My mother might die soon. I feel like a terrible person

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My mother has been sick these past few months. She has went to the hospital to run numerous tests. They can't figure out what exactly is causing her symptoms. Her condition is getting worse and we fear that she may die soon. She said that I should spend time with mom [I almost never spend time with her. We live under the same room but rarely have any meaningful conversation]. My older sister (neurotypical) broke down in tears just after telling me that news. I was a poker face. When I went into my room and thought about the situation, the tears started to gradually come but I am fighting them back and wiping them away. I don't want anyone to see me like this. Not even myself. Because the only reason why I want her to live is because I want to still be able to depend on her when necessary. I live under my parents' roof. If she goes, then it's just my dad, whom I hate. My dad was never a good husband to her, he resents ever having kids and getting married to her. He is a good father in some respects and has done good fatherly deeds but a lot of that is due to her pressuring him. And even now in her ill health they constantly argue. I'm afraid that this is making things worse.

I feel guilty now because I don't want her to die for selfish reasons. For eg. I have a well-paying job for now but my contract expires mid-summer and I went through hell trying to get a job in my field in the first place because of how hard job interviews are for me and because I had a large employment gap on my resume at the time (I managed to finally get one because I knew someone in that company who got my foot in the door as a paid intern. And then after graduation they kept me on within the company). I worry that I may struggle to strike out independently (I'm saving money) after this job. So naturally I'm going to be especially worried over losing my mom during a time of uncertainty in my life when it's not like I'll ever have a quality relationship with my dad (I don't want to for obvious reasons). I never was really close to her. She always tells me that she loves me and mothers me a lot (way too much actually). She's very needy. And she sometimes guilt-trips me for getting upset when she oversteps her boundaries. I can understand why my dad gets fed up with her because she goes on these tantrums and gets all passive-aggressive. Though I feel like she is this way because of the way he's treated her.

Quite frankly I don't really feel like spending time with her and trying to become more close to her. I hate admitting this but it's the truth. My sister may be guilt-tripping me and perhaps maybe (hopefully this doesn't sound evil) her crying like that is really just an act. I don't have a good relationship with my sister either and have always felt that my sister may be full of it. It's always been hard for me to do the two-way thing in social relationships. I don't have a natural inclination towards it. It feels like an obligation rather than something I genuinely want to do. Though I've always wondered philosophically whether anyone really does have a natural inclination towards two-way relationships. Whenever I'm two-way with someone, it's because I am interested in what they can do for me. Whether neurotypicals are just better at faking it and pretending like they enjoy being bound by obligations when really the primary motivation is to satisfy self-interest and get what they want out of relationships.

*background information about parents' relationship. TL;DR cut-off*
I don't know if I'm being dramatic when I say this but he may have technically raped her depending on what you consider rape (she personally feels she was raped and I feel she was). When they were 18 he initiated sex and she said No. She wanted to wait until marriage (this was late 1960s rural Catholic Portugal). He blackmailed her by saying that if she doesn't let him have sex with her, he'd dump her. She was afraid that she'd be seen as damaged goods by future suitors if she dated a guy previously (this might not have been true even for 1960s rural Catholic Portugal. Keep in mind that my mom was very naive and raised religious. Poorly educated). So she let him. And then she got pregnant (with who would become my older brother). Then my father bailed. Until my paternal grandfather forced him to "man up" and marry her (shotgun wedding).

While married, when she would say "No I'm not in the mood", he'd threaten to divorce her. And because she already had a kid with him (and then later two more), she figured that no other man would ever want her because she'd definitely be "damaged goods" as a single mom. I guess it's a matter of him coming from an era and culture that says that a wife is obligated to sleep with her husband. But my mom resents him for it. She will argue with him about the most trivial things at times because she's still angry with him for the way he treated her throughout their marriage.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. I do believe that it is very important not to let anyone guilt trip you into feelings that you may or may not have. You will benefit from allowing yourself to feel whatever it is that you are feeling, and accepting it as OK. The grieving process is not straightforward, and does not proceed in a straightforward way. I lost my mother four years ago. We did not get along, and there were times when I wondered if I was even sad. I did weep the day she passed away, but after that I was OK. I did not go to her funeral because I didn't want to get any more upset than I was feeling already, plus there were toxic family members there that I didn't want to interact with, including a relative who had abused me as a child. I hope things get better for you soon, no matter what happens.

