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christof
Butterfly
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14 Feb 2013, 2:45 pm

I'm not really sure what to write here to be honest. The past while for me has been... stressful to say the least but that's not really the problem. Just a reason this post might seem a little disjointed as my head always runs all over the place. No doubt the thread will end up getting moved as I'll probably end up going over several things so it will be kind of grey as to which area it belongs.

I was diagnosed with Aspergers not long before Christmas, which for me hasn’t changed how I look at myself, it's imply helped me understand myself as I know why I'm the way I am rather than just thinking I'm a weirdo and so forth. I know my strengths, my weaknesses and try extremely hard to overcome my issues. In fact the Doctor who did my assessment even said I wasn’t your typical person with Aspergers. I know a lot of people have it a lot worse than I do and I'm thankful I manage as well as I do. However when it comes to trying to maintain any meaningful social life I just can't do it.

Over the years my circle of "friends" has dwindled to almost none. Which I understand as friends move on, life changes and so forth but I just can't seem to make any new ones. I work in an office where the average age is 50+ and I'm 28. Almost every single bar around here insists on blaring music so loud I'm on edge the whole time and just want to leave. The ones that don’t aren't exactly places you would end up meeting new people. Plus it doesn’t help that one to one I manage fine but as soon as there’s more than one person involved in the conversation it's like my brain just shuts down.

I'm honestly running out of ideas for places to meet people. I've tried making friends getting dates online, can strike up a good conversation but the second any hint of things progressing to in person no one can be seen. I've seen a lot of people suggesting libraries or bookstores but I'm dyslexic, don’t enjoy reading so that wouldn't be me, it would be a lie. I've looked through gumtree (think craigslist if you over the pond) for groups with interests similar to mine but its horrendous. Parenting groups, naturist groups, knitting groups (I have it open in front of me) and that’s quite literally it. Not even so much as a photography group.

My friends and flatmate aren’t any help. Hell my flatmate is probably the worst of all for understanding. He knows I have Aspergers, I've tried to explain to him how loud places effect me but all he has to say is literally "man the f**k up". We even ended up arguing (not heated) the last time we were out and while I don't recall his exact words but they were along the lines of "its all in your head, just make yourself better". It seems to be a common theme with the people I know, they say they understand then come out with things that shows they clearly don't have the first clue.

Anyway, I'm going to stop before I end up going off on a ranting tangent. Can anyone give me ideas on where I might meet some new people? Or if any women on the forum would be willing to take a look at my okcupid profile so I can get a womans perspective? (not going to go posting the link all over the forum) It's quite an anti social city outside of the club scene and I'm not the only person that thinks that. I'm all out of ideas and it's getting to the point where I'm considering just giving up. I don't want to and I'm as stubborn as they come when it comes to giving up but it now feels like a hopeless battle. Also no, moving cities isn’t an option.



Cookiemobsta
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14 Feb 2013, 4:26 pm

Could you see a counselor? That would give you at least one person to talk to, and it would also help you brainstorm solutions to your "finding friends" dilemma.



Marcia
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14 Feb 2013, 4:54 pm

There's a website called Meet Up. I must've joined it at some point because they keep sending me emails, but for various reasons I've not made it along to anything. I'm a single parent, so it's not always easy to get out.

Going by the emails they send me there's quite a range of interests represented, so maybe you'd find something that appeals to you. Would be worth a look if you've not already checked it out.



AngelKnight
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14 Feb 2013, 5:01 pm

Second what @Marcia said, there are other sites like meetup.com that could work.

I'm making the assumption you live in Scotland based on profile information. Do you happen to already live in a primary city, like Glasgow, Edinburgh, maybe even Inverness? If not, any chance that transport to one is relatively easy for you?

I've only been in Edinburgh on two occasions but both times I found it lively enough. I've chased myself out of bars where the music was playing too loud too, but it seemed there were enough quieter places open during the day around the Grassmarket and Old Town.



fossil_n
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14 Feb 2013, 5:37 pm

Meetup is a good suggestion, I have used that before, but other than that I really don't know, I've struggled with this same question myself.



ASDsmom
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14 Feb 2013, 7:36 pm

Is there a local support group for people with Aspergers? You might find someone in the exact same position as you. I'm not suggesting to "stick to Aspergers" and if you meet someone who has similar strengths and challenges, you may be able to get along well. Just an idea.



christof
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17 Feb 2013, 10:30 pm

Marcia wrote:
There's a website called Meet Up. I must've joined it at some point because they keep sending me emails, but for various reasons I've not made it along to anything. I'm a single parent, so it's not always easy to get out.

Going by the emails they send me there's quite a range of interests represented, so maybe you'd find something that appeals to you. Would be worth a look if you've not already checked it out.


I'd actually completely forgotten about that site, used to me a member of it about 10 years back or so. Thanks for reminding me, can't hurt to look again.


ASDsmom wrote:
Is there a local support group for people with Aspergers? You might find someone in the exact same position as you. I'm not suggesting to "stick to Aspergers" and if you meet someone who has similar strengths and challenges, you may be able to get along well. Just an idea.


There is, I've been along before and pretty much felt like the odd one out bizarrely. They do have some group activities on I would like to do but they are all scheduled during the day when I'm working. As for the weekends they have little on at all, hoping the schedules change next month so I can maybe go to one or two of them if for no other reason than to attend one of their workshops but it's unlikely as from what I gather they always arrange things in the manner of "first monday of the month", "second thursday of the month" and so forth.


AngelKnight wrote:
Second what @Marcia said, there are other sites like meetup.com that could work.

I'm making the assumption you live in Scotland based on profile information. Do you happen to already live in a primary city, like Glasgow, Edinburgh, maybe even Inverness? If not, any chance that transport to one is relatively easy for you?

I've only been in Edinburgh on two occasions but both times I found it lively enough. I've chased myself out of bars where the music was playing too loud too, but it seemed there were enough quieter places open during the day around the Grassmarket and Old Town.


I live in Edinburgh yeah, I've lost count of the times I've tried to get friends to go to the quieter bars to no avail. Unfortunately I haven't overcome the whole issue of just striking up a conversation at random, something I want to work on but not had much success as it usually involves lots of people around and my head just "shutting down" for lack of a better description when it comes to talking. Maybe it's just my experiences but everyone kind of keeps to themselves unless they are either drunk or going round scrounging for a cigarette. Can't even so much as get a friendly "hello" out of most of my neighbours.

Cookiemobsta wrote:
Could you see a counselor? That would give you at least one person to talk to, and it would also help you brainstorm solutions to your "finding friends" dilemma.


It's something I plan on bringing up again with the doctor although I'm not holding my hopes up on that one. The last time I tried they suggested group therapy when I already explained to them groups made me extremely uncomfortable. Hoping they will take the Aspergers on board now rather than just assuming I'm being ackward to get what I want. Not sure what there is in the way of counselors here outside of the NHS but in all honesty I havent looked into it in a long time.

Thanks for the replies so far, need to try and get some sleep. 3:30am and I need to be up at 4 hours.



ASDsmom
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17 Feb 2013, 11:25 pm

Try opening a "from Scotland" thread, here, and see what happens ;)