What if being yourself isn't the best option.

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CockneyRebel
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15 Jan 2007, 12:53 pm

I've heard it many times bofore from my mum. "Just be yourself and people will like you". Well, that's what I've been doing here, for the past twelve months and a bit. I've found that it's not always the best option, if you want to be friends with people. I find that I need to start being all things to all members. Talk about what they want to talk about, instead of going on my tangents about Vintage 1954 - 2005 London. I've had a whole year to expose my bleeding heart. Now it's time that I go back to my pre - 2006 habits, post about the Routemaster between every three days and three times a day, like I did with Austin Powers and Carnaby Street, durring my first months here, between 2004 and the end of 2005. My coming username will motivate me to be able to do that. "Just be yourself and people will like you", was a saying that was made-up by a person who couldn't have much, no matter how much they've tried.



alex
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15 Jan 2007, 12:58 pm

It seems like being yourself has worked generally online. Most people here like you.

However, I think it's great that you want to become interested in other member's issues and interests.

In the real world, "being yourself" is a complicated process that involves a whole lot more than the "be yourself" saying would lead you to believe. I believe this simplification causes confusion. I think the statement is misleading because it implies that "being yourself" means "do whatever you want" which sounds like a good idea, but generally gets you into trouble.


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logitechdog
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15 Jan 2007, 1:03 pm

Well to be yourself is true but you got to learn to negotiate a little, means other words you don't need to lie or fake yourself or go out of your way for people to like you, people who care don't matter but people who matter don't care...

As in the end you will slip up and start to slip up more....

Here is something you might not think people like you but really ou need to work on picking up signs that someone does, as in a blind person will make his other sensors higher, unless you find (I) types that have learned to negotiate....

signals are they and I sure I can show you them and you can start banging your head off the wall for missing them lol



Last edited by logitechdog on 15 Jan 2007, 1:14 pm, edited 3 times in total.

Tim_Tex
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15 Jan 2007, 1:05 pm

I constantly feel that I have to pretend to be somebody else in order for people to like me. And it upsets me very much.

Tim


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SteveK
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15 Jan 2007, 1:18 pm

Well, I decided long ago that I couldn't "be myself". I've actually been trying to fool MYSELF for decades.

I USED to be stubborn. Frankly, I couldn't even EAT today if I kept the same standards, etc... I'm starting to be more dmeanding again.

I USED to be a perfectionist. With everyone else around being PERFUNCTORY if you're lucky? NO THANKS! I'll try to be a little better.

I USED to be brash. This doesn't help make friends or influence people. I should be more assertive. 8-(

I USED to sound more arrogant. NOW I will actually act STUPID sometimes and let others "discover" something I told them about years or even seconds earlier. I will try to get back more to like I was.

I USED to have more tangential speech. One person at my last job tried to use it to usurp MY place! NO THANKS! I will try to blend this back in with more purpose.

Steve



KurtmanJP
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15 Jan 2007, 1:18 pm

I have absolutely NO CLUE what "normal" means anymore. It's cool to be yourself.


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alex
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15 Jan 2007, 1:20 pm

SteveK wrote:
I USED to sound more arrogant. NOW I will actually act STUPID sometimes and let others "discover" something I told them about years or even seconds earlier. I will try to get back more to like I was.

Steve


people who sound arrogant are generally regarded as foolish by those around them. I don't think excessive arrogance is ever a positive trait.


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calibaby
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15 Jan 2007, 1:32 pm

I have heard the be yourself line before. the problem is no one knows my true self except me.
everyone only knows the "talk about myself" self.

I really want them to get to know ME someday.



CockneyRebel
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15 Jan 2007, 1:36 pm

calibaby wrote:
I have heard the be yourself line before. the problem is no one knows my true self except me.
everyone only knows the "talk about myself" self.

I really want them to get to know ME someday.


I think the people here know me, a little too well. :lol:



SteveK
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15 Jan 2007, 1:48 pm

alex wrote:
SteveK wrote:
I USED to sound more arrogant. NOW I will actually act STUPID sometimes and let others "discover" something I told them about years or even seconds earlier. I will try to get back more to like I was.

Steve


people who sound arrogant are generally regarded as foolish by those around them. I don't think excessive arrogance is ever a positive trait.


Actually, I have seen a lot of things listing it as an aspie trait. I wasn't actually arrogant. I've always realized that on even the simplest thing nobody really knows everything. Sound a LITTLE too sure, and speak on too many subjects, and somebody is BOUND to consider you arrogant.

