Do you notice your impolite behavior yourself?

Post Reply New Topic

What I mean by "impolite behavior" is saying things that are not appropriate in the given situation. Do you think it's highly dependent on the culture whether your behavior gets pointed out or not?

I have to admit, that I'm not very social so I don't have a good sample size. However, in the past I occasionally got told about saying something rude (although I had thought it would be okay in the situation). I can't remember a single case like that from about the last five years though. But I can recall many situations where I have said something and made the whole room (or car) quiet. At those moments (like today) I usually want to sink in the bottom of an ocean.


Any similar experiences?

If I'm going to notice I've said something wrong, it'll be as I'm saying it or just after; if I knew it was wrong to say it before I said it, I wouldn't have done. For example, a woman the other day told me she liked my overalls and where did I find them and would they have them in her size? I responded that they'd definitely have them in her size as I was so tiny it was hard for me to find anything that fit, "because everything is so enormous". She was larger than average, and it didn't occur to me until I'd said it that she might think I was calling her fat! Fortunately I don't think she noticed, because it would have been very awkward if she had!

As an adult, hardly anybody points this stuff out to me anymore, I can think of things I maybe did wrong in hindsight or notice obvious negitive reactions however even when I pick up on something I don't always know if the reaction is negitive or positive, my social hindsight is not very good and even poorer at judgeing the severity of my possible impoliteness. I can only make a wild guess how meny mistakes I make in a givin day that go not noticed.

(Sorry if this is kind of extremely scattered and hard to read, garbage trucks are outside and ADD meds have 100% worn off!)
Usually in obvious cases I do notice right away, right after, or right as I've said the words but didn't think through what was coming out of my mouth... word diarrhea I guess...?

between all of my issues I don't usually talk to people, but when I do I am extremely awkward. I have no control over volume and will talk too loud or far too quite, I don't usually understand what is being asked of me right away so I answer weirdly, I get nervous and blurt the first thing that comes to mind or I get the deer in headlights look...

When I say something, I never mean to be mean to people!
When I say something I am usually quite mortified with what I have just said.

a few years ago I managed to get a friend, sadly she has since moved though. she was very understanding.
EX of talking:
- I accidentally called her fat (she is 5'4 and 260+ pounds...) I was mortified(I finally made a friend, then I went and called her fat), I didn't realize what I said until it was out. I immediatley started appologizing before she even processed what I'd said. she brushed it off. I am not the smallest person either, we made it our little joke to call eachother names jokingly.

She is awesome. she knows how awkward I am, and I confessed how I want to be social and everything, I just always messed it up. so in public situations she would sort of help me speak...
what I mean:
- we would be somewhere and someone would talk to me or her. she would either make sure to include me in her conversation, or help me through mine
- she would set up an "outline" for me
- "So, did you wan to tell them about/how ____?"
- "didn't you say something about ____?"
- etc. and sort of lead me through it
There is hope for all of us to find at least one great person like her!

A lot of the time I will be somewhere with family and they will give me the look that I have come to know as the "SHUT THE F*CK UP" look... it is really obvious and easy to read. they do it when I say or do something wrong.

other than *saying* something rude, I don't mean to, but I get very easily distracted, zone out, take forever to process what was said or asked, etc. and people take that as rude... (and I sometimes will zone out at the most awkward times and stare intently as something random off into space not actually processing what I am looking at... and while sitting down you are right at crotch/butt height...)

other times my voice inflection comes out at sarcastic or rude.

HOWEVER
no matter what, I have a good memory and always look back and think how it could have come across, or what they must think, etc. it is exhausting! I wish I didn't do it, because as I've been told, NTs/most people won't think back about it or knit-pick at details like I do, and when I do it I get very mad at myself and then get embarassed to be around that person.

In short:
- I often I can tell right away or within minutes of saying something if it was rude.
- I don't always however, but I do remember it for a very, very long time and find it upsetting/get upset with myself.

Maybe I should vote no because I can't think of too many examples of me saying something impolite. I notice when I'm interrupting someone while I'm doing it so I end up saying one syllable and then stopping which is still awkward but at least I don't keep talking over the person.

The few times I've noticed myself saying something inappropriate are the only ones I know of. Either I noticed it as I was saying it or I noticed the reaction other people gave once I had said it and then I realized what was wrong two seconds after. So either I notice it every time at a point where it is too late or I don't notice it but I never find out so I just think I'm noticing it every time.

If I don't realize it within the first five seconds after the fact I never realize it in hindsight. If I notice it at all I do while it is happening.

Most of the time, yes.

I'm not so oblivious as to not see it, but often I can say things that are not appropriate or be a little loud, I also often say things that seem mean without meaning to (just ask my Mr). I also realise when I'm being ignorant, such as by not answering a person...I don't always mean it, it's like temporarily going non-verbal.

Strangely worded question. Do you mean something that someone else takes the wrong way, even if it is true? - this is hardly impolite, maybe blunt, or they are just oversensitive..

