Aspie traits ruining all my chances.

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balletnerd
Snowy Owl
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28 Feb 2013, 4:31 am

I've blown it with the guy I was dating. I don't know how or why - he won't tell me but he's stopped calling me or texting me now. I don;t understand it it wasn;t like I was bombarding him with texts or writing out a whole years diary worth of dates, planning our wedding or anything. I thought we had fun. guys only want to befriend me to talk about sci-fi or other nerdy stuff; or they just want to sleep with me. None of them want to have a relationship with me. As Im bi I have tried lesbian sites but most dont like bi women and i can understand why. The bi women who have hit on me just trying to get someone for a threesome with their male partner. I dont like those sorts of arrangements.

My friends treid to comfort me said I was pretty and a nice person. That is no comfort to me. I think they over flatter me about my looks anyway and even if that were true it has been of no benefit to me. I see a lot of ugly people who are in relationships and are happy.

I am destined to be alone cos I'm too odd and the smart, shy guys I like I never attracted to me :-(



The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Feb 2013, 4:35 am

Maybe he's testing you? Was he always the one who initiated everything?



Ilka
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28 Feb 2013, 6:35 am

Why do you blame yourself? There are 2 parts in a relationship, and if he is the one who stopped communication I find it hard to believe it was you. I would say it was im. Maybe he was just playing with you or found someone else. Relationships are hard. Dont feel it is because you are an Aspie. Relationships are hard for everybody. I am NT and I dated A LOT before meeting my Aspie husband. Maybe you are just looking n the wrong places: looking for one specific type of person (a set of characteristics). We women do that a lot and always end up with the same kind of guy... and then wonder why it never works. Try to shake your expectations a little and frequent different places. I am convinced love will find us eventually. Just give it time and have fun in the process :)



aspiesandra27
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28 Feb 2013, 6:57 am

Were there any arguments that led to this?

Could anything have happened to him?

How long had you been dating for?



balletnerd
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28 Feb 2013, 1:56 pm

Hi Mr Boo,

The way it was - I decided I liked him so I was just always hanging around trying to find excuses to talk to him or help him with something. As I am used to having to be the one to do the approaching, I was trying to psyche myself up for ages to ask him for a date - more or less as soon as I felt ready he surprised me by asking first instead. and then there wasnt much communication leading up to the first date, but it happened and it was nice and he sent me a nice text the day after and then I sent a short text back saying i was looking forward to seeing him again.

Now nothing. Nothing at all. I just wonder how I have managed to even be in three previous relationships (two under a year, the other a lot longer). I always seemed to be jinxed at second dates and thats why I blame it my aspie traits.

I'm not sure about the "testing" thing. You appear to be a scholar of NT dating rituals, so perhaps you could enlighten me on what tests NT men typically do and the rationale for them. I don't understand most NT rituals they seem illogical to me.

------

Hi Ilka

Quote:
Relationships are hard for everybody
That may be the case, but I believe they present an additional set of challenges to people on the spectrum.

Quote:
Maybe you are just looking n the wrong places:
Certainly looking online led to the worst dating experiences by a long shot. For an aspie, I suppose I am relatively social and I go running, dancing, business meetings, cultural festivals and meditation classes, psychology and nutrition qualifications part-time, so I am not entirely sure where else I am meant to look.

Quote:
looking for one specific type of person (a set of characteristics).

I am not at all fussy about height and have dated men shorter than me. I do not require conventional physical beauty although I do draw the line at obese people. I am a UK size 6 (US 2) and the physical possibilities involved in such a relationship horrify me. I do not require great personal wealth or status - if he has enough money not to be always borrowing off me that suffices. I can pay my own way. I do not require to be looked after financially.

Two main things I require are these:
1) He must be no more than 5/6 years older than me (I am 37). I forced myself to go out on dates with men in their mid to late 40s and 50s and it was horrible. I felt no attraction whatsoever and cannot imagine ever finding an older man attractive. One of them tried to grab me and kiss me after a date - I screamed and punched him in the face. Also I find that the older they get, generally although I contend there may be exceptions, the shallower and more dull their range of interests get. I am also quite immature for my age so its like dating my dad but without the element of incest. I have a large revolving door of special interests and I like my dates to enjoy depth of conversation on a range of subjects - after all I require that standard of my friends and I have quite a few friends.

2) Speaking of depth of conversation I require someone with at least a superior level of intellect preferably with the education to support this. Despite being dyslexic, my IQ is in the 99th percentile and whilst i do not look down on people with lower intelligences, scientific research has repeatedly demonstrated that similarity in intelligence level is extremely important in a match. Additionally I am unable to be sexually attracted to someone I cannot have an intelligent conversation. I understand this limits my potential pool significantly but I accept this.

I also have a strong preference for introverted personalities. This matters less for friends becuase you spend less time with them but I imagine it would be very draining to have to spend most days or even everyday with an extrovert. This is not as important as the other two traits I have described but it would be a significant irritant.

Also I have also been in a relationship with a woman previously. So I don't even necessarily restrict by gender although I am generally more attracted to males than females.

