Is anyone else not proud of who they are?

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One thing I've always noticed that many people on here embrace their condition and are proud of who they are. Strangely, I am not among that group. I can't be proud of myself when I have this inherent feeling of inferiority. Whether that's a product of society or not, I still feel the way I feel. I mean sure I can tell you the history of Nintendo off the top of my head, but with how much it's hindered my life, I can't really say I like having what I have. I've yet to come into contact with anyone else who feels as pessimistic about being on the spectrum as I do. I'm not one to just sit around, cry, and feel sorry for myself, but there is a cause (aspergers) and there is an effect (hinderence of every aspect of my life). Should I feel this way? I am only nineteen years old and the one thing I ponder is whether this state of mind is like the Keynesian school of economics, completely unstable.

I guess people are trying to be positive and not dwell on the negative.

But your right having Aspergers sucks and I am almost 39.

You just have to get on with it and not put yourself down.

What's improved in your life over the last twenty years if you don't mind me asking?

I'm not proud of who I am because I don't feel like myself. How can I be proud of who I am when I am forced to be who I am by my brain.

I am a people person who isn't good with people. I enjoy interacting with people and I want to connect and understand them. That's who I am but it's who I am not. I'm not the best at interacting with people. I've compensated because I care about it. I'm still not a people person because I'm not naturally good at interacting with them. I'm a people person because I value it. Therefore I am a people person but I am not a people person.

I have talents that aren't mine. I don't care about numbers but I have a natural talent for math. Where did this come from? It's clearly not mine. I don't even care about it. I'm not a mathematical person yet I have the talent of a mathematical person who I am not. I'm not a mathematical person. That's my real self. I am a mathematical person. That's the self my brain forces me to be.

I care about altered states a lot which makes it feel terrible to be nearly unhypnotisable. One of the most devastating things in my life is to be trapped in the same state with my only break coming from sleep.

How can I be proud of myself when I am nothing like me? How can I like who I am when I am a foreigner that I disagree with on pretty much everything. I have nothing in common with myself. I am trapped and controlled by my brain but this person that I am is not who I am.

I can't be proud of myself when I don't identify with myself. The only way I could feel like myself is if my personality were changed and I were someone else. If I'm not myself I can't be proud of myself. That's the answer to the title question. I am not proud of who I am.

You didn't ask this of me but I'll answer anyway. In the last 20 years I've gotten better at understanding unspoken social rules. Not enough to be "normal" but enough to be socially acceptable. Which is satisfying in a way. I've also figured out that most people are totally weird or nuts in some way and I'm actually not as odd as I think I am. Also, regarding how sad you feel that you're not "normal": this morning on the walk to work I thought about how my teen years were pretty abnormal. I wasn't a child soldier or a prostitute or anything, but I didn't live with my family and I went away to school when I was 15. I didn't get to forge friendships while cruising around town in beat up hoopties or go to house parties or get stoned. The thing is, almost everyone I know IRL had THAT adolescence. Part of my thinking-while-walking was along the lines of "what do I have to offer" and one of the things I have to offer is a deeper and wider understanding and acceptance of the abnormal, the kink and the weird. I absolutely never mean any harm, and I think that surprises people and takes a while for them to accept. I give compliments because I mean them and not because I want something back. I can simultaneously really like someone and also know that they've broken into my home and/or stalked me. (It's happened a couple of times.) People have things going on. All this pretending to be normal stresses EVERYONE out.
What I actually really LIKE about other people is generally the cracks I can see in the perfection or the full-on crazy shining through. I mean, what's wrong with accepting and enjoying yourself and other people? Otherwise we're all crammed into these uptight boxes.

eta: Granted, I'm apparently at my halfway point, life-wise (I'm closing on 40), so I don't have to contend with that feeling that EVERYTHING IS SO IMPORTANT that we humans generally seem to have from 12ish - 24ish years of age. It gets better. Just ride it out.

It's not that I'm proud of my condition, but I'm proud of everything I have been able to accomplish despite my condition. I have come to terms with who I am because I've realized that the world cannot thrive without diversity, and what we need to learn as a society is to find a way to incorporate everyone into the system, making them worthy. I think that my differences give me an ability to understand a segment of population (autistic people) better than anyone who doesn't have the condition can. This, combined with some other abilities that I have, makes me uniquely suited for revealing to others a different way of thinking about and seeing the world. That being said, I acknowledge that many aspects of my life are much more difficult to navigate due to my condition, but I've come up with ways to get around many of these difficulties (often spending a lot of money on them, though).

You didn't ask me, either, but:

1) Incorporating several different treatments to deal with everything that's different about me. Some of them have been particularly effective at changing...

2) ...my perspective. That's the biggest difference. You're looking at AS through s**t coloured glasses and hating it, of course when you view anything with that sort of paradigm you're not going to like anything about it & are going to find all of the negatives you can. Figure out what brings you inner mental balance via whatever treatments work for you and your mind is clearer, less depressed & anxious, more realistic & even positive. View AS through that lens and all of the sudden you're alright with being different & start to acknowledge all of the benefits of AS in the traits you have, the skills and abilities and strengths you have etc.. meanwhile absolutely nothing concrete has changed - only your perspective of the same things that have always existed.

Despite a cultural love in Western nations of denigrating those who do not achieve as much as others no matter how hard they try, I do not feel inferior. I have achieved things I am proud of and I value the way I look at the world even though it causes me problems at times.

I can't say I'm not proud of my condition. All I did was be born with it. That's not much of an accomplishment on my side.
I'm content with myself, and I have never felt inferior.

They say that the more intelligent you are, the better able you are to overcome the limitations of autism. Oh boy, you sure are articulate and intelligent!

I just hate on people that is all. I can not hate my self.

Thank you.

I feel proud of who I am in some environments but not others.

When I feel safe and secure at home I feel good about myself but when out mixing with the rest of the world I often feel very insecure and inferior but I realise that this is me internalising the opinions of others and not the real me.

So my feelings about myself are affected a lot by how the people I interact with treat me - I don't have a very stable sense of self.

If I factor in that it's harder to get respect from others when you have autism/are different ie that it makes life a constant uphill struggle, I can feel proud of myself for taking on the battle and not giving up.

The important thing is not to internalise negative feedback from others as this is about them, not you.

I would disagree with this. EQ =/ IQ. There are members on this board with 160 IQ's who are a complete mess and need full-time care.

I'm proud of myself, the AS has nothing to do with it. I simply am who I am

There's no shortage of neuro-typical people with IQ's of 160 who are also a mess. What makes you think that the members you mention would be any less of a mess if they weren't autistic?

It's a rule of thumb, not a hard rule, and it makes perfect sense. NT's have special brain circuitry or processes that effortlessly and instantly decode body language, intonation, facial expressions etc. The faster and more efficient the intelligence of a person with autism, the better they will be able to process that same information using raw brain power. It won't ever be perfect and it becomes less effective the more people are in the conversation, but it works as a rule of thumb.

An interesting example is Jake Barnett, the autistic math prodigy with an IQ of 170. He doesn't miss a single trick. Subtle humor, sarcasm, whatever.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hBW4S9xcTOk

Last edited by velocity on 08 Mar 2013, 10:59 am, edited 3 times in total.