Anyway, as I said I now just ignore it. People will, to redo work I told them I already did, actually ask me stupid questions that have NO valid answer, and expect me to answer. They are either deaf, stupid, or calling me a liar. I generally just try to stay out of it. 99% of the time they give up and tell me what I told them as if it was some new revelation THEY came up with. I bet that starts to sound arrogant. Hey, I'm just stating fact. Every now and then, and it probably IS like 1% of the time, they DO find a new way. In such a case, I am often humbled, and will act appropriately. I am the kind of person that can laugh, and HAS laughed, at himself. I will congratulate a just victor.

Anyway, whatever the intent of your post, hopefully this puts things into a better light. Even here(on this forum), I may have sounded arrogant at times, but I am likewise humbled at others. I owe some of my improved feelings and even getting back more to my roots to this site, and I thank you for that.

I will NEVER look at a person sucking his/her thumb, flapping, etc... the same way ever again. Some where in the back of my mind will be ARE they always like that. What is going on behind the scenes, etc...

And to you, and anyone else that may be reading this, I know most on this site probably seem physically normal most of the time. Many may even seem so ALL of the time. I'm simply saying that I now realize that isn't always the case. It's almost like that blank stare that I never looked down at because I do the same thing. I won't look down on an idea SIMPLY because a YOUNG person came up with it because others did to me.

Steve



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15 Jan 2007, 2:31 pm

If I was to "Be Myself" at school, I would get into a lot of trouble. :|

Then again, I don't pretend to be someone else. :?



Tim_Tex
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15 Jan 2007, 2:36 pm

What kind of women like guys who are average-framed, like animated sitcoms, and are career-oriented and know what they want in life, and are socially liberal?

Tim


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Cataleptic
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15 Jan 2007, 3:17 pm

For my part, I don't think that the phrase 'be yourself' is helpful on its own. All too often, 'be yourself' has an invisible clause '... and never change', which is counter-productive IMHO.

I think a person should be themselves, because all too often the stress and uncertainty of pretending to be otherself causes more problems than it solves... but we're not immutable entities. I never hurts to examine yourself and set about reconfiguring some of they ways you do things. You can often gain a lot of traction with some fairly minor tweaks.

For instance, I never used to say 'hello' or 'goodbye' to people... it struck me as utterly redundant. When I finally discovered that people actually like being helloed and goodbyed, I made myself do it. I still find it a minor irritation to have to perform such a silly verbal ritual (and I often forget :) ), but it seems to have yielded a disproportionate payoff.



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15 Jan 2007, 3:53 pm

The thing is to find the golden balance between "being yourself" and adapting to society. If you try too hard at adapting, people will see throught it and you will look desperate. The trick is to show whats special about you to others while maintaining a certain "normalcy". Many aspies like to talk about their obsessions for hours(me included). There is nothing wrong about talking about obsessions. Bring up the routemaster topic when the situation calls for it so it blends in naturally in the conversation. THEN, the trick is knowing when to stop, which is something I struggle with myself. SOmetimes I fall into the trap of not knowing when people are fed up with my music theory talk. And then they get bored and says something like "Enough already!" or whatever.

Everything in life is like Yin and Yang. The world courses towards chaos constantly so we must struggle to keep the equilibrium. This is appliable to any situation.

A trick in social interaction is showing interest in what the other person thinks. Babbling about yourself for hours makes you look selfish(I know, NTs are no good!) so be sure to show interest in the opposing parts views.

Good luck!



SteveK
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15 Jan 2007, 3:57 pm

Revenant wrote:
Babbling about yourself for hours makes you look selfish(I know, NTs are no good!) so be sure to show interest in the opposing parts views.


WELL, that IS how AUTism got its name!

Steve



Elsie
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15 Jan 2007, 8:17 pm

I actually am more popular if i'm someone else, online anyway.
in person, i don't think i could handle popularity. too much pressure.

i'm only myself when i'm alone. i've worn an NT mask for so long i can't even tell who I am anymore.

when i'm not wearing it, i'm alone...but happy. Lonely but happy.

when i am wearing it, i'm not comfortable and it shows, people tend to shrug me off and i let them

it sucks cuz i'm actually very out going and funny and one of those hugger types.

how can a person be themself if they're preconditioned to be something else?

i don't have any real obsessions, so i don't have anything to talk about lol.
but then, most of my social situations as an adult have been at bars where the music is loud, or somewhere that i'm singing..so talking comes in dribbles just to fill the void.