"I'm so sorry you feel that way" and other mean ph

Post Reply New Topic

Am I wrong or right for thinking the above is one of the meanest things a person can say to someone? It's as if "we screwed up but it's your fault" (I think that is how I would word it) or to NTs does it mean something else.

I also had someone at home depot tell me "It is what it is". What does that mean except to be nasty?

The other one is "I don't know what to tell you" but then never tell who can answer.

I will tell more about when these happen if you want to know about them. What all say you?

I just thought it was sympathy. They are not sorry for how they made you feel. They are just sorry you feel that way. they are also not apologizing for what they have said.

"I don't know what to tell you" means they don't know what to tell you. I don't know what I could say to convince them otherwise or what they want to hear or how to make them feel better.

I dont know the precise situation your referring to but "it is what it is" is something people say when they cant do anything about the situation and they dont know what else to say so they'll hope u back off. \

"I dont know what to tell you" ehh same thing

Are you referring to people in retail telling you this?

'It is what it is' is usually used to mean 'accept it and move on because it ain't changing'

Sometimes I think people are being passive aggressive when they say that but it depends on the situation I guess.

"It is what it is" I get told this a lot when pointing out things that are wrong, but no one is willing do anything about. Sometimes is just a big problem that is nearly unsolvable. World hunger "is what it is"

"I don't know what to tell you" That means you're being stubborn (At the very least in their opinion, usually in my case, I shoot down their advice because it won't work for me even though they won't admit it) and they just want you to shut up about it.

Both are dismissive and invalidating. I agree, they are nasty, but passive aggressively so, and in NT world, that doesn't seem to count.

It's the equivalent of someone saying, "Well bless your heart", when they are judging you in their head.

"it is what it is" was in retail at Home Depot:

I was going to install a door in my sister's basement to the outside. So I needed a flush entry door. The HD I went to had 2 doors, one with a scratch and one that was "perfect". Often at Home Depot, if you take a product that is "imperfect" they will give you a discount of maybe 10% for the damage. I figured, the door being in the basement, it could be imperfect and I could save a little money. This also helps clear the store of imperfect merchandise.

So I told the salesperson and he just says "It Is What It Is". Since I wasn't getting a discount, I then placed the perfect door on the cart because I was paying full price anyway.

I did tell the cashier this and she told me how to contact corporate in Atlanta. Turns out he should have let me have the scratch discount but by the time they got back to me I had already installed and foamed in the "perfect" door. When I talked to the manager, I just got a lot of abrupt grunting (something else I have a hard time dealing with but somehow NTs dont).

I know that sounds petty but I thought it was a mean remark.

The story about the sorry you feel that way is much worse, more later.

I think it depends on the context (for both statements).

"I'm sorry you feel that way" can definitily be dismissive, invalidating and mean as part of a "non-apology apology" where the person neither admits nor denies responsibility for doing anything wrong. In one case I had a person say to me, after majorly stuffing something up: "I'm sorry you feel that way. Oh, you should have told me earlier you wanted [the job done properly]. I'm sorry that you didn't say so!" Now, that really pissed me off. I cannot stand people like that. She was, all at once:
1) Refusing to admit responsibility (for something that was very clearly her fault)
2) Implying that it was my fault
3) Not directly blaming me, so not even taking responsibility for saying whose fault it was
4) Being highly condescending in her tone

On the other hand, I myself have said "I'm sorry you feel that way" to a person who bought something from me and complained about it. I felt it was OK, because I followed it with "... but I don't believe I did anything wrong, because ..." In that case, I was clearly refusing to accept responsibility, but at the same time acknowledging (genuinely) that I am slightly unhappy that she is unhappy. Even though I didn't think it was my fault, I would rather she was happy with her purchase.

To the people responding, I'm sorry you feel the way you do, but I don't know what to tell you.

I use these phrases too sometimes. For me:

I'm sorry you feel that way = I can see you're passionate about your feelings/belief, I wish you'd at least be open to a hearing something different, but clearly you're not so there's no point in going on anymore.

I don't know what to tell you = Sort of the same. I've tried to explain myself. You either don't understand/don't want to understand and it's clear anything else I say is an exercise in futility.

It is what it is = These things are beyond my control, or your control. Thinking we can change them is naive. While it's okay to be critical and have ideals, let's not delude ourselves either.

I believe "I'm so sorry you feel that way" is what's known as a platitude.

I think is supposed to be the polite way of saying "tough s#it".

.

The guy at home depot meant something along the lines of "I understand what you are saying but that isn't how it's set up here at this moment and I do not have the power to do anything about it." He couldn't (or didn't think he could) give you the discount, and his comment was to let you know that. It is what it is sometimes means "I can't do anything about it".

This.

"im sorry that you feel that way" , as someone said above, means "tough s**t".

But would you rather people just said "tough s**t"?

I dont think so...

So...

It is what it is!

And...

I dont know what to tell you!

And Im sorry that you feel bad when folks use expressions like "I'm sorry you feel that way."

Lol!

But seriously- what would you have people say?
If you were in their shoes what would you say to the other person?

You have to say negative things to folks in life sometimes.
These phrases you're complaining about are actually suger coated.

Kinda like the Emperor of Japan who went on the radio and addressed his whole nation in late 1945 with the statement that "things didnt turn out the way we planned"( rather than saying "we lost the world war that we started and have no choice but to unconditionally surrender to the enemy").

To me it sounds more like the guy DIDN'T WANT to do anything about it. A lazy underpaid worker. Why do more than the minimum expectation? He could have at least tried to make an effort to find out something. It was a cop out.

Not necessarily. Sometimes they do feel for you but couldn't think of a good solution or a better thing to say, so they fall back on 'I'm sorry to hear that'. I sometimes say that myself when I really do care.

I tend to use the second one with my dad who'll be trying to get me to tell him something I don't know.

"i'm so sorry you feel that way" is the only one out of that bunch that i believe NTs can turn into a bad meaning.
I've had it said to me before by my mother and i think she was mad at me at the time so she didn't mean it nice.

Urban dictionary says its a mean typical BS response to when you tell people what you really think.
(you have to google it as "i'm sorry you feel that way"

I guess it depends on who it's coming from and if they're angry or not? I never use that one.

I've heard people say "it is what it is" meaning just that about a piece of wood, no big deal..