Rude: definitely impolite.

You can say something ambigious - which they can take the wrong way if it's said in jest, or be offended if you meant it to be taken that way (but if course you can say it was said in jest).

Or context and voice dependent: Here you can call someone "an old bastard" and it can be friendly, or nasty.

Sometimes I do and sometimes I don't. Sometimes I'll interrupt someone and then realize it and think "sh*t" I interrupted again" right afterwards. Occasionally someone will get upset at me for something that I said or start arguing vehemently against it and I'll somehow realize that I asked a really personal question or made a comment about something really personal and realize that it was probably inappropriate and I most likely screwed up again. Then sometimes I piss people off or people no longer want to talk to me and I have no idea why or I find out months later that something I said offended someone (maybe a family member) and I'll have no idea how what I said was offensive. When I'm with my mum t she'll point out the social mistakes that I make though (if she's paying attention).

I got lectured today by an old acquaintance because of this issue. I tell you, we aspies can't win.

I was thinking about the scenario below:

You applied for a job at your local gym and you managed to get to a job interview. When you arrive at the gym, your interviewer is finishing her daily training. After introducing yourself you try to make small talk:

You: "You look to be in pretty good shape for being in your 50s."
Ms. Interviewer: "Actually I'm 32."

Ms. Interviewer shows only little reaction and doesn't tell you to "get out of my gym". You complete the interview at the back office.


Would you notice it? You tried to be nice but you missed her real age pretty badly. You shouldn't even have started guessing her age.

Usually not until after I've done it. I try hard to be outgoing and friendly but I'm almost always perceived as weird or rude. Lately I've just given up. People won't like me anyways, so why try?

not really. i always feel that my behavior is justified. i have considered the question you posed for about 20 minutes, and i have drawn a few personal conclusions from my consideration.

my main problem is impatience. it is not the sole reason why i could be considered rude, but it is the main one.
if i am hindered in my intentions, i assess the "unavoidability" of the "incurrence" of what hinders me, and i search carefully for human faults that may be intrinsic to the hindrance. if i find any fault, i become quite difficult, and i find it hard to maintain a civilized decorum.

an example from about 3 weeks ago is this.....

i was in a small supermarket (a local one), and i had selected from the shelves what i wanted, and at the end of my selection process, i chose a plastic 2 litre container of milk from the refrigerator adjacent to the counter (milk must always be the last thing selected in my shopping basket because i am paranoid about it's temperature rising to an unacceptable degree (7 degrees celsius ambient temperature for any amount of time is enough for me to throw it away).

as i was walking to the counter (with only one check out girl) a fat woman with 2 baskets full of groceries was in in front of me and i was initially patient. but my patience was rapidly eroded (like i piece of chalk tied to a piece of string and dangled over niagra falls).

i was worried about the milk and i was watching the girl scan the woman's products like a hawk (obviously a hawk would not know the importance of what it was seeing in that context, and there is yet anther interpretation)

on multiple occasions, the scanner did not read the bar code correctly, and the girl had to manually enter the plu code to proceed. this was annoying to me, but i felt that it was not a fault of anyone in the vicinity, so i held my consternation with me.

i started to become annoyed at the amount of products in her 2 baskets that were both filled to the brim. she just stood there with her back to me and she was gluttonously unaware that i was experiencing a rising level of impatience.

i had to get my milk back into a fridge at the soonest possibility, and if it takes more than 5 minutes to get the milk back into my fridge, then i lose my respect for it.

when the buffoon of a checkout girl had waded through the swamp of "unreadable" bar codes and other chinks, she told the fat woman how much she owed for the products she had in her bags. the fat woman then fumbled around to find her purse!! !!

i said " oh for f**k's sake!!" at that point, and both the woman in front of me and the cashier were more interested in me than in each other. i just needed to bypass the slug in front of me and buy the milk in 5 seconds and leave her to dawdle through her troubles.
_____________________

the second most common accusation that asserts that i am "rude", is when i refuse to share with someone why i think what i think.

example:

person: what do you think of the color of my new car?
me: i don't like it.
person: what? why?
me: because i don't.
person: there must be a reason why you don't like it.
me: yes and that reason is because i don't like it.
person: but there must be a reason you don't like it!! !!
me: ok. i will give you another reason that i do not like it....it is "not my cup of tea". maybe you can understand that better.


i am also considered rude because i refuse to occupy the overlapping thresholds that my life shares with so many other people.
they seem boring to me.

There are times I haven't been able to tell, until I see a negative reaction from the other person. Sometimes it will occur to me after the fact. Sometimes it seems like everything out of my mouth is going to offend someone, and my only remedy is to retreat and regroup. These are usually my tired/off days, but I could be completely oblivious for the rest of them.

I notice it in obvious cases and sadly often only in retrospect.

Well, I notice the reaction, and if I'm lucky I can figure out which of things I recently said or did pissed people off. I'm not sure if that's a yes or a no to your question.

I usually notice it too late.