Is this an Aspie thing or an inexperience thing?

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Zorae
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15 Feb 2013, 11:29 am

So I'm 23 and recently got asked out for the first time ever. I don't really think of him that way, but he's got lots of positive qualities and there wasn't any real reason to say no.

Our first kiss was pretty meh, but it was short, chaste, and we're both rather inexperienced. So I was too excited by my first kiss to really give it much thought. But when we had our first real makeout, it was also rather unimpressive. I can't tell if it's that we both aren't very good, if romantic fiction has given me unrealistic expectations, or if it might be an Aspie thing (I do have some of the symptoms of being hyposensitive to touch).

I really don't know what to do about it. Do any of you have similar reactions or advice?



Thelibrarian
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15 Feb 2013, 11:46 am

Zorae wrote:
So I'm 23 and recently got asked out for the first time ever. I don't really think of him that way, but he's got lots of positive qualities and there wasn't any real reason to say no.

Our first kiss was pretty meh, but it was short, chaste, and we're both rather inexperienced. So I was too excited by my first kiss to really give it much thought. But when we had our first real makeout, it was also rather unimpressive. I can't tell if it's that we both aren't very good, if romantic fiction has given me unrealistic expectations, or if it might be an Aspie thing (I do have some of the symptoms of being hyposensitive to touch).

I really don't know what to do about it. Do any of you have similar reactions or advice?


Zorae, for personal reasons, this is something I've been thinking about a lot recently. While I do like intimacy, as in "all the way", I've found it's never as good in practice as it is in fantasy. I think this is case for some normal men because pornography encourages unrealistic expectations of women. The case for women is actually similar: Romance novels and such. It is just too easy to forget that the relationships presented in these stories bear only a superficial resemblance to the real thing.

In my case, while I do admire beautiful women, I rarely look at pornography, and am completely turned off by romantic fiction of any kind. Though it is possible that these things have affected me subconsciously, I think in my case I am more affected by my AS.

The second factor is that while being able to get along with your partner in a relationship cannot be overemphasized, that "spark" is very important too. At time when we don't get along with our partners, that spark can frequently pull the relationship through to firmer ground, so to speak.

Hope this helps.



Ai_Ling
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15 Feb 2013, 4:19 pm

Yes I have experienced the same. The reality never really turns out as good as the fantasy. I dont know if this is an aspie thing or not? I do find it hard to form romance with a person unless I am obsessed with them then my sense of romance is rather delusional. I dont know how to find a healthy romantic connection with and not obsess over them. It seems to be an aspie all or nothing thing.



RawSugar
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16 Feb 2013, 3:52 pm

It's because you're just getting to the good stuff. You've yet to see the GREAT stuff.
It's kind of like, when you first start doing something you're not that good at it, you don't know quite what to expect. No, it's never going to be like a novel, but eventually it will be good.



RawSugar
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16 Feb 2013, 3:53 pm

I guess physical attraction is important too. If you don't really think of him that way then there is nothing in your brain chemistry to project that you may enjoy yourself whilst doing these activities.



Catmint
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18 Feb 2013, 8:02 am

Sounds to me like the chemistry just isn't there between you two. Don't consider it a wasted experience because all experiences are valuable - but now you know what it's like when that spark isn't there, you might well recognise a difference when the spark *is* there. A few years ago a friend of mine asked me out and I spent a couple of weeks deliberating whether or not there was something there, and then I realised that there wasn't anything beyond friendship. If the spark is there, it's there, but if it isn't, you can't will it into existence. RawSugar is absolutely right.

Fictional representations of relationships are generally highly inaccurate, quite frankly! *Especially* romance novels/films/etc. And thelibrarian is exactly right when talking about the pornography side of things. I read a couple of romance novels in my early teens but very quickly discovered that I couldn't stand them! I also knew that they're really unrealistic, so I tend to "go with the flow" as it were, because I know that if I want something to work out like in a romance novel or film, it simply ain't gonna happen! You need to go with what's right for *you* rather than what fiction or society says it should be like.


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