My father was quite abusive, and I was a mixture of indifferent and relieved when he died. I did cry some tears also, though not so much from loss of what was, as for loss of what never was.

Though my mother is in decent health she is getting up in years. It is a toxic relationship: when I see or talk with her she is critical, and then tries to guilt-trip me into seeing her more often. Rather twisted, that.

So one day in the not too distant future I will face something like what you are now going through. I would appreciate your continuing to let us know how this unfolds for you.

You are not a bad person for not feeling close to your mother.

You are not a bad person for being afraid of losing her because you rely on her.

If you find you cannot bring yourself to spend more time with her, that does not make you a bad person either.

I don't think you're a terrible person. You have a lot of stress now and your survival instinct is rearing its head.

I would ask yourself if she dies, would you regret years later not spending time with her? It is always a possibility, that later on you would regret not asking her questions about her life before you, ask her specific questions about when you were young, about her own parents or heritage, etc., even her hopes and dreams. The possibility, however remote, might exist that the regret might come. So if for nothing but your own peace of mind you could spend extra time over your present discomfort, it might give you extra comfort in your later years instead of regret. Perhaps getting to know your mother might be a window into knowing yourself a little better. After all, you are a product of your parents and wouldn't it be nice to know where certain parts of you came from? Whether it be talents, interests, a goofy sense of humor or otherwise... those are questions that only she could answer and you may lose that opportunity if you don't take advantage of it now before it's too late.

I know the pressure to conform or to do something uncomfortable may feel overwhelming, but the feeling of regret is also overwhelming. Your future will come no matter what. But once she is gone, her stories and knowledge go with her. The choice is always yours, but I think it would be quite noble of you to put in the effort and make it happen. Just my opinion.

I don't think not being close enough to your mother to be particularly upset by her death makes you a terrible person. Sometimes parents and children don't wind up close and there just isn't much love between them, so strong reactions don't follow.

However, I think you should spend time with your mother. Not necessarily to form a close bond, but just to be there and comfort her in what might be the last of her time on Earth after raising you. If we don't show kindness and generosity to ailing family, who do we show it to and how do we ensure that we're good people at all? Even the worst of people will show it when it's easy and benefits them. There's something to be said for caution with kindness and generosity, but this isn't a stranger in a dark alleyway asking for a hand with some "merchandise".

There's love the emotion and there's love the action. We are often self-motivated, but we're also aware enough to choose actions that will meet higher human goals.

She died. They had confirmed in early May that it was stomach cancer. Stage IV. She was losing a considerable amount of weight. She was an obese woman. But over the last year and a half she lost so much weight and ended up underweight. She was skin and bones basically. Her muscles were atrophying too. She had symptoms since January 2012 but she kept avoiding to get checked out. It wasn't until late last year or early this year (I think it was January of this year at the latest) that she actively sought help even though my family urged her to see a doctor. It wasn't until one day I saw her face either late last year or January of this year and noticed how much more aged and thin her face was that I went WTF and asked her what the hell was wrong. That was when she was already seeking treatment I believe. She wasn't eating much since January 2012. I feel guilty that I didn't urge her to go seek help then. She wasn't taking it seriously. So I wasn't giving anything much thought. It wasn't until I had that WTF moment when I saw her face earlier this year/late last year that I even really noticed that something was up.

Back in March/April, two different doctors told her that she was cancer-free. It wasn't until May that they found out that they got it wrong (very wrong, stage IV stomach cancer). She was too weak to go through chemotherapy. She was underweight and constantly losing weight. She was barely eating or drinking many calories. Since it's stomach cancer, the stomach can't expand. The tumour gets in the way. And apparently it was too late for surgery (which is the first option you take. Chemo is actually the secondary option if you can't take surgery. And if you can't even do chemo, you're dead). And the tumour makes the stomach unable to absorb much in the way of nutrients I think. And apparently you can't just attach a tube to her stomach and feed her that way in this condition. Because the stomach will reject it. And IVs are only really for hydration apparently? I was asking my family all these questions and they've basically told me that what I suggest can't be done and that it's too late for chemo. I'm not very knowledgeable about the subject but I'd like to think that the health care system would have done something (we have nationalized health care here so it's not that we couldn't afford treatment. It's covered by our taxes) if they could to save her. My boss's father survived stomach cancer. Did chemo. But I think they caught him just early enough. The husband of a friend of my father's also survived stomach cancer. So I keep wondering if something could have been done. Or if it was already too late when they found out.

