Hi, I'm new! Yadda

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So.. last night I came across a few tests and realized I am most likely autistic.

Your Aspie score: 176 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 33 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie
AQ Test: 41/50

I've always known I had a slight case of aspergers or something.
I had already been diagnosed with:
OCD (Obsessive mostly)
ADHD (hyper-focused)
Severe and recurrent major depressive disorder
Asocial personality disorder
self-diagnosed "addictive personality" (substance abuse)

I figured that was the end of it, but it felt like there was still something underlying it all that I just couldn't put my finger on.

With everything out on the table, I'm not really sure what there is for me to gain from this community. I've lost all the friends I've had in my life (although not that many) due to various combinations of the above disorders, and my overall social inabilities.

I'm 23 years old and I have had three 'serious' relationships, all of which have failed whenever I had some kind of meltdown. The meltdowns have always been related to my social anxieties, either leading to jealousies or, more recently, my seeming inability to get a job due to fear of forced socialization - and fear of expressing myself due to past rejections of my "true self"

I'm starting school again in the Spring (hoping I don't have another episode that leads me to drop out, again) - and I'm currently studying Math, although I am contemplating a switch to Philosophy/Psych/Education etc.. as I would like to change the education system.

Clearly with my 'specialties' growing up, teachers did not know how to handle me.. I was bullied incessantly and tested for all kinds of things. But they thought I was fine because I was doing well in school. I would get 90-100% in everything without so much as lifting a finger up until Grade 12.

I suppose my main problem at the moment is whether I should use this gift I was given (Mathematical talents) and pursue a degree in that, work some job for a lot of money and just try to find a way to be happy - or take the harder route and actually work through school like others and feel as though I would be accomplishing something of real value in the world.

And I guess I will be reading through the "relationships" section a lot too. Very recently I lost a girl that meant a lot to me, mostly due to all of this behavior which I couldn't understand at the time. I was finding it nearly impossible to express my emotions, be myself, and I think I lost something great.

Some things of specific concern for me are the feelings of inadequacy, feeling as though because I'm not a social butterfly, and I can be very emotional, that women (and men seeking friends) will not be attracted to me.
I've mistakenly labelled my emotional outbursts as "feminine", thinking that a "real man" doesn't get this way - but my father died when I was 5 years old so I have little experience in this realm. I did have some close male friends, but these things never came up.

I have had a very difficult time trusting women in relationships, due to the very bad reactions I've had during my 'meltdowns', whether they be depressive or just short bursts of what I'll call insanity for lack of a better word. I recently did try to open up, and let someone in, and it scared the living hell out of me - I turned into an emotional wreck, needing constant reassurance and literal feedback, I can't read between the lines.. and I'm always expecting something bad to happen. I'm not sure if this is what turned her away, I can't expect her to shoulder that burden anyway, or if it was just time constraints as she is working full time and taking correspondence courses. She did try to explain it to me, but I usually never understand... but at the very least she is being supportive about this, and showed me these boards, so I hope something good comes out of this.

I'm sure there's more but this is long enough and I can't think of anything else right now.

Last edited by uwmonkdm on 06 Mar 2013, 1:55 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Welcome

Greetings and welcome to the Wrong Planet.

You're taking a huge first step in posting so much about yourself and being so open in your welcome post. I know it's "just the internet," but I still commend you for it.

Hi! I'm Catie. I'm not necessarily new, but I've never posted around the forums until this week. So maybe that makes me new-ish. I don't know...

It's nice to meet you.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Thanks, I figured there's no point hiding here.. and something helpful may come out of just spilling my guts on the floor

Cathartic experiences and what not.

If it helps, I read your whole post, and I don't think there's anything wrong with the meltdowns you've had. If you really do have AS -- along with the other disorders you have -- it makes sense for you to have meltdowns, and there's nothing feminine about them. Also, I'm NT, and reading your post didn't send me running for the hills. We all have our issues. I hope you feel comfortable here. : )

I think the largest problem was that I was having these meltdowns but I didn't understand why, and in some cases even blamed the girl (they were no princesses themselves). In a way their reactions did add fuel to the fire, but seeing it from their perspective I can see how I would just seem like an emotional wreck/depressed/lazy etc.
My longest relationship though, I know that the breakdowns were reactions to her behavior, I had no freaking clue how to react and to this day it has messed up my already confused "sensors" or whatever with women.

I'm not sure what NT is ? Edit: Nevermind, derp.

Well that makes sense. And if you understand a bit better what was setting off the meltdowns, that's even better.

Welcome to Wrong Planet!

Welcome uwmonkdm