Anyone get fed up with being shy/socially anxious?

Post Reply New Topic

I do. It sometimes affects me more than other times. There's not a lot you can do about shyness - especially if you have Asperger's Syndrome because sometimes people with that can try to improve their confidence but find they sometimes come out with inappropriate things that aren't socially acceptable then still end up getting rejected. So you can't win. Often when I tried to be more chatty and confident, I felt I was more in everyone's face and people for fed up with me. Plus I made a lot more social faux pas than I did being quiet. So I have now gone back to being my normal, shy self again. I just wish I was more chatty and everything but without keep making social faux pas. I only know I have made a social faux pas when I read other people's body language, facial expressions, etc (lucky I can pick up on non-verbal cues).

And no, I am not going to start smoking weed to become more confident. That isn't a descent thing to do, and I don't really want to go into work high up on drugs just for the sake of being more confident. Well, it can sometimes make people worse, like get all silly or something. It won't magically turn me into an NT. Just saying, before someone offers me this advice. But the thread is not about drugs, it is about how you feel about being shy or socially phobic. How do you feel about it? Does it make you feel a bit fed up sometimes? Like when everyone's talking at work and you're too shy to join in, etc?

My key to overcoming anxiety is to handle it in small bite sized chunks, heck, you can make the chunks as small as you like, assuming you're not running against the clock. I can remember being nervous to visit the local grocery store all by myself (I was 22 years old, but I had never done something like that in my entire life, visit a local store on my own, seems like such a menial task... I tackled several road tests with conquerable anxiety though, months later). Anyway, what I did was take each stride to the grocery store one at a time. When I reached the store entrance I just walked on past it, then back. I sort of relaxed outside of it, and then suddenly without much thought felt an urge to go in, everything went fine of course, as it always does with these things. After all it's not about the threat of danger, it's about overcoming a discomfort.

Now, if you want to make yourself more social.. sorry you will probably never be able to do that, if you are predisposed from birth to derive energy from solitude, oh woe is you, listen just learn to enjoy it, because, well, there isn't much you can do about that without wearing a mask, and you will tire of that, and really, enjoying my own company, and just pondering about whatever is exciting and fulfilling to me. But.. I think there is a way that will allow you to speak your mind more often. Just master the art of a well fortified vocabulary, and articulate yet conventional speech patterns, trust me, I did this and now I never dread speaking out when I have something to share. If you really have autistic tendencies, then you already have the capacity to do this, just exercise the ability by making a consistent attempt to aspire to it, even if it's in solitude. This is what will bring you your confidence, because confidence is not given to those who just magically believe in it, you have to make yourself able and show yourself you're capable.

Sorry but that is totally untrue. If you really want to improve your social skills and prepared to make the effort, you CAN learn. The key is to look at socially successful people, study what it is they do that makes them strong socially, and put the skills and conversation techniques they use into practice. Sure some of us need more time alone to get our energy, but like with any kind of excersize, the more we build up our social 'muscles' the longer we can socialise for and the less tired we get.

Learning the skills that socially savvy people apply is not about changing your personality. You don't need to copy anyone, but rather see what you can learn from others and think about how you could apply things in a way that is congruent with your own persona. Also keep a written record of your social interactions, so if things go wrong, you can identify what went wrong and you can think about how you can do better next time, Also make sure record anything that goes well too!

Last Saturday night I was out at a social function and a woman I met asked me to come along just me and her to another pub with her and bought me a drink! This would never have happened a few years ago - and its all because of the natural social skills I have learnt and practiced. You can do the same and succeed socially!

Pretty much been fed up for half my life-time? I feel like there's many things a NT socially anxious person can do to overcome and get out there. But a socially anxious with aspergers is rather a double edged sword which is something I've lived with since I was 8. Socially I will get really scard when people ask me to do something but hey I have a legitamite reason for being scard, a lot of people dont realize it. You stay quiet, your damned, you try to act social, your damned.



I really dont recommend this for anyone who is socially anxious because your just gonna sit there and fixate over your mistakes EVEN MORE .....From my experiance, my brain naturally beats the social situations to death as it is, I dont need a written record of it or else I am going to just sit, read and cry. Part of having social anxiety is being overly self-conscious and anxious about social situations. If your an aspie whos looking to improve socially but has thick skin with not much anxiety and social obsessiveness then this method might work.

I'm not saying that you can't improve your social skills, I'm saying that you can't change your inherent preferences. If you find it exhausting to be around people for too long, you won't suddenly gain more energy from any kind of practice. I'm sorry if I was unclear, it just goes to show, don't go using unusual words or phrases if you decide to improve your social skills, most people won't understand you as easily.

All I can do is to smile and shake their hands. After that I'm pretty much blank. I can't read the cues, mysphonia doesn't make things easier. Speaking soft and unclear is also not helping. If I see people sitting around a table having a laugh, I cannot see myself talking to them. Nothing comes to mind. by the time I think I can join the conversation with something of value to add or in the flow of the conversation, they are already done talking. or they just see my topic as unrelated. (perhaps because I have given it too much thought and they cannot link it with their current conversation).

That's absolutely reasonable. If you know that you're bad at social interaction, it's a good idea to avoid critical situations.
Just don't let it become a vicious cycle, and always question your fears. Some fears are good. Otherwise, humans wouldn't have them.


I agree with your reasoning, but I think your assumption is false.
Many Aspies seem to have a need for social interaction; they just can't fulfill it.
That includes myself and apparently also the OP.
As I can only speak about myself: Yes, it's exhausting. But I force myself, because I'd be unhappy otherwise. And practice does help.