Parents meddle with studying

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Hi, I want to ask what to do about this problem, since I'm really getting frustrated and unhappy, and it's affecting my academic performance. I've been getting good grades in college so far(made the dean's list every semester till now), but my parents are trying to change the way I study. My dad is always yelling at me about how I need to go out and look for study partners and study groups because he thinks I spend too much time in the library by myself. He keeps pushing me to use study methods I've already tried that I know are not helpful, just because he heard some other kid did it that way. He keeps pushing me to take advice from my sister, who keeps saying things like "Oh, I think it's boring to study by yourself." The thing is, my grades have always been much better than hers. She barely passed most of her exams, and only got a job after graduating because my dad pulled strings for her in his company. It really irritates me when he keeps pushing me to stop using the study methods that work for me and pushes me to take advice from the worst sources possible, people who actually did much worse than me in school, just because he wants me to be more of an extrovert and fit in with the other kids. I already know from my own experience that study groups do not work well for me because other kids usually try to turn it into a big social event and no one stays focused on studying. I have always learned much more on my own. Even when my dad can see that my grades are better when he leaves me alone and lets me study on my own in the ways that work for me, he still keeps nagging me about "study buddies" no matter how many times I tell him that it is not helpful for me to study with other people. How do I get him to back off?

Could you make a friend or aquaintance at the library? Just someone you can say "hi" to, not to study with. Then you could tell your dad, "I found a study partner. We work at the library." So what if you are studying completely different subjects at different tables! You could even just use the name of the librarian, call her Jane. "I'll be working with Jane at the library." It's the truth, but not the WHOLE truth, kwim? Unless your dad actually checks up on you or presses you for details, this might be enough to satisfy him.

You have a very valid point. Most especially, you are doing really well! That is what matters. You are precisely correct in that Aspies do have a mode of learning/studying that is distinct. Obviously, your excellent study practices work, so keep going. Plus, you are an adult and need to do what it best for you, not someone else. Personally, I cannot study in groups - never have. zette's idea is good too.

Sorya, because your valid point is really important, could you have a frank talk with your father? Maybe at a designated time. Alternatively, could you write him a letter? (Be sure to tell him you appreciate his concern; I am sure he is proud of you). You could even show him what you have posted here. Because I think he deserves an honest explanation as to why your learning style, which is not your sisters, works for you. From what you have posted, your father obviously cares for you, but he might not fully realise how integral your learning style is. As an adult, you do deserve respect, and personal space, about your learning style.

Anyway, keep up the good work

I like Zette's idea of finding someone who likes to study the same way you do, and then "studying" with them. When I was in school, I was part of a "study group." We each took notes from our readings, and then everyone shared notes. We never actually sat down and studied together. However, I did find that switching notes was helpful because sometimes someone would key into something that I had only glossed over.

It sounds like your parents are concerned about your social issues, not your grades. Could you find a club that you could tolerate and join that? Then you could tell your parents that while you would like to continue to study alone, you have joined the photography club/history club/chess club (or whatever) and get plenty of time to socialize there. I find that by the time you reach college, there are enough special interests clubs that you could probably find something that at the very least would not drive you nuts. At my undergrad school, there was a poetry club. It was very laid back and you didn't even have to participate. People would either read "the great literary poets" and discuss, or people would bring their own work in. I didn't join, but my friend did. She liked it.

A totally different point of view: what are you studying? Because depending upon what it is, your parents concerns may be partially valid. When I was in grad school, we had almost no tests. Almost everything we did was group projects. As you can imagine, it was somewhat painful for me in the beginning, although it became less so overtime. However, my field requires a lot of collaboration and interaction with others, so I am actually glad that I got so much practice doing it before I started work. Had I stuck to my solitary ways I probably would have still graduated with honors, but I would have failed miserably when I had my first job and basically every job since then.

What your father is suggesting is bad for you, so I suggest that you ignore his advice and continue to do what works for you.

In freshman year of college, I did the study/homework group thing for awhile, but it didn't work for me, so I switched back to self-study like I always did, and that worked well for me.

I had the same issues as a kid: I needed to study with very loud music blaring, because it helped me screen out all the other sensory things. I also don't study well at a desk, but am better off lying down on the floor. My parents constantly directed me to change those two things (and, unfortunately, my grades were pretty scattershot due to undiagnosed learning disabilities - but at least in areas that didn't involve numbers I could show I did better my own way.)

I would agree, I also guess your parents are masking a concern for your social skills under a concern for your academic success. I think they may think you'll find like-minded people who will be easier to make friends with if you are all studying the same thing. If you can show them that you've successfully separated studying and socializing and you do better at both things by keeping them separate, you may do well.

Another thing that may have happened (I know it happens with my Mom a lot) is that they may have found some kind of study or article that generally talks about study habits and has some kind of science to back it up. You may be able to counter this kind of argument by finding a reliable source that says individual study habits may vary and everyone needs to find what works best for them. (maybe this article will help, at least as a starting point: http://www.familycorner.com/education/g ... help.shtml )

College is a time where most young people are separating from their parents and establishing boundaries. I think the best way to show your maturity and set things up in the future where they respect your boundaries is to maturely and politely talk to your dad and #1 explain to him that everyone's study styles are different and that what he proposes does not work for you. Then try to get him to tell you his real concerns (social?) and then explain that you know how to handle your own social life, but if you want help with socializing you will ask him.

I don't know that it will work. If he is persistent it won't. I would worry though if he is trying to micromanage your college years that he will want to micromanage your post-collegiate adulthood, too. I would not want to hear constant nagging and micromanaging with dating, marriage, children, career, and whatever else.

As long as you do well with your methods in tests I would ignore the others. I also had lots of troubles with "my kind of learning", so for me the night was the best time to learn because its so silent then, nobodys talking to you, nobodys calling, no cars on the streets, no gardening noises... But according to my father I should have slept during the best time for learning and instead learned right after school when I was completely exhausted and disturbed.

Just dont listen to those people, as long as you have your good school efforts as a proof, that you are right.

You're absolutely right that the best study method depends on the person. It appears to be more of a social issue than academic though, perhaps try meeting people in other ways (not necessarily related to study). If he insists that you have to meet people through study then there's not much to be said other than he's being unreasonable.

From my experience, I usually work better on my own. I did have a study group for a while in school when studying for our final exams, but I went there for the wrong reasons (I went there more as an excuse to hang out with my friends rather than learn from each other).

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A smile costs nothing

I would suggest that you tell your dad that you will try his suggestions, thank him, smile and then go off and continue studying exactly how you want to. There is no reason that you can't let him think you are studying however it is that he wants you to study. If it makes him happy and keeps him off your back then there's no harm in it at all. Lie to him. Tell him you are going to meet a group of people and study in a bat cave if that's what he suggests. He will never know unless he follows you and if he does that then you have every reason in the world to insist that he mind his own business.

I know it's difficult to not argue when you know you are right, I would have a huge issue with letting somebody think I was doing something I didn't want to do just to make them happy, I would want them to know I was right, but if it's the only way to get him to hush then it's worth it. Find someplace to go where he isn't and study there.

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