Insensitive Grandmother/Need advise

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We are currently staying with my mother, because dad died and she needed some help. My daughter is Aspie and 13 yrs old.
My mom, the grandmother, does not have an understanding of Aspie even though I have explained it, and given her books to read about it.
Because of anxiety, my daughter has been going through a rough patch (a lot of which was due to relocating here to take care of grandmother). My daughter's anxiety is getting better and she wants and needs more social interactions, but my mom, the grandmother, keeps saying insensitive things to or around my daughter.

Example: We were all watching Wheel of Fortune. The winner won a big prize and several of us cried out a cheer. My daughter, in a light hearted way talked about how that was the reason she did not like to watch football, because she cannot deal with loud noises, and people randomly cry out cheers when they are watching football. Well, my daughter will not just make one comment, she will say the same thing over several times, but this is because she knows that her traits can be unusual, and she is VERY self-conscious. My mom, the grandmother, made comment of "Well, just deal with it" and then looked at me as if that were a joke or something.
And that is just one example. Sometimes it is just a critical look she gives my daughter.

I do not know how to respond to this type of comment or judgement from a family member, and I would just choose to not have my daughter spend time with her, but we are in situation where we cannot move back home for few more months. I have attempted many times to explain my daughter's situation to my mom, but she doesn't get it and keeps her view that my daughter just needs to "buck up" and be better or something.

ANY ADVISE??
very discouraged mom

Do you feel this is doing real damage to your daughter, or is just very annoying? Would you be willing to tell your mother that if she doesn't stop the snarky comments toward your daughter, the two of you will go home earlier than planned? What kind of help does your mother need? Could it be provided by another family member or by hiring someone temporarily?

I agree with Zette. I know how hard it is to change older folks who are set in their ways, and I don't know if you have ever had success or problems with drawing boundaries with her in the past, but I would at least try (unless you think it will goad her into worse comments) to tell her to tone it down with the critical comments and facial expressions. If it is not practical to threaten consquences then I would at least say something to her in response when she does something your daughter notices, so that your daughter knows you have her back.

I would also talk to your daughter and explain to her that old people can be stuck in their ways, and don't always know as much as they think they do, but that you are on your daughter's side.

Thanks for the advise. Due to other circumstances we can't leave until June.
I think I get angry that my mom doesn't see that she is adding to the problem and doesn't show compassion for what my daughter has to deal with on a daily basis. In tough times it would be nice to know your kids were safe (emotionally) with family members.
I am learning that is not always the way it is.

I will make sure my daughter knows I understand and support her.
And I will talk to mom again. We just have to be strong until we can go back home.
Thanks for the help & place to vent where people understand.

I have explained to my son that other people are ignorant and will sometimes say and do stupid things because of their ignorance. There are a number of people in his life who don't "get it." I know I will never get them to change. So, my approach is to rationally explain to my son why they behave the way they do and to help him to understand that the things they say and do reflect poorly on them, not on him. Could you do the same for your daughter? Help her understand that her grandmother is ignorant and that when she says stupid things, it reflects her ignorance, not some flaw in your daughter?

Excellent advise. While a lot of people seems to think AS can be insensitive I find the truth they speak very refreshing in this world of often empty or meaningless conversations.
My daughter is a lot more insightful than my mom and I am proud of who she is as a person.
Thanks again.

I would take grandma aside and tell her "I know this is your house but she is my daughter, and even though we are under your roof, we are under it because we came to help you. I want to help you but I cannot do it if I'm constantly worrying about how my daughter is feeling around here. I'm aware that you don't understand AS, and even though I'd like for you to, I don't expect you to but I do expect you to follow my guidelines when talking and interacting with her. This isn't a behavioral issue it's a neurological one. I need for you to bite your tongue and do things my way when it pertains to her or I will have to find us somewhere else to live for my daughters sake, and neither she nor I want that. You expect her to make a lot of immediate changes and adjustments without complaint, so you should be willing to make this one adjustment. "

Then stick to it. I think that once your mother sees that you are serious then she will comply. Tell her that she's perfectly welcome to offer you suggestions and give you her opinions at a time when you two are alone and out of your daughters hearing, but all decisions on how to handle her are yours.

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I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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