My husbands treats me like an employee

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Ravenfeather1
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29 Mar 2013, 3:45 pm

He responds to me like he is treated at work, which doesnt really relate to home life. He wants the house clean, the yard mowed, the cars serviced, the bills taken care of and he wants no part of any of that. If i need him to sign something, talk to someone on the phone if it is something in his name, i get a lecture on independence. He needs alone time, and i get that, but gets angry if i occupy myself. Im tired at the end of the day but he doesnt see how i could be since he makes money and i dont. I cant even mention sex without him telling me he is too tired or blowing up at me. I took the kids for vacationthis week, which isnt a vacation for me, and came home to a trashed house and him telling me that he could handle it all if he didnt have to go to work too. And no, i didnt prompt him for that, he just randomly said it. He doest want to discuss any topic of conversation that i come up with and talks over me when he says something that needs a response. So i stay quiet and then he says i never talk to him. How do i respond to this? How do i understand him?



Camo
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29 Mar 2013, 3:50 pm

That sounds more like him being a dick than an AS thing... also sounds like he wants a secretary rather than a wife but that's just based on those few lines.
Was he always like this ?

Stu


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JanuaryMan
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29 Mar 2013, 3:51 pm

There's not much to understand. He's the one not being understanding. Respond with counselling if you want a mediator or at least someone to listen to you.
We can give you all the advice under the Sun about this but we are just strangers on the net and it won't change the outlook your husband has about you and his priorities.



cbex57
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29 Mar 2013, 3:53 pm

He seems to be very stressed from his work. What type of job does he have? My step father acts similarly toward my mother because he works late at an office most of the week.



goldfish21
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29 Mar 2013, 4:16 pm

Sounds like he's being a bit of a self important dick.

I do wonder if he'd be more balanced in his expectations if he had a firm understanding of what consumes your time and energy, and why some things he expects to be done simply aren't, or are done later etc. If you're both in open minded calm peaceful moods, it might be worth discussing and noting (on paper) what your schedules and tasks are, and calculating what consumes your time - literally as if you're both employees of your life together. He might see that your time is very well filled up, and may see that even with his money earning job he has time outside of it that he's not fully utilizing that he could be using to help pick up the slack at home. Alternatively, you may discover that you aren't as productive as you think you are, and that he puts in more hours of work between his job and home every week than you do & that you may need to better manage your own time to help keep a balanced household. Or some combination of the two. Literally list your tasks & what time you start/finish etc as if you were scheduling yourself for work 24/7 for a week, including sleep hours. (even if they vary, just approximate it and come to an agreement on what number of hours etc.) Once you do this and compare, one or both of you may be surprised at the results. He may become more forgiving and form more realistic expectations, or you may realize that you allow distractions to consume more of your time than you realize and that your total efforts aren't as time consuming as his job is. IMO, earning money has nothing to do with it & what should be compared apples to apples is the number of hours of effort each of you are putting into work/life/household/family etc - and if it turns out he works 40h & commutes 6, and you work 65h a week for the benefit of the family, then maybe he'll see the logic in taking over half of the extra hours you put in and pitch in and help out more vs. delegate tasks to you. I've given examples of multiple possible outcomes because I have no idea what your reality actually is. It's also possible that if you've never done a simple exercise like this, that you don't either, so grab a paper & pen and start crunching some numbers. If you don't know how much time it takes to do some things, approximate it or even time them this week as if you were doing a management time study - just try to be realistic with your times.

If you're able to do this on your own together, all the better. If not, for whatever reason, then perhaps it would serve you both well to go do this sort of exercise with a neutral third party to oversee it, ie a marriage counsellor.


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Ravenfeather1
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29 Mar 2013, 4:20 pm

@camo..no, in the beginning we both had jobs. Then i couldnt have him, house and three kids, one with bi polar disorder. So the job had to go.

@januaryman...he doesnt think counseling will help. I just want to be able to respond appropriately. I have learned it is about the response i provide to his actions that can lead to an argument or peace.


@cbex57... He is a senior software engineer at a small company. He does work late, and he micromanages me thru text like they micromanage him. But he cant control anything, i.e. doesn't pAy bills, forgets to feed kids, dogs, cant wash his clothes(i wasn't home for three days so he freaked, even tho i did all his laundry before i left)

I cant change him. Only my behavior. And sometimes having others "listen" helps.



goldfish21
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29 Mar 2013, 5:07 pm

What if you start pre-empting his micromanaging ways by texting him in advance to let him know that abc & xyz are all taken care of and everything's going smoothly at home and with the kids?

Maybe he texts and micromanages you like that because he's anxious and worried about these things being done, not because he wants to delegate things to you and manage you? If you get a head start on a few things and keep him posted ahead of the game, then maybe he'll relax more and stop having to get these things off his mind and ask you if you've completed them?

I do this with my not-very-likely-NT boss at one of my jobs. It helps that I have a business school education and have studied some behavioural things etc. If she's not on shift, she'll call the shop or text myself or another employee to ask for near constant updates about micromanaging things because she gets so worried about 'em when she's not there as these are the numbers she's measured by her superiors for having achieved. So, rather than wait for her frenzied phone calls or anxious texts, I've taken up texting her every so often to let her know what the numbers are sitting at & what's completed by what time etc. She replies and thanks me, then doesn't get all frazzled and phone and waste my time with her stress and anxiety over micromanaging bullshit things that don't matter to anyone or anything in the grand scheme of life, but literally keep her up at night because she's been measured based on these numbers for 13 years. Good ol', "tell me how I'm measured and I'll show you how I'll behave." Pre-emptively texting her the info has given her confidence that myself and other employees can manage to get these simple things done without her being there or constantly checking in, so she calls/texts less and less often. Nothing has changed about how we do our work, what gets done by what time etc.. only that instead of her getting anxious and micromanaging us by sending texts, I or someone else will text her a quick update before she can get worked up, and then everything just goes smoother.

