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cubedemon6073
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11 Mar 2013, 7:50 pm

What does it mean to be considerate towards a woman's feelings? What does she mean when she says a guy is inconsiderate towards her feelings?

Why do some women ask their spouses all of the time if they are fat and they can't seem to accept that they will be given the same answer which is "no, they are not fat."

Why do women make a big deal about dresses and matching clothes?

I have problems with zipping up my wife's dresses because the zipper is too small and I have motor coordination problems. I tell her this and she still gets upset because my having difficulty makes her think she is fat when she is not fat. What is the logic behind this?

What is the logic behind a woman's emotions especially some NT women?

I can't systemize some women's emotions because they seem so erratic and fleeting. There is no pattern or structure that I can discern. How do I discern it so I can make the right moves and provide the correct responses?



Bombaloo
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11 Mar 2013, 8:11 pm

Oh my! You are asking some tough questions ! I guess one important thing to understand is that there is no logic to emotions. Generally speaking, logic and emotion use two different parts of one's brain. Have you ever read a book called "The Journal of Best Practices"? It is written by an Aspie man who is trying to figure out how to get along better with his NT wife and kids. While the specifics of your situations may vary, you might find his thought processes insightful.



rabidmonkey4262
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11 Mar 2013, 9:58 pm

Well, some NTs might have trouble figuring out an aspie's emotions, so it works both ways. It has absolutely nothing to do with gender. Both men and women can be extremely emotional; they may just express it in different ways.


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11 Mar 2013, 11:02 pm

An aspie friend who is married to an NT woman frequently asks similar questions to the ones you are asking. They are always posed as:
What do women.....
Why do women........
How do women.......

His questions are way too broad. All he needs to know is:
What does Sally...............
Why does Sally...............
How does Sally.............

He can't know about women because each woman is different in her moods, needs, desires, reactions..........

Bill mostly only needs to know about his wife Sally; her moods, her needs, her desires, her reactions........

He sure as heck doesn't need to know about my moods, needs, desires, reactions......He's not with me. I am very different from Sally even though we are close friends.

Sally is knowable. Woman-kind is not knowable to any one particular man. Staying with the general questions is counter productive, it'll run you around in circles. Ask questions about your specific woman; ask her.



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12 Mar 2013, 4:19 pm

Bombaloo wrote:
Have you ever read a book called "The Journal of Best Practices"? .


I have to buy this book! Im NT and husband is AS. I think those questions are the same for NT men, and to be honest as an NT woman I cant even tell you why we say or do these things! The question of "do I look fat?" is one I would never ask my husband. It wuld not be fair as there is no right answer, if he says no hes lying because I have already decided I do! If he says yes then hes being mean, if he says nothing he is affectively saying yes. Its a horrible position to put him in. However it still pops in my head occasionally... why!!?? 8O Must be a woman thing lol.

I would say to her how awkard it makes you feel, and how confused you are when she does this. Maybe she could phrase it better and try on two dresses and ask which looks nicer, that way you are complimenting her instead of being forced to criticise. Tell her about how you have dificulty in zipping thigns up, perhaps you could demonstrate with something shes not wearing.

Women are complicated and we know it, but its hard not to be. I think it is hormones! I wouldnt blame it too much on the AS I think this might be one area where you are in the same boat as all men ;)

Edit: Just bought the book, cant wait to read it!



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12 Mar 2013, 4:37 pm

His and hers reading :)

For her Loving Someone with Aspergers, looks like there are a few alternatives out there too, 22 things a woman must know if she loves a man with AS!

For you Journal of best practice


Then swap!



ASDMommyASDKid
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12 Mar 2013, 5:43 pm

I do not think it is a woman thing. It is an NT thing. I would not ask a question I did not want an honest answer to, because I have learned that you may get an answer you do not want if you do this.

Edited to add (because I forgot to type it):NTs, both male and female have a different non-literal way to communicate that has to be studied for awhile to understand. "Do I look fat?" is not a literal question. It means, "I am insecure about my looks right now, and I need reassurance." It is not uncommon for NT's to fish for compliments in this way. If she is not open to changing how she communicates with you, you will just have to try to learn what she means and respond appropriately. Sometimes NTs are resistant to change, too, and won't change how they communicate to make it easier.

The zipper thing is probably that if a person gains weight or retains water temporarily or something, ones clothing is tighter and clothing with a zipper becomes harder to zip. So if she is touchy about weight then she has decided to read into your issues with her zipper as being a problem with her weight. I would just say that you are not good at zippers (which is evidently true) and tell her you were not implying she is fat. You may have to top that off with an "I think you are beautiful," or something like that if she is sufficiently insecure.

Beyond that, I am not sure what to advise.



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13 Mar 2013, 6:39 am

cubedemon6073 wrote:
1. What does it mean to be considerate towards a woman's feelings? What does she mean when she says a guy is inconsiderate towards her feelings?


You would have to provide an example. "Being considerate towards her feelings" can mean anything...

cubedemon6073 wrote:
Why do some women ask their spouses all of the time if they are fat and they can't seem to accept that they will be given the same answer which is "no, they are not fat."


I have come to the conclusion that it is because those women have incredibly low self-steem. Their self-steem relies exclusively on their looks. She wants to hear that you still find her physically attractive. Instead of just replying to her answer it cold be nice to tell her every now and then thorugh the day how well she looks (that way she would not need to ask).

cubedemon6073 wrote:
Why do women make a big deal about dresses and matching clothes?


