poo/hygeine issues, at wits end

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That's tricky, because the school might use the toileting issue to push her into the autism school rather than paying for an aide in general ed. Make sure you visit the autism school well ahead of the IEP meeting, and I'd highly recommend using an advocate to help you get the placement you think is best.

This is a very tricky issue to solve. Even in the regular school system, in the "gifted" classes, I was usually bored. On the other hand, the regular school system wasn't a great fit for me either. Yes, to be fair, this was before autism was understood very well - but even my vision issues, which were simple enough, weren't something they seemed willing or able to accommodate. Someone actually came out to my high school from the state Commission for the Blind to help me deal with one issue - and, after talking to them, reluctantly advised me to give up. He wasn't happy offering that advice, but his reasoning was that by the time I managed to fight my way through the legal process, I'd have graduated...

I'd certainly say it wouldn't hurt to look into the school for kids with autism, to see what they seem to be like, but I'd also say you don't want to allow the school system to push you into that decision. What makes it more complicated is the fact that the individual teachers make even more difference than the system they work for. I was stuck in a horrible school system - but I still had some good, creative teachers who managed to mitigate some of the damage the rest of the system did. And I've heard of teachers entrenched even in good systems who are positively toxic. Add to that the fact that I think the interaction of individual personalities makes a certain amount of difference to any student, and much more so for us, and it really isn't easy to say which choice might be better.

Sorry, I wish I could offer you a clearer answer. I absolutely hate to think of your daughter, or anyone else, going through even a tenth of what I had to fight against. But the way the system is set up, to assume all kids with a certain label are alike, while it may make for an efficient system, leaves someone like your daughter stuck between two options neither of which is likely to be a good fit. I'm not saying this to depress you - at least if you're aware of the issue and the stress it is likely to put on her, you have a chance of doing something to help her deal with it all.