Quote:
We women do that a lot and always end up with the same kind of guy.


*sigh* I appreciate your demonstration of camaraderie, but my problem is that I am not the average woman you are thinking of. I am unable to flirt, or read such signals with any degree of reliability. I observe (as a generality - I do not wish this to characterise ALL NT women as this would be false and potentially offensive to some) NT women are skilled in the arts of flirtation, coquettry and light anecdotal conversation that delights the majority of men as I understand such exercises are their to enchant their egos. I am unable to successfully participate in or fully understand these rituals.
This is why, I believe, they dont call back.

Quote:
always end up with the same kind of guy.
Are there really no smart, shy guys of my age bracket who don't cheat or flake out? Perhaps not then...

Quote:
I am convinced love will find us eventually.
I am unconvinced of the validity of fate theories, but I believe its also an NT convention of speech indicating that you believe the probabilities are still in my favour. I disagree with that as well, but I am grateful and appreciative nonetheless for the positive sentiment.

------------

Hi aspiesandra27,

Quote:
Were there any arguments that led to this?

Could anything have happened to him?

How long had you been dating for?


See above. Not even second date. At a lame attempt at humour I would hypothesis being abducted by aliens and having his brain wiped could be a possibility. In all seriousness, I don't know.

I think I should just give up dating entirely. Temple Grandin seems happy on her own. Maybe I can learn to be the same.



JanuaryMan
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28 Feb 2013, 2:08 pm

Maybe he's just not into you that way. Cos he was nice doesn't mean he was. By the sounds of things you initiated, so he thought he'd see what a date would be like and while he had a good time he didn't feel chemistry. It happens, unfortunately. Hope you find someone else that feels the same way back :)



balletnerd
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28 Feb 2013, 2:17 pm

Yeah - maybe not.

I should have a new tagline - Balletnerd the Datekiller. I dream of waking up NT just so I could see what it is like to have fun on dates, have a non stop pick of suitable men, enjoying the apple basket as someone put it. The logical thing for me to do, given my probability of ever finding love again is minute, it to stop hoping and get used to being on my own for the rest of my life.



The_Face_of_Boo
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28 Feb 2013, 2:17 pm

Uhm, you know what?


Go ahead and you ask him out this time ; see what he'll respond.

Don't chicken out, do it, that's the only way to know for sure.

DO IT.



JanuaryMan
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28 Feb 2013, 2:19 pm

If it's any consolation I don't think being an Aspie is setting you back you just aren't finding any guys that are a good match for you.
Maybe ask this guy out though like Boo said if your eally like this guy. You never know til you try!



Stargazer43
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28 Feb 2013, 2:26 pm

Lie Boo said I'd recommend trying to contact him and maybe ask him on a second date. It sounds like the two of you may be in a standoff, both wanting the other to initiate contact but both hesitant to do so. Of course he may no longer be in to you, but only one way to find out right? :D



balletnerd
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28 Feb 2013, 2:28 pm

OK. I will do this tomorrow when my mood has improved.

I figure that considering that I have already written this off as an abject failure, any outright rejection would just confirm this rather than adding to my indignities as such.

I have ordered some Chicken Tikka Masala and a large tub of ice cream, and I will sign off shortly so that I can watch Doctor Who and the Tomb of the Cybermen episode. I wish I had someone to do those sorts of things with :-(



BlueMax
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28 Feb 2013, 2:28 pm

Question (feel free to not answer) but did you go all the way on the first date? If that was all he wanted, be may have moved on to "other conquests"...

Pure speculation, of course.



balletnerd
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28 Feb 2013, 2:32 pm

Hi Bluemax, no I did not. It was a lunch date and we went to look at some artwork.

It is generally considered inadvisable to sleep with someone on the first date and there is a lot of supportive testimony to that effect, but I did that with two out of three of my exs!



Stalk
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28 Feb 2013, 5:50 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Uhm, you know what?


Go ahead and you ask him out this time ; see what he'll respond.

Don't chicken out, do it, that's the only way to know for sure.

DO IT.


[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra70O9nps6E[/youtube]



balletnerd
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02 Mar 2013, 7:55 am

yesterday was very strange.

i was very nervous and spent all day trying to psyche myself up to talk to him couldnt manage it and then went out with a few friends later that evening and tried to forget about him. he turned up and I had not expected it and I felt a bit upset and slightly jealous that he was talking to another older woman for most the evening. Another guy got really drunk and was trying to hit on me which was weird and wrong becuase he is married, but that seemed to attract the other guy's attention he came over and put his arm round me.

he walked me back to the bus station a bit later he said I was awesome and kissed me goodnight as in proper kiss. but i am still confused as we havent yet set a second date. I thought maybe i should try asking on monday.

this didnt used to be a problem with my previous relationships arranging follow up dates, but i guess part of the problem is i am more nervous around him than i had been with my exs and i had been used to doing most of the initiating.

all my exs have been NTs. I wonder if he is another aspie and that is why we are having problems becuase may be he cant read me either. Anyone else in aspie/aspie relationship with those issues?



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