I feel very angry with my mom's doctor. My mom saw her doctor every week to get a B12 injection. And you would think that after all that time, the doctor would have noticed something amiss. My mom was OBESE and ended up being UNDERWEIGHT over a span of a year and a half and my mom was not on any special diet or anything (she just couldn't eat very much and would throw up a lot of the food that she would eat. If you eat no more than a few hundred calories a day, you will lose a lot of weight eventually. Plain and simple. My mom had a super slow metabolism, a thyroid problem. My mom struggled to lose weight for decades. And then she loses all this weight! This doctor is a f*****g idiot for not knowing that something was amiss here. The b***h is too busy rushing out patients so that she can pocket more money to even notice) You would think the doctor of all people would notice something is up. They know the warning signs of stomach cancer and other serious illnesses. I don't. Unless general practitioners are just useless for that kind of thing.

Also angry with myself for not paying closer attention to her health. My life was basically wake up, go to work, come home, sit in front of my laptop or game console. Go out with friends. I feel like if I paid more attention to my mom, I would have noticed something was amiss earlier. I should have noticed the gradual weight loss and I wish I had known that the loss of appetite and the weight loss is a stomach cancer symptom. Instead of just having that WTF moment earlier this year where I look at her face and know something is wrong. And also angry that my mom didn't go to the doctor until it was too late. If it was me, I would have went to the doctor back in January. Because I love food and I know it's not healthy to not eat. Apparently she was afraid to go the doctor because she didn't want to be brought to the hospital and have to go through all of these uncomfortable tests where they put tubes down your throat and what not. My family had warned her to see her a doctor numerous times. I wish I had pushed for it. Maybe she would have listened to me. With all the crap in our family, my mom has said to me that I'm her favourite child. So if I told her to seek help, maybe she would have listened and have been able to do chemo or even surgery (if early enough) and survive.

I'm also angry at the Canadian health care system for how broken it is. She sought help since at least January 2013. At least. And they take months to diagnose her. Don't want to get into the whole private vs public, Canada vs US vs European health care debate. But when people say that the Canadian health care system is one of the best in the world, I want to spit in their face right now. It's a sick joke. How can you take that long to diagnose?

My mom wasn't even conscious when I got to the hospital yesterday. The last 1 on 1 conversation I had with her while she was still semi-coherent was around Friday at 1am-ish I think. The night before my contract at work ended (great timing eh?). I believe I had talked to her Friday evening as well but she was in a paranoid state (she was already paranoid a bit the night before). Thinking that she was next to a dead person in a hospital. When really she was at home at the time. She had lost her mind by that point. The paramedics took her to the hospital on Saturday. She wasn't conscious that day. When they carted her off, she opened her eyes for a second and saw me and then fell into a deep sleep a second later, snoring. I don't even know if she was conscious when she opened her eyes. I didn't visit her in the hospital on Saturday. I had hung out with friends because I was really depressed. And I didn't think she would die that weekend.

My family mentioned that there were moments that day where she was barely conscious and able to respond with slight gestures (like nodding of the head and what not or chewing ice cubes as she was dehydrated). But when I went to see her Sunday, she was totally out of it. I didn't know that she was going to die in a few hours. Before I was about to head out, the nurse informed us that she had a couple hours. So I decided to stay. I noticed that she had gripped my hand a bit a few times but I don't know if she was even aware of what was going on. Or if she knew I was there. I kept telling her that it was me. I told her that I loved her and kissed her.

Either just before she died/right when she died/shortly after death (hard to tell because her breathing was extremely shallow. It was unclear at the moment whether she still had a heart beat or if it stopped and the body was still going through the last motions), I had told her that I didn't want her to die. And a couple hours before in the hospital, I told her that I didn't want her to leave me with dad. My sister was chastising me for saying this because she wanted mom to die in peace. But that's how I truly felt. I broke down crying a lot after I told her I didn't want her to die. My dad, sister and uncle tried to calm me down. At that moment she could have been already dead or died just then. Then the nurse came in, checked her pulse, confirmed she was dead. My mom was still breathing a few minutes after death.

{{{feenie}}}

:hugs: