Hair Trauma

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Hi Everyone

I've been discussing this matter with a few fellow mums of girls with Aspergers and we've been swapping some great suggestions. But, I've now hit a brick wall and hope some of you might be able to help.

Hair combing is a source of major trauma every morning. My daughter has wavy/curly hair, but she has just few tangles. I use a leave-in conditioner on her hair and comb it with a tangle teezer, when it's wet, so that helps a lot. But, the good condition of her hair doesn't seem to matter. The trauma starts from the moment I touch her. I know, you're supposed to comb hair by starting at the bottom. So, I start off by attempting to gather the hair together in one hand, so I can hold it, to comb the ends first, then work my way up. Her hair is just past shoulder length, so some hair might be under her collar. Very gently, I'll lift the hair out and gather it together. But, just this action is enough to set her off. She screams that I'm pulling and hurting, when, honestly, I couldn't be more gentle.

I bought some macadamia nut oil and my intention was to gather the hair, smooth some oil through and leave it for a few minutes, before attempting to comb it. But, we never even got to the stage of getting the hair together before she was screaming the place down. Eventually I got her hair combed, with more screams, tears and protests. Then I put a hairband on her hair and, within 2 mins, she'd removed it. It's quite today windy (it's Scotland, it's nearly always windy), so I would have liked to tie her hair back in a ponytail, but I wouldn't even dream of attempting it today. I seldom do try to tie it back as, even if I do manage to get it done, she undoes everything by the time she's going into school. So, this morning, when she got to school, her hair was all over her face. She looks like I've not even bothered, when that's so far from the truth that I could cry.

I understand that light touch might be worse for her than a more firm touch, but I don't think it seems to matter to her what I do. I've tried being a bit firmer, but this has the same effect. I'm sorely tempted to take her to the hairdresser to get it cut off. But, she loves her hair to be long, my Mum is furious at the suggestion and I like how it looks too. I'm not even sure if this would help, as I'd still need to touch her hair and she doesn't seem to be traumatised because of the length of the hair, other than the fact that it gets under her collar and I need to fish it out. The other thing is that she's a tomboy, which I'm fine with. But, other people aren't so open minded. If she got her hair cut off, that would be one more thing for them to tease her at school about, I'm sure of that.

I'd be grateful for any advice. Thanks.

I hated hair-combing when I was a kid, and still never comb my hair. If having messy hair doesn't bother her, why don't you just let it be? Aspie kids (and adults for that matter) aren't usually that interested in appearance.

I use lots of conditioner, detabgling spray and a tangle teezer. The one thing that makes a difference though is whn its been trimmed, I did it recently and I forget how much easier it is after trimming, and it looks so much nicer too. My daughter has long straight hair but its very fine hair. She rubs her head on things so it gets very fuzzy at the front right by the roots, its a nightmare to get her to sit still enough to brush it.

With curly, wavy hair you can often get away with combing it with fingers, depending on the size of the curl, poofy hair can hide quite a bit of imperfections. (Think 1980's hair without the perm, and not quite as poofy)

My son hates a comb or brush. I can get away with a brush sometimes, but not on a daily basis. I have had to spend a great deal of effort in desensitizing him to finger combing, even. When he was very little I would slowly touch his hair for a little bit, just a lock at a time, and I eventually desensitized him to where I can touch his hair without him reacting to it. (It evolved from crying to, telling me it hurt, to just looking at me like I was doing something weird, to no reaction) We use a combo shampoo-conditioner for kids that works pretty well for his hair, but it is a boy style.

I don't know how sensitive your child is, but if she can tolerate finger combing, I would go with that. It does work for longer hair, and it might be less a teasing target than a short cut.

P.S --Your daughter reminds me of me as a girl, I was also a tomboy with long hair, who did not care for combing --- once you get her desensitized a bit, maybe try a different brush (no comb). They make brushes that are really big with nylon bristles with balls on the end that are attached to a soft surface, on the brush like a shock absorber) Later I will look for a link to a picture) They look ridiculous, like you would use it for a horse mane for an overly sensitive horse, but I tolerate it well, and my son can bear it sometimes.

Yeah, you'll have to go slow. I know that is frustrating. How does she do, with letting you pet her hair? That is how I had to start because he would freak when I would move his hair. Petting is gentler, because she won't feel her hair move at the base, so much, but yet it desensitizes. I started with small areas and worked to larger ones. I know it won't help in grooming, so much as help desensitize.

My almost-five year old son and I both have sensory issues, especially with hair. The things that have helped are:

1. Let her be in control of the process as much as possible. Try doing it in front of the mirror so she can see. Point out interesting stuff about her hair in the mirror. Teach her to comb her hair with her fingers (she might take the job over successfully, in time). My son and I will both panic if we feel out of control of something touching us.

2. Explain in great detail (the more the better) what the purpose and goal of fixing her hair is. Explain about oil distribution from scalp to tips, the history of hair care, society's expectations and the pros and cons of them, differences for males and females, what her school expects, etc. "Looking nice" is probably meaningless, but "people will see your hair fixed this way and they will respect that you took the time to do this" will help her understand. Then answer questions about WHY people care about appearance, etc. The more specific you can be the more she will be able to understand. Or if she has a different way of thinking adapt this to that. Basically if you can help her understand the point AND make it interesting she will forget she hates it and become involved in the process.

3. Show her educational videos (youtube is great for this) on how hair works, what it's comprised of, exotic hairstyles, etc.

4. Make her hair a little shorter to make it easier. I know my hair doesn't tangle if it's just above shoulder length. Be careful about "shocking" her with any major changes (a mirror helps during hair cuts too). My mom cut six inches off my hair when I was five, and it took me a decade to get over it (not constant grieving or anything lol, but I kept bring it up about the lost potential of my hair growth).

5. Finger comb her hair while she's involved in something else, like a TV show, a video game, breakfast, whatever she likes and finds distracting.

6. Bribe her. You won't have to do it forever, but it can help her get past something that troubles her. I have started paying my son a quarter every time he puts his shoes on when I ask him to, and it's the only thing that has made him willing to touch them.

Anyway, just a few ideas. Everyone is different, but they might be worth a try. It's awful having your child act like you're killing them when you're only trying to help.

I just read where you said you already keep it trimmed, so ignore that advice.

My other son has really curly hair, and all I do is wash it lightly once a week and then lightly dampen it in the mornings and kind of "scrunch" it and so far that seems to be enough. You have more experience with curly hair than I do though, since mine is wavy. I wouldn't worry about washing it or doing more than absolutely necessary. Looking presentable is the only thing that really matters at this point. I used to feel so guilty that I didn't wash my kids hair more often, until I realized that there was no point in torturing all of us when no one could tell anyway.

I hope you find a solution for this. I'm still trying to figure out the shampoo thing with my son. I might take my own mirror advice since I just realized I never tried that.

A couple thoughts:
You could give her a really cute little girl cut, like where they leave the front longer but cut the back real short. If it were a stylish short cut it wouldn't look so boyish and you could probably get away with hardly combing/brushing it at all.

If you leave it long, will she tolerate a french braid or braids? I remember as a girl in the summertime my sister would braid my long hair fairly tightly (not quite cornrows but close) and I would leave it that way for a few days at a time.

With my DS and haircuts we finally found a formula that works, he watches Minecraft videos on the iPad while the hairdresser trims his hair (as short as we can get it). It's still a little bit of difficulty as the little hairs are so itchy but while he is distracted by the video (it's also the only time I let him watch Minecraft videos on Youtube) she can get his hair done pretty quickly. So maybe there is something special she can watch on the computer or the TV that is reserved for only when you are doing her hair? For it to be effective, you probably need to make it something that she ONLY gets to see/do at hair combing time.