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Tufted Titmouse
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20 Feb 2013, 8:22 pm

Everyone I meet always thinks I'm using them, when in reality I don't know how to be a friend. So I'll talk to people when I have a "reason" to but never just to talk, like I won't start conversations without a pragmatic reason. However, in my mind, I feel like they are using me more so, and I do not mean to use them! I just want to be friends with people, and I don't know how, or when they like me, or what to say and stuff.
Also, my teachers and everyone hates me because of this. They think I'm lying. I can't small talk, and if I ask for something basic it's rude.
Does anyone else have this problem? How can I even show people I care more and be a selfless friend instead of coming off as selfish/manipulative?



Cacao
Tufted Titmouse
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20 Feb 2013, 8:34 pm

I never got friends using small talk. I got friends other way.

Yes. I had same problems and still have. More importantly I am good at communicating, but I lack the understanding that other people have.

No I never agonies over this, but a lot of people made fun of me.

Try to improve on your talking skills. Maybe saying something positive.



AdamAutistic
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20 Feb 2013, 8:50 pm

i also used to be like this. somehow i learned to say random things about my self, like stuff i like. it is real good at starting conversations.


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TGH
Tufted Titmouse
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20 Feb 2013, 8:51 pm

Well it sound like you know what you're doing wrong, but I could be wrong. Anyway, it's right there in your post! You only talk to people when you have a 'pragmatic reason'. If you really want to be a selfless friend then don't try to make friends so you can feel like you have friends- you need to want to be close to people, and respect them! Also don't only talk to people to ask them for things- talk to them because you find them interesting. I know it can be hard but you need to have a genuine interest in someone and not just find yourself interested in what they can give you. That's basically the definition of being a selfish friend.

Just my opinion! I'd love to hear more about what you're going through and why you feel like this, since there's not much to go on.


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Tufted Titmouse
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20 Feb 2013, 10:44 pm

AdamAutistic wrote:
i also used to be like this. somehow i learned to say random things about my self, like stuff i like. it is real good at starting conversations.

yeah, i just feel like i talk about myself too much when i do that. like i go on and on with unrelated comments and find it hard to keep the other person talking...it's hard.

TGH wrote:
Well it sound like you know what you're doing wrong, but I could be wrong. Anyway, it's right there in your post! You only talk to people when you have a 'pragmatic reason'. If you really want to be a selfless friend then don't try to make friends so you can feel like you have friends- you need to want to be close to people, and respect them! Also don't only talk to people to ask them for things- talk to them because you find them interesting. I know it can be hard but you need to have a genuine interest in someone and not just find yourself interested in what they can give you. That's basically the definition of being a selfish friend.

Just my opinion! I'd love to hear more about what you're going through and why you feel like this, since there's not much to go on.


That's a good point. I look beyond obvious things. Also, it's not that I don't find them interesting, it's like I feel like I need a reason, so I would make one up to talk to them occasionally. But you're right. I feel like this because all my friendships fail so hard and it's definitely on my end. Like they aren't aware that I care about them even though I do, I don't know how to show I"m really interested, and I'm so bad at empathizing sometimes I come off as a huge jerk unless they explain. After class, I don't feel right starting talking to people and also people have accused me of faking/lying. So, I'm wary and I'm not sure when people like me or not.
I didn't understand what was going on before because of the body language communication. Now I know it's like there's a boundary between me and people. Like I dunno what separates us how to connect. This might be really vague, I dunno whatit is?



Redstar2613
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20 Feb 2013, 10:51 pm

You could try telling them why you're having all this trouble. Some people wont be nice about it but if you think you could be friends with someone, try tell them. All of my friends know I have Asperger's and they don't care. I also found that once I started making friends, it was a bit easier to make more. Like everything, you get better at it the more you do it. I'm never going to actually be good at it but I know the basics, even if I don't always understand them.

As for small talk, I can't stand it but after a while, I realized I just have to repeat the myself, pretty much.
"Hey"
"Hi"
"How are you?"
"Pretty good, yourself?"
"Yeah, not bad, thanks"

Yep, that's the most common conversation people have. And the most boring and usually pointless. People hardly ever tell the truth, or even care how you are, it's like a formality to them. Anyway...
I usually try to use different words with a similar meaning but don't say something like "great" because then the other person might ask why you're feeling great, because they think there could be an interesting story behind it.
From here, if you know you have something in common, talk about it, especially before they bring up something else that might destroy the conversation. I've become friends with people that I don't have much in common with because we have one or a few things in common and sometimes that's enough, because even though we don't like a lot of the same things, we still like each others personality.

Like you, I don't talk to my friends unless there is a reason. Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm using them. But if they're really my friends, I think they'd understand. I have to understand things about them that seem wrong, so a real friend would try to do the same. Still, I guess it's important to stay in contact a bit, at least.

As for the selfish and manipulative assumptions others get about you... you could offer to help out people more often, or if someone is talking about wanting to play a game or watch a movie that you have, tell them they can borrow it if they want. Seeing and talking to friends more often will help, perhaps over facebook. I find 'talking' to people online so much easier. I guess you'd have to be friends before you ask to add them. On the other hand, if you already know each other and they seem friendly towards you, maybe asking if you can add them will be a sign of friendship and BAM, new friend.



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Tufted Titmouse
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21 Feb 2013, 11:48 pm

Redstar2613 wrote:
You could try telling them why you're having all this trouble. Some people wont be nice about it but if you think you could be friends with someone, try tell them. All of my friends know I have Asperger's and they don't care. I also found that once I started making friends, it was a bit easier to make more. Like everything, you get better at it the more you do it. I'm never going to actually be good at it but I know the basics, even if I don't always understand them.

As for small talk, I can't stand it but after a while, I realized I just have to repeat the myself, pretty much.
"Hey"
"Hi"
"How are you?"
"Pretty good, yourself?"
"Yeah, not bad, thanks"

Yep, that's the most common conversation people have. And the most boring and usually pointless. People hardly ever tell the truth, or even care how you are, it's like a formality to them. Anyway...
I usually try to use different words with a similar meaning but don't say something like "great" because then the other person might ask why you're feeling great, because they think there could be an interesting story behind it.
From here, if you know you have something in common, talk about it, especially before they bring up something else that might destroy the conversation. I've become friends with people that I don't have much in common with because we have one or a few things in common and sometimes that's enough, because even though we don't like a lot of the same things, we still like each others personality.

Like you, I don't talk to my friends unless there is a reason. Sometimes I wonder if they think I'm using them. But if they're really my friends, I think they'd understand. I have to understand things about them that seem wrong, so a real friend would try to do the same. Still, I guess it's important to stay in contact a bit, at least.

As for the selfish and manipulative assumptions others get about you... you could offer to help out people more often, or if someone is talking about wanting to play a game or watch a movie that you have, tell them they can borrow it if they want. Seeing and talking to friends more often will help, perhaps over facebook. I find 'talking' to people online so much easier. I guess you'd have to be friends before you ask to add them. On the other hand, if you already know each other and they seem friendly towards you, maybe asking if you can add them will be a sign of friendship and BAM, new friend.


You make it sound easy. I find it hard to do it online, not talk but talk normally, and get people to talk about themselves.... like I say 'I' too much... I don't even want to it's just a reflex that I have nothing to say. That's more my problem than the small talk. sometimes I forget to start with small talk but like, it's more after that I'm doomed into being selfish and annoying. and i do care. I love listening. i just don't know how to react and show that interest. yeah.