Do you find other aspies are easier to be friends with?

Page 1 of 3 [ 38 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2, 3  Next

Russell2
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 3
Location: Palmerston North, New Zealand

30 Apr 2013, 9:33 pm

Hello,

I'm moving from New Zealand to Melbourne in the next few days, and I know no one in Melbourne. One thing I've been pondering is whether I should seek out other aspies to form friendships (and to have as room-mates). I have a really close group of friends here in NZ, they all get that I'm odd, accept my social issues, and just generally get me in a loving kind of way. However, as close as we are, like family, they are all NT's (as far as I can tell) and so there is a pervasive feeling of being cut off from them and not being able to completely relate. It kinda sucks.

I'm not too worried about making NT friends, I have a pretty suave social mask, I've got a lot of social rules down, and tend to come across as very inviting and confident to other people. However, my mask tends to slip off after a while and the change in character from seemingly really onto it to coming across as weird freaks some people out and then they run off. I think its the inconsistency in my social expression that makes people think I'm being dishonest or something.

What I've been wondering is whether I would feel more connected with other aspies, whether I would be able to let my social mask rest in their company and still experience strong friendships and shared interests. I wondered what experience others here had with this. I'm kind of worried that with other aspies our shared social inabilities would make communication even more difficult than that between me and an NT. Can any of you shed some light on this?

Thanks for any advice, Russell.



Oneiros
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker
Yellow-bellied Woodpecker

User avatar

Joined: 18 Apr 2013
Gender: Male
Posts: 59
Location: Sydney

01 May 2013, 8:54 am

Russell2 wrote:
I'm kind of worried that with other aspies our shared social inabilities would make communication even more difficult than that between me and an NT.


That has been my experience so far.



Tyri0n
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 24 Nov 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Male
Posts: 2,879
Location: Douchebag Capital of the World (aka Washington D.C.)

01 May 2013, 12:27 pm

Not really. The potential for personality conflicts has been higher in my experience.

Cases where the aspie is just a more poorly developed version of an NT particularly irritate me. When aspies try to lecture me on social rules that I violate on purpose, it irritates me. When other aspies claim that my obsessions are ridiculous and less cool than theirs, it irritates me. Dealing with other people's sensory issues can also irritate me in some circumstances since I am mostly hyposensitive, not hypersensitive, to most things. Dealing with aspies steeped in so-called aspie or geek culture also irritates me.

Basically, if the person on the spectrum is just like me, yes, it's great. I have been talking with a member from WP who seems to meet this characteristic. Otherwise, I'd much rather be friends with certain NT's. I am officially diagnosed with Asperger's, but I have other possibly abnormal traits that outweigh any aspie traits, so being around people who are compatible with these traits is important.



MjrMajorMajor
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 15 Jan 2012
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,619

01 May 2013, 1:01 pm

Depends on the Aspie. I meshed well with one who was extremely blunt and straightforward about everything. A lot of people thought he was a jerk, but I always enjoyed his company. He found a way to arrange his world to suit his needs other than the other way around.
Others I find confusing, and much more challenging. I have a hard time tiptoeing around other sensitivites, and end up feeling railroaded. I guess it never hurts to try, but I'm not holding my breath for anyone (AS or NT).



Last edited by MjrMajorMajor on 01 May 2013, 2:02 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Summer_Twilight
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Sep 2011
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 3,832

01 May 2013, 1:44 pm

I have connected with both NT and Aspies but the ones who I have seemed to keep things together with are others right on the spectrum than not. These are the people who share similar issues to you and you can help each other out in so many ways.

There might be things that you might not be aware of and by being around your friends who grown in one way, then you will learn from them.

As for the NT part, I have connected with them but I feel like there is this wall between us but that is maybe because most of their IQ's are only around 100 which is at an average and I am soring above them in so many ways. Maybe that is true for you too.

They also have not been properly educated about people on the spectrum either due to a list of stereotypes and socialization drama that society puts out.

I have had my mask come off countless times and I have attempted to invite NT people to things and it is almost as if everything else that is important in their lives over me appeals to them. Others in my circle of friends had that problem too.

I had even associated with a girl who was evidently misdiagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and while that was the case, she was my friend and a support system. Then she got another apparent diagnosis. It was as if she graduated from our world and over to the NT one. She decided that I was too "Low functioning" for her and that people like me could not get into the military but she now could. Like any NT, she did not have time to be there for me anymore. Basically she was wearing an AS mask and it came off or so I thought.

In fact some of my others friends in my support system spent time with her and felt like she was on the spectrum while others felt like she had Bi-Polar Disorder.



AgentPalpatine
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jun 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,881
Location: Near the Delaware River

01 May 2013, 1:49 pm

Tyri0n wrote:
Dealing with aspies steeped in so-called aspie or geek culture also irritates me.


How "steeped" are we talking about? I'd rather discuss Chevron deference than computers, but I'm not sure if that would meet your criteria.


_________________
Our first challenge is to create an entire economic infrastructure, from top to bottom, out of whole cloth.
-CEO Nwabudike Morgan, "The Centauri Monopoly"
Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri (Firaxis Games)


Uprising
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jan 2012
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,908

01 May 2013, 2:15 pm

I seem to be getting along well with "mixtures".



Cilantro
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 7 Apr 2013
Age: 31
Gender: Female
Posts: 450
Location: Minnesota, USA

01 May 2013, 5:54 pm

I think you won't need to worry so much about your social mask with other Aspies and should seek some out just to see how it goes. However, there might be a different clash in personalities and behavior since we come in so many shapes and sizes, some of which you might not enjoy being around.

I've found that tolerant or eccentric NTs work better for me and I don't really need a social "mask" with them. I haven't met many Aspies locally, and there are just so many more NTs that it's easier to find people I mesh with as far as sense of humor, interests, and general disposition goes. Maybe it would be easier now that everyone's older.



Russell2
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 24 Feb 2013
Age: 32
Gender: Male
Posts: 3
Location: Palmerston North