Just look around... Our society idolizes the looks. It's ot only women nowadays. Men are falling in the same trap. They just want to fit in, and looking certain way helps you achieve that. I think it is propelled by fear. Fear of rejection. Other women can be very cruel and critize you if you are not dressed "fashion".

cubedemon6073 wrote:
I have problems with zipping up my wife's dresses because the zipper is too small and I have motor coordination problems. I tell her this and she still gets upset because my having difficulty makes her think she is fat when she is not fat. What is the logic behind this?


It looks like your wife is afraid she is putting some weight on. Maybe she is and you just did not notice. Maybe the problem is your coordination issues and that she actually gained some weight. You stick to your story. Just be patient with her.

cubedemon6073 wrote:
What is the logic behind a woman's emotions especially some NT women?


There is no logic. Some women think in a very convoluted way. Just try to watch some movies or TV shows about the topic. Maybe they could help you understand...

cubedemon6073 wrote:
I can't systemize some women's emotions because they seem so erratic and fleeting. There is no pattern or structure that I can discern. How do I discern it so I can make the right moves and provide the correct responses?


Usually there is no correct answer. They are just using you to vent out because they feel unsatisfied about something. Just be patient and loving as much as you can and tell her how much you love her and how desirable she "looks" to you as often as you can.



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13 Mar 2013, 7:25 am

I agree about you not needing to understand women, just your woman.

The zipper/fat thing I know is really common-- my NT girlfriend is always worried about fat. If she's a size 16, she'd be happy if she was just a size 12. If she's a 14, she wants to be a 10. I guess if she ever gets down to 12 and stays there, she'll end up dead, 'cause the only way she's ever going to be a size 8 is if there is no longer anything covering her bones (she's short and muscular-- about 5'3" and can dead-lift 100 pounds-- yes I'm jealous).

It doesn't matter what she looks like-- she's never happy. Lovely chestnut hair with very becoming streaks of gray-- she just wants it to be blonde. Dyes it blond, just wants it to be red. Dyes it red, just wants it to look like Pink! in that new video. Shaves half her head, just wants it to be long.

I think women in general are enculturated agaist liking themselves, or at least their looks and personalities.

So what you have to do is, make it clear that it's a problem with you. "I can't get it zipped" needs to become "My fingers don't want to work this morning." People will still turn on you if you make it clear that everything is your fault-- you really tag yourself as vulnerable-- but good-hearted insecure people will be less likely to be put off by it.


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13 Mar 2013, 7:36 pm

There is no requirement that there be any logic behind someone's emotions.

This may be one of those things that you just have to accept as fact, even if it doesn't make logical or rational sense.

If you need something rational, try this: consider it in the framework of conditioned responses. If you do/say things to make your wife feel good, then she will come to associate "you" with "feeling good." That can't possibly be a bad thing if your goal is to have a long lasting marriage, even if it doesn't make any rational sense.


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cubedemon6073
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13 Mar 2013, 11:55 pm

InThisTogether wrote:
There is no requirement that there be any logic behind someone's emotions.

This may be one of those things that you just have to accept as fact, even if it doesn't make logical or rational sense.

If you need something rational, try this: consider it in the framework of conditioned responses. If you do/say things to make your wife feel good, then she will come to associate "you" with "feeling good." That can't possibly be a bad thing if your goal is to have a long lasting marriage, even if it doesn't make any rational sense.


I get what you're saying. I may have to accept some things as axioms.



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14 Mar 2013, 12:12 am

Society teaches us to be insecure, that if we're not a size 0 that there is something wrong with us.
I don't ask my bf if I'm fat, cause I know that I am (or at least bigger than I was pre-baby).
I want constant reassurance that I am pretty.
Women think people are more critical than they really are, and that if they don't match they may end up on People of Wal-Mart lol.
Women are a hard creature to figure out, most men give on ever doing that, even the NT :P



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14 Mar 2013, 12:55 am

I think you should talk to your wife and ask her what she really means when she asks whether she looks fat. She may just be looking for reassurance or a compliment, like some people said. But there may be a different answer, too.

I'm not NT, but I'm not on the spectrum, either. I have an entirely different set of issues, including a history of eating disorder and body image issues. I know by now that what *I* see in the mirror does not reflect reality. I am a size 4, and yet when I look in the mirror, I see someone much bigger than that, like a 16 or an 18. So when I ask my husband, "Does this make me look fat?" I am asking for a real answer. I want to know, for example, whether *everyone* sees the muffin top over my jeans, if if I am just imagining it. I rely on him for a honest answer, the same way you would want someone to tell you if you had catsup on your face or a dead leaf stuck in the back of your hair. I need to be able to trust that he WILL tell me if something is unflattering or too tight.


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15 Mar 2013, 1:35 pm

Think about how many fat and/or ugly male characters on t.v. are married to thin, beautiful women. Now think about how many shows feature fat and/or ugly women married to hot guys (hint: 0). This is only one of many possible examples of how society values women. So is it really surprising that many women fear getting old or fat or having mismatched clothing?



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15 Mar 2013, 1:40 pm

cubedemon6073 wrote:
What does it mean to be considerate towards a woman's feelings? What does she mean when she says a guy is inconsiderate towards her feelings?

Why do some women ask their spouses all of the time if they are fat and they can't seem to accept that they will be given the same answer which is "no, they are not fat."

Why do women make a big deal about dresses and matching clothes?

I have problems with zipping up my wife's dresses because the zipper is too small and I have motor coordination problems. I tell her this and she still gets upset because my having difficulty makes her think she is fat when she is not fat. What is the logic behind this?

What is the logic behind a woman's emotions especially some NT women?

I can't systemize some women's emotions because they seem so erratic and fleeting. There is no pattern or structure that I can discern. How do I discern it so I can make the right moves and provide the correct responses?

Why is this in Parents' Discussion?


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