Fairly angry with my Mother..

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So, I'm 23 years old and I just recently figured out that my 'issue' or whatever you'd like to call is that I'm on the autistic spectrum in some way.

I was formally diagnosed about a year ago with the following;
Asocial personality disorder
Obsessive-compulsive disorder

Somehow, despite the so-called 'professional' telling me "You may also be slightly autistic", there was no test done in that regard.

Anyway, this epiphany was about a week ago, and I told my mom of the news. She wasn't surprised at all, and told me that psychiatrists told her when I was younger that I'm "on the border of being autistic", as well as "on the border" of ADD. Basically they didn't know what it was and through out a bunch of terms, I feel like.
But they saw that aspergers was a large part of my behavior, and told her to just "raise me" normally and not worry about it...
So I'm a little ticked off that she followed this advice, I wonder if maybe she had put extra effort into helping me socialize I wouldn't dislike it so much, and my life would have been a little easier.
Well, I wouldn't even say "dislike", I just have no desire or need for it anymore.. but I'm still aware that isn't "normal" and that bothers me sometimes.

I don't blame you for being angry because you did not get help you could have gotten. "Experts" sometimes give really bad advice, and if your mom does not have a questioning personality, I can see, though, where she might have thought she was doing the right thing by "raising you normally." If she is also the type to not want to notice things, she might have thought that even if you appeared to struggle. Some people are really good at rationalizing that things are OK, even if they are not. I do not know if that was what happened, but it is a possibility.

My mom is one of those people who does not like unpleasantness, and can shape facts to fit how she wishes to see things. That is why I think that this may be similar.

Yep I had similar issues, as well as probably many other autistics did also. Back then everybody just wanted to conform I think, and these things were ignored.

I don't know. You have to think of what kind of help your parent would have given you. The only kind of help my mom knew how to give about anything was to mix in and try to tell me what to do based on how she would have felt. I could have used constructive help, but nothing my mom would have done (as evidenced by what she did do) would have done anything but annoy the heck out of me and would have made me feel worse.

I would have liked the validation that something was off, but I don't think it would have been worth it.

Being 23, it is likely she was given this advice in the 90's when not much was known about Aspergers. It was just added to the DSM-IV at that time. Autism was thought of as only the most severe of cases when it came to receiving services. Even the experts didn't know how to treat/help people with Aspergers. That being said, there was a lot of cutting edge treatments and some people received good help or even had a parent who was above and beyond the norm.

As a parent, even knowing what I do, I resisted finding out more about my son. Every year my husband said, maybe we need to find out what's wrong. I kept listening to the teachers platitudes that he would outgrow it, that he had a gap between his intellectual and emotional development, that with the right parenting and right education and time he would get better. Finally, at age 10 we started seeking answers. I don't know what I would do without this community of parents and people on the spectrum that are there to help me understand and parent my son. If I was alone in the 90's, I am afraid I too would have just "done the best I can."

I am so sorry that your mother didn't do more. I wish it was possible to go back in time and right all the wrongs I did my own child, but I can't. You are only 23, it is never too late to learn those skills. Weather you forgive your mother or not, please do not dwell in the pain of the past, but look to the possibilities of the here and now. That way, when you are 50, you won't be looking back and saying, I wish someone would have told me... when I was 23.

I can understand your disappointment. Try to remember that she probably did the best she could with what she had. Kids don't come with instruction manuals. Sometimes the sheer number of decisions that a parent needs to make on a daily basis can be overwhelming. Not everyone is cut out for the challenges involved in raising children. Unfortunately its tough to know until you have a child of your own. As the previous poster said, try not to let your bad feelings about the past get in the way of what you want for yourself today.

To best honest, there are people on here who were treated as 'mildly autistic' and put into special ed classes and are resentful that their parents didn't allow them to live up to their own potential - is one of those things - damned if you do, damned if you don't. I am sure your mum had the best intentions at heart, and did her best. It's not worth being angry at her, it won't change the past.

There are mistakes I am probably making with my kids right now. My parents made mistakes with me. My grand parents made mistakes with my parents, etc. My children will make mistakes with their children. It's a part of life.

Everything looks very obvious when you look back on it. But while you are in the midst of it, things can be very confusing, so, sometimes you have to close your eyes and chose a path, right or wrong. It is a waste of time to sit back and pick out all the things your parents didn't do perfect. At some point, you accept that all humans make mistakes (including you) and you move on.

If you feel there are parts of your personality lacking, work on it. You are 23 yo and a legal adult. Work with your therapist to find strategies for improving the parts of your personality that you find lacking.

Yup, I can only concur that it sucks - for you AND for your mother.

I am really, really grateful that my parenting choices (the result of lots and lots of research and asking autistic people directly here) are now better - but I'm still batting 3-for-30. I can only hope that my son grows up with enough skills to fix my mistakes.

This is not to say that you aren't rightfully frustrated: I am pretty sure I went through a lot of stuff that I didn't have to because my mother believed that SPED was for kids who were lazy and if I just worked harder I would do better. That being said, had she made the opposite choice, there's no knowing if things would actually have been better.

I am sorry for your frustration. Hopefully your new self-awareness will be a tool for you to reparent yourself. I did when I was about your age.

I understand how you feel and I don't blame you for being angry.

That being said, I have pretty bad ADD and when you look at my report cards from kindergarten on up, the evidence is screaming all over them. And talk to my mom about what I was like growing up...the picture is clear. In hindsight.

The thing is, in the 70's and 80's, when I grew up, ADD was a thing that boys had. Mostly delinquent boys who behaved recklessly and disrespectfully. I was neither disrespectful, nor reckless. And above all else, I was a GIRL.

So, what did my mom do? She did the best she could. She tried to "raise me normally."

When my son was first diagnosed with ADHD, my mom immediately realized that that was what was "wrong" with me all along. She felt really bad about it. She thought back to so many simple things, like how I told her I didn't know how to clean my room and how she had insisted I was just being difficult, when really, I was telling her the truth and she didn't listen. She really felt bad.

But the truth is, her feeling bad doesn't change anything. She did the best she could with the information she had at the time. It's not like there was an internet where she could google "why does my daughter talk like she is driven by a talking engine?" Or "why does my daughter set off to her room to get her shoes like I asked, only to be found 30 minutes later, sitting in her brother's room reading a book?" or "why does my daughter's room look like something blew up in it? No punishment will get it to change!"

I understand you feel angry. What I can tell you is that I was much older than you when I finally realized that, for all of their mistakes, my parents did the best they could at the time...and FORGAVE them, it lifted a huge weight off of me.

Feel your anger. It's normal. But then let it go and see if there is something that you can do now. The truth is, you are still really young and you have plenty of time to learn compensatory strategies. Your knowledge of Aspergers may even lead you to believe that there are somethings that you once thought were important--because you were told so--that really aren't important at all. Another big revelation to me was that there was absolutely no need for me to be "popular." I grew up my whole life thinking that if I could just be "popular" all of the feelings of differentness inside of me would go away. My parents didn't tell me this, but society does. The odd thing is, trying to fit in and be popular probably only highlighted my feelings of differentness. Instead of being a cheerleader, I should have joined the rest of the geeky kids in the photography club.

The point I am trying to make (brevity is not my strong suit) is that perhaps now that you know you have aspergers, you can just accept that perhaps for you, socializing is not the "normal" thing to do. Stop focusing on trying to do the "normal" thing. The "typical" thing. Because you are not typical. There is no reason for you to act as such. Find things that make you happy. Learn compensatory strategies for those things you must learn. But accept yourself for who you are and find your own path in life.

Actually, in that respect, you are pretty much like every other 23 year old I have ever known. Breaking away from parental influences and expectations to find your own personal meaning in life.

It's quite a ride, I tell you.

And don't expect to get there until well after your peers. Because you are probably not on the same trajectory as they are. I was not an "adult" until I was in my 30's for example. But I got there, even if it was later than most.

I could ramble on forever on topics like this, but I will spare you (and everyone else) from that!

Even if you did socialize in childhood more, you still wouldn't like it and wouldn't need it. It comes with being autistic and being drained by socializing. It's the way you are. It couldn't have been changed.

Yeah socializing more in childhood would not have helped the way you think it would.

My daughter does NOT want to socialize more than she does. Trying to push it causes a lot of anxiety and push back from her which just causes her to hate it even more. Pushing her more is a mistake.

Myself, I socialized a lot as a child, but it did not help me. I'm still a friendless socially akward mess!

On the good side, at least she didn't give you some of the bad autism therapies.

I can kind of relate to your situation in a different way, though. When I was little, my parents were foster carers to two severely disturbed teenagers. And after a little while of them being there, I started getting more withdrawn, and doing a bit of sexual behavior. My parents were worried about this, so they talked to my foster sibs' therapists about it several times, and they just brushed it off. Several years later, my parents found out I was being sexually abused.

In some of my worse moments, I've been mad at my parents for not figuring it out. But the experts told them it was nothing to worry about, and they didn't know any better. And as soon as they did realize what was going on, they did all the right things about it. So when I'm being rational I don't hold it against them. They just didn't know.