensitivity to over stimulation. A lot of emphasis is put on how we suffer sensory overload from sounds and lights ect, but what about thoughts and ideas. Our thoughts are a kind of sensory input too, and I often find that too many ideas rattling around my head often results in a kind of sensory overload. Eventually the overload of thoughts overwhelms and paralyses my brain to the point of not being able to function at all.

Or maybe that's just me lol.

I get like that. When I've had too much (people, noise, socialising), I only have two choices - ignore everyone & bury myself in some research or go to sleep for a bit. Research just calms me, but sleep seems to wipe the stress totally. Other than sleep, alcohol and fishing also seem to have the same effect - think it's that I have to concentrate so hard in social situations that my brain just gets overloaded & I can't handle it. But if I am working at home, I have to make sure I don't have to go out first, otherwise I won't be able to get any work done when I get home.

I just had a weekend with that crap.I am overworked and frightened of not being good enough at work, - so my old, ever lurking social anxiety creeps out in the open, creating huge mountains of threatening rejection surrounded by a forest of lifted fingers.
I miss my harpsicord.

I had a similar weekend, but this time ameliorated with Lorazepam.
Very effective.

I went from cascades of catastrophic anxiety to recognizing a few things I had to deal with, and dealing with them--with no black pit of doom and no fires of recrimination, doubt and fear.

Sounds like Asperger meltdown...

as far as the sleep, YES, that happens to me all the time, after an effort (sensory overload, social stimulus, driving)-- I go crash zzzzz.

Sleep does fix me perfectly, though.

I feel this way often and I also have ADD. Much of what you describe sounds like ADD.

This feeling is what feeds my depression and anxiety. I feel as though there is no point to any of it anymore. I am alone and no one cares. All I want is to be loved by one person who isn't obligated to do so i.e family. I am going to be miserable and misunderstood until I rot away alone in a V.A. retirement hospital. In a hundred years no one will remember my name. It isn't whining its fact and I have no idea how to deal with it. I am not alone knowing that helps me a little.

When I have an idea or something that I have to figure out, then I can't do anything else. I have to learn everything there is to know about that thing, or I have to solve the puzzle, or nothing else matters. I'm in a bit of a funk right now as we speak, because I am sitting at work and all I can think about is ways to not work in a structured environment. I researched so much last week that I landed a $4,000 contract within 2 days of starting to look.

When I totally overload (happens on fridays usually; after days of little sleep due to researching stuff) I just drink a lot and go to bed and sleep for about 12-14 hours. I did great in college because I was genuinely curious about my courses. I would research them to death and usually knew more about the subject than my professors (or at least, more on a very specific subject, and felt the urge to correct them...)

I just figured out that I might be an aspie 4 days ago. I've spent at least 30 hours researching the subject already. I wish I could stop researching so voraciously...

To get back on track: there is always value in life. It is the sum of the little things that add up to a full and robust life. We are different; society doesn't "get it" and they might not ever. We just have to carve out our own niche in life that makes us happy. OP, I hope you find that niche.