Could be worth a try in your case, too.


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Ravenfeather1
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29 Mar 2013, 5:13 pm

goldfish21 wrote:
What if you start pre-empting his micromanaging ways by texting him in advance to let him know that abc & xyz are all taken care of and everything's going smoothly at home and with the kids?

Maybe he texts and micromanages you like that because he's anxious and worried about these things being done, not because he wants to delegate things to you and manage you? If you get a head start on a few things and keep him posted ahead of the game, then maybe he'll relax more and stop having to get these things off his mind and ask you if you've completed them?

I do this with my not-very-likely-NT boss at one of my jobs. It helps that I have a business school education and have studied some behavioural things etc. If she's not on shift, she'll call the shop or text myself or another employee to ask for near constant updates about micromanaging things because she gets so worried about 'em when she's not there as these are the numbers she's measured by her superiors for having achieved. So, rather than wait for her frenzied phone calls or anxious texts, I've taken up texting her every so often to let her know what the numbers are sitting at & what's completed by what time etc. She replies and thanks me, then doesn't get all frazzled and phone and waste my time with her stress and anxiety over micromanaging bullshit things that don't matter to anyone or anything in the grand scheme of life, but literally keep her up at night because she's been measured based on these numbers for 13 years. Good ol', "tell me how I'm measured and I'll show you how I'll behave." Pre-emptively texting her the info has given her confidence that myself and other employees can manage to get these simple things done without her being there or constantly checking in, so she calls/texts less and less often. Nothing has changed about how we do our work, what gets done by what time etc.. only that instead of her getting anxious and micromanaging us by sending texts, I or someone else will text her a quick update before she can get worked up, and then everything just goes smoother.

Could be worth a try in your case, too.



Nice. I like it.



MDD123
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29 Mar 2013, 5:43 pm

What was it like when you two first got together?


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Stalk
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29 Mar 2013, 6:00 pm

Sounds like me, reason why I left after finding out what I was.



bizboy1
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29 Mar 2013, 7:44 pm

Being an aspie is no reason for being a dick!


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Ilka
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29 Mar 2013, 8:25 pm

If I was you I would get a job. Some people just do not respect their stay-home partners. They see stay-home partners as not worthy because they do not make money. That is unfair because house work is extremely difficult and very expensive if you need to hire someone else to do it for you. Maybe that is what he needs: to be faced with how expensive and uncomfortable it would be for him if you are not taking care of that. That will only happen if ou get out of the house. Three kids are a lot. I have only one. I stayed home until she was 5. After that I started working again. She has AS, as my husband. It is difficult, but it can be made. And actually I think it is good if our children do not have us there 24/7. But your husband is a chauvinist. And that has nothing to do with his AS. You need to train him on how to be a good husband. I have taught mine. It takes a lot of time and patience, but it can be done. Marriage is a team work. Both of you need to work together to make it work, which means you and him. And bringing money home is not enough.



IlovemyAspie
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30 Mar 2013, 1:00 am

I would look into narcissistic personality disorder.

He sounds very controlling. I am just getting out of a controlling relationship and a lot of what you are going through sounds like some of the things I went through. While it may sound nice, I would not text him or communicate with him that everything is going well at home. It's like this, you are an adult. You do not need to "check in" with your husband. You start doing that and you'll be doing it with everything. It will not make things better it will only make things worse. Now instead of feeling like an employee you'll feel like a child reporting to his/her parent that their chores are done. WTF??? What it sounds like is that since he's making the money he feels that gives him the right to dictate what goes on. No amount of showing him what you do during the day is going to give him that "aha moment" where he now understands and realizes all of the things that you do doing the day. You need to let him know that unless he's going to stay home while you go to work then he needs to back off and either A-let you handle the house and he handles work or B-he can pitch in. If he's not willing to pitch in then he needs to shut his mouth about what goes on while he's not there. Now I'm taking for granted that you are indeed doing the best you can and not just "chillin" all day. Amazing how when you came home from vacation the house was a mess. Now, he had no kids and had plenty of time to take care of the house. And actually if you left it clean then all he had to do was pick up after himself right????

I'm telling you right now, if you start trying to appease him by checking in and trying to do everything just the way he wants, you are going to go crazy and things will fall apart quick fast and in a hurry.

I had that problem. Always trying to make sure he was happy. The things I did were never good enough. I found myself thinking let me do this so he'll be happy with me. Just like I was trying to please a parent. My relationship was like a parent child relationship. I felt just like one of the kids.

This does not sound like an AS thing. Sounds like a douche lord thing. If I truly thought this was AS then I would have compassion.

You are never going to make him happy all of the time and in the process who's worried about your happiness??? Something is wrong with that. You will tire yourself out trying to make someone happy that will never happy.

With all of that said, if he truly cares about you and the relationship he'll try to work things out.. But you've already said he's not open to counseling. If you want to stay, then you'll have to learn coping mechanisms and kissing his butt is not one of them.



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30 Mar 2013, 5:50 am

He should give you a raise and promote you or else you leave your two weeks notice and apply for another job I mean man!


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