I wasn't supposed to be here.

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mattarga
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21 Feb 2013, 11:47 pm

Right now, I feel like God made a mistake. I wasn't supposed to be here. As a matter of fact, both me and my mother died in childbirth and the staff brought us back. I wish they hadn't. God made a huge mistake and he made junk, I hate to say. I won't ever understand why he let me live, to go through life feeling constant emotional pain. I can't take much more; something has got to give at some point, I just wish I knew what he was waiting for!! !


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ezbzbfcg2
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22 Feb 2013, 12:34 am

I don't want to patronize you and tell you you're special and have a purpose, because that's a generic answer that seems to accompany posts like this on other sites.

But I will tell you this, and I think it can help if you think about it.

Instead of comparing yourself to those with "normal" and successful lives, do this:

Say, "A normal life is not and never will be in the cards for me. For better or for worse, it's never gonna happen. It's not a good thing or a bad thing, it just is. It's not an option"

I think much of your unhappiness comes from seeing what you can't be. Once you accept that you'll never be that, and it's not your fault, you can then see all of the other things you're not:

--I'm not dead.
--I'm not incapacitated.
--I'm not inarticulate.

Sure, it could have been better, but that was never an option...so why even compare yourself to them. Just think of how worse it could have been.



2wheels4ever
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22 Feb 2013, 1:25 am

You're here because the Story is not finished and you can't be the one to finish it, only God can. I know this much because I was born under similar circumstances. Part of our purpose, and challenge here, is to share our past with others to inspire and encourage others. If anything at all, the Takeaway here is that God is NOT the source of the troubling thoughts you've been having, but rather the Fallen one. This is all to make your testimony more powerful, don't let yourself get derailed by momentary affliction


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Pabalebo
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22 Feb 2013, 1:34 am

I don't believe in God... but the universe doesn't make junk. As far as never having a normal life... just giving up... that's f*****g BS. I couldn't talk until I was nearly five, and until I was seven, I f*****g BIT other kids on the playground as a form of saying "Hi"! Today, at nearly age 22, I'm a highly respected professor's assistant, collegiate cross country runner, and president of the local track & field club. Yes, I'm still a bit stunted in romantic relationships, but social relationships are going amazingly well for me. Keep in mind that I f*****g BIT MY CLASSMATES UNTIL HALFWAY THROUGH SECOND GRADE TO SAY HI. I was in special ed until 10th grade. Now, I teach people atmospheric thermodynamics, calculus, and advanced physics for a living. Impossible is nothing.


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rabbittss
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22 Feb 2013, 2:52 am

I want you to do me a huge favor please, get a hold of the movie 'Jeff, Who lives at home' and watch it..



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22 Feb 2013, 3:26 am

Well, you are. Same as the rest of us.

Do something you like, and do that as much as you can. If you can't find something you like/something to enjoy, that's usually called depression; which is an illness and there's treatment for that.

If it's the challenge of living disabled, well, blessed are those who struggle and all that.



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22 Feb 2013, 8:16 am

Man, *hit happens all the time and there's not necessarily and rhyme or reason to it, it just happens. I understand the feeling of 'why me?' and missing the the mental normacy you don't have. But remember, while that grief is normal and also will happen, it is counterproductive after a certain point. Its about coming to terms with who you are and making the best of it.



kirayng
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22 Feb 2013, 9:39 am

I completely understand. I don't have any answers but just wanted to let you know you're not alone. If I could shake the pain or heal it or whatever I'm supposed to do with it, and put on a happy face, I wouldn't do some of the things I do. ((Gentle hugs))



mattarga
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22 Feb 2013, 9:46 am

Thank you all. :) I just read a,ll of your responses and I was actually crying, you guys are the best. I know where I will come for support online when I need it, I needed to hear all of these thoughts, please keep them coming; I will reread them and take them to heart. Thank you.


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rabbittss
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23 Feb 2013, 1:55 am

mattarga wrote:
Thank you all. :) I just read a,ll of your responses and I was actually crying, you guys are the best. I know where I will come for support online when I need it, I needed to hear all of these thoughts, please keep them coming; I will reread them and take them to heart. Thank you.


See, I think EVERYONE is here for a reason.. it may not be obviously apparent.. but I think everyone exists for a reason. Yes, some people may live their entire lives sad and lonely just as some may live their whole lives cold and hungry.. that's reality.. but I don't believe anyone is put here just because.

I don't know what part of the cosmic harmony you will play, what note you will accentuate, anymore than I know my own role in the same scheme.. but I do know we are integral to it. Without us will be discord and disharmony.. it will recover and move forward sure.. but it will be richer if we are there when our time comes to chime in our single note..



chrissyrun
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23 Feb 2013, 1:55 pm

I know that feeling. Kind of.

I feel like I should die all the time. But then I think about dying and death and I am afraid.

I shouldn't be alive, I should be incapacitated. I should be a brain in a jar, floating around through meaningless existence.

I have felt special. I have been complimented. I have been told I can do anything. I have "friends" (online mostly). I have done the unbelievable and had romances (just because I'm aspie doesn't mean I don't have a vagina and boobs). I have somehow SOMEHOW maintained my scholarship up until this point. I have made artwork. I USED TO win awards for being good at things. I USED TO run races and run all the time. I USED TO be friendly and fearless. I USED TO go to church regularly. I have been vegetarian and people think that is so freaking cool. I have technically overcome a depressive period in 7th grade.

But guess what. I am on the brink. Every day is a blank canvas being painted over with more pain. Just when I get excited for all the things I can do and all the luck I have...it is snatched away. I am reminded that I can't be smart, I am getting bad grades for the first time in my life. I am reminded that I have a romance dying and at any moment I can be a completely emotionally immature jerk to him without trying and break down crying. I am reminded that I am out of shape and that food is the enemy despite SOMEHOW maintaining my weight at 140 (at f-ing 5'7"). I am reminded that other girls are skinnier. I am reminded that I am a slacker. I am lazy. I am dirty and disgusting. I am a heathen. I am not popular. I am not even talented. I BARELY make the mark for having talent in one area....and not even by much.

I am inadequate.

I shouldn't be alive.

I should just grow up and do better. Ask the right people for help. Submit. Trust. Work.

I'm tired of it. I want whatever I had a year ago back. At least then I was happy.


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