What the HELL is wrong with me???

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I'm so clumsy I keep pressing ONE button to delete my entire post....this has happened multiple times.

I can't seem to get my act together. I'm constantly irritable, edgy and anxious. Zero patience. Disorganized. Zero memory. (I'm so forgetful I can't remember what I can't remember...etc)

Always in a crisis because I'm so bad at relating w/ others. I have to worry about stuff like will I even have a roof over my head in a few months, things like that.

I can barely function. I keep hoping for a time when I can just feel peaceful, happy and enjoy myself for once... but I'M ALWAYS WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING or there is some IMPENDING REAL DOOM.

I'm generally paranoid about people, but maybe that paranoia is justified because my people skills really do suck

I have no patience and have a meltdown if I have to wait for anything. I'm so irritable because it seems like I can never enjoy myself. And I really don't have positive emotions, as much as emotional flatness when I'm not feeling like crap.

I also don't seem to benefit from therapy due to all of the "think positive" stuff. I can't force myself to think positive when the truth is actually quite gloomy, at least from my perspective!

My daily living skills suck.........my living space is a mess, and I dress like a bum. I just don't have energy to put into anything when my life is ruled by this horrific anxiety and paranoia. Actually, I'm not sure it is true paranoia because I mostly think people don't like me and will act in an uncaring manner. That's my paranoia - is it real?

Anyway, I would like to know why years of treatment haven't given me any coping skills at all and why I'm not benefiting from therapy?! !! !! My medication isn't helping -- nothing helps!

And when people try to help, I somehow p1ss them off......

What the HELL is wrong with me????? anyone relate?????

Dear tjr1243,

I know the place where you are. I know it far too well.

I used to live there.

I did an experiment once. I showered, put on my best clothes, and went to the new bar that had just opened a week earlier. I sat down at the only open seat at the bar and ordered a drink. By the time I finished my drink, the seats on either side of me were empty. These were the only empty seats at the bar. I couldn't understand why people didn't want to be around me.

It took me a very long time to understand that my non-verbal cues were telling people that I was angry and potentially violent. At one of the counseling centers I went to for help, three of four therapists did not want me in the building because they were afraid of me. Fortunately the fourth routinely did assessments for the state prison and was used to working around violent people. She recognized me as scared and stressed.

Pat was the first therapist who really helped me, because she was used to working with victims of trauma and abuse, and didn't just tell me, "If you look friendly, people will be friendly to you." She recognized that I had serious problems, and you may need to look for a therapist who will see the severity of your troubles.

I don't have any specific advice for you, except to maybe watch your caffeine intake. I know I had trouble concentrating and sleeping when I was trying to self-medicate with coffee and Coca-Cola.

I wish you great good luck and remain
Your friend,

Ikari Gendo

I am like that much of the time. I think some of it is from executive dysfunction, dysthymia and dissociation. Maybe you need a different kind of therapy. Have you always been like this or is this something new? I have my ups and downs. My ups still being in the negative range but not as bad as other times. I identify with most of what you said but the first sentence is the kind of thing that drives me over the edge.

I also go through cycles like this, except I do hit the positive notes on occasion. Most of the things we worry about will never happen, so I'll try to picture the absolute worst scenario and the actual chance of it happening. I also spend my time thinking of backup plans for different possible problems (if my car spontaneously implodes in the driveway, can I walk? Is there cab or bus service available?etc). I know it's almost impossible to keep your mind circling sometimes, but I do hope you find some peace.

Hang in there dude... I was in a similar place a couple days ago and I know I probably will be again (hell, maybe tomorrow). I have the same type of social paranoia that you describe and I think that's what really hits me the worst. The fact that just leaving the house is a scary experience most of the time drains me beyond belief. I also think my paranoia is actually pretty well-founded because it's based on my experiences over so many years. Not sure if that makes it paranoia or just common sense.

My daily living skills are also horrible and I am trying to shake a long-standing habit of drinking 3-6 beers per night just to cope. When I'm on a bad streak I live in filth and don't shower or brush my teeth regularly. Sometimes I don't eat all day just for the fact that procuring food is so f***ing stressful (yeah, I mean going to the grocery store or going to Wendy's is so stressful that I choose not to eat).

Anyways back to the issues at hand... I still struggle with taking basic care of myself most of the time but this morning I put on some music and cleaned the whole apartment. It gave me a sense of accomplishment and made me feel a little better about things, at least in the short-term. I think just forcing yourself to do stuff like this is the best idea sometimes. I might be afraid to go outside (what if my neighbors are having a cookout on their porch when I take the dogs out to pee?? That would be almost too much to cope with) but at least now I can be paranoid in a clean place. Small victories.

Not sure if that's helpful, but if nothing else I know exactly where you're coming from...

I have all the same symptoms, I would be glad to know the diagnosis and the solution too.