I seriously want to end my life right now too

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I can't go on. I'm stuck in a job what I hate, if I move out of my home, all because my brother is a c**t, I would then have to work full time at THAT PLACE and I am NOT working full time when I can't even cope there part time. I will never get another job because of this f*****g disability AND being British (this f****d up country is for Eastern Europeans only now), and I can't quit my job because then I'll have to go back on jobseekers and I am NOT going back to all that s**t again.

I f*****g hate my f*****g brother, he is such a f*****g c**t I hate the f*****g c**t I hate him I hate him I wish he would just f**k off and get a f*****g life. He's happier than me, likes his job, works full time, why the f**k can't HE move out and f**k off? But no, it has to be ME, because NTs always have the upper hand in everything so I suppose I've just got to f**k off.

Yes I will f**k off. I will f**k off to hell, where I belong. I am a worthless c**t, can't make friends, I try to make friends and be accused of following, then be called weird. I try to help myself but I just get kicked further back, while all my f*****g NEUROTYPICAL cousins are all out with their little friends partying all week-end because they are able to mix and be accepted and liked, while I'm just a shy frightened freak who is on nobody's wavelength. I've got no true special interest, just an obsession with a bus company what is going to go under anyway because the c**t that runs this country don't know how to run a country, and I will then lose all the bus-drivers that I loved. Why was I f*****g born with this f*****g bollocking s**t called Asperger's Syndrome?! I f*****g hate having this s**t, I want to f*****g be NORMAL!! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! !! f**k my f*****g life, f**k my sh***y job and all the f*****g strict rules and supervisors watching you like a hawk f**k it all I want to f*****g die.

just kill your emotions but not your experience of life.
i have never felt like i wanted to die because i am different to others. i can live a happy life in isolation. that is the only way i can live a happy life. to embroil yourself in the poisonous stew of humanity and like the taste of it is to be unaware of how sweet your soul can be and is the ultimate waste.

if every person on earth died, would you consider your life to be worthless as a result?

can you see nothing but "validation" in other peoples eyes? can you not see the greater reality of your existence regardless of other humans opinions?

i feel sad for people like you who live on a life support of approval, even though people like you may feel sorry for me who are devoid of friends who can appraise how "worthy" i am.

i so prefer to assess my own value than to leave it to others to assess.

you are missing a tablet that you should take i guess.

Hi Joe90, it sounds like you're going through a difficult time at the moment. I wouldn't do anything rash. First I'd try and relax a bit, whatever helps you do that. Then try and break down your problems and think of possible solutions to them. I'm sure you can overcome them. You don't sound worthless or weird to me. I hope things work out.

/hug

"I'm just a shy frightened freak who is on nobody's wavelength."

You're not a freak. If Asperger's Syndrome is really so debilitating, then why can so many people elude diagnosis until their 50s? Being socially awkward isn't a death sentence. It just means you're a little awkward. Some NTs are attracted to that. My NT wife loves the fact that I am awkward and "don't have any game" as she says. Maybe you're trying too hard to meet people, or maybe you're just meeting the wrong people. Try meeting people online first; you get to know them, and you can be excused for being awkward or shy when meeting in person because it's always awkward to meet in person for the first time.

"I've got no true special interest."

That's good, you're free to pursue whatever interest you want. Would you really want to be stuck obsessing about and only being able to talk about hair follicles for your entire life?

"If I move out of my home, ... I would then have to work full time."

If you want to feel normal, this is the best route to go. You would be amazed at how much better you feel about yourself.

"NTs always have the upper hand in everything"

They have the upper hand in s**t that doesn't matter. Woah, serious chit-chat skills bro, now excuse me while I go engineer something.

I'm sorry to hear things are not working out right now.
It sounds like every aspect of your life is in disarray. Try to hold on, things can change. But I know how you feel . . . I often wish I didn't have ASD and wonder about how much better my life would be if I didn't suffer from it. No point dwelling on it though.
Have you considered getting a second part-time job . . . that way you wouldn't have all your eggs in one basket.

Well I think I would be a lot happier if I didn't have to work week-ends, since week-ends are one of the only things I have in life to look forward to. Admittedly I do every other week-end, which is I suppose better than having no week-ends to myself, but if something happens where I miss out on one week-end (like if it snows the precise Sunday I am off, which has happened nearly 3 times this winter), I then become even more enraged. On Sundays I do what I call Sunday Charity Work, where I am doing volunteering at somewhere that is only open on Sundays and there's a good crowd of people there. I always look forward to seeing them on a Sunday, and I don't see them in the week anyway because they work and have families. So that's one thing I got to look forward to, but if I got another part-time job, it'd have to coincide with my job I have now, and it's hard enough getting jobs these days, without trying to find a job only with convenient hours. Also I'm afraid I might get called to come in on the week-end that I'm off if there is lack of staff, for example if it snows or if a lot of people are somehow off sick at the same time or on holiday.

Another thing I look forward to is going to bed/sleep, but if I go on anti-depressants, I fear that it might stop me from being able to sleep, and that won't be very helpful at all. I know quite a lot of people who have tried out anti-depressants, and all of them have said they've been having an irritating side effect from them, like diarrhoea, dizziness, lack of concentration, sleeping problems, pounding headaches, nausea, and weight gain. Doesn't sound very good.

I also look forward to getting the bus, because I'm obsessed with a certain bus company, but the bus that goes through my town is the only bus in this particular company that comes my way. I also talk to some of the drivers that are friendly, and there's even one who I think likes me, although people don't believe me on that one, they just say ''oh he's a bus-driver, he's probably flirty like that with everybody'', but because I am quite good at detecting body language and hidden messages, I can actually tell that he does like me personally. I am trying to be a little optimistic anyway, which helps my self-esteem issues.

Thanks for all your replies anyway. I still want to end my life, but I haven't got the guts to, and I can't bear the thought of causing major upset for my family.

The very fact you are involved in volunteer charity work tells me you are a caring person who is not worthless by any standards. Even if just one emotionally or financially needy person, child or animal is made happier by your actions, you are making a difference to them, and you are appreciated, even if you don't realise it.

I'm also in a position where I have to work most Saturday mornings, as week as weekdays, and have to find the time for my leisure pursuits.

I'm truly sorry your brother is so mean to you but I hope he may eventually get married and move away. I am sorry I can't offer any more practical advice, but I understand your frustration. Just try every day to do a little something to make yourself, or someone else, happy.

I can be your friend

Joe, does your family know how you feel, do you tell them what you tell us? I have found meny times people can't read me and often get confused about my emoutions thinking i'm happy more so when I'm depressed then when i'm genuinely happy. If they don't know I don't know how to help becouse I can't relay these type of feelings myself, maybe printing off some fourm postings and shareing them if your case warrents it.

I have not wanted to die for about a decade however I know the feeling and still get waves of depression from socity's pressure and the powerless feeling that comes from having Aspergers, were it gives it also often robs in my opinion.

I have worked the same P/T job for 10 years, I know I can do better and thats depressing, thanks to my horrible learning abillitys, severe social skills/anxity and severe sensory issues I don't know were to turn at the moment and thats a major source of depression, also a major source of pressure from socity. Make sure you are using some of the cash from your job to make you happy now, i'm a cheapskate largly becouse being an aspie prevents me from taking part in actitivitys were money is often spent or required, i'm sure you know what they are, however working hard at a unfun job you may have outgrown will be 100% depressing if you can't see or connect any positive impact from it in your life, maybe take some extra trips on that bus if that makes you happy.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL2ZwXj1tXM


this is a tune is listen too when i think about ending my life-it gives me hope

Real uplifting song that helps you put things in perspive..listen to it when your down and see if it helps


sending you many hugs abd lots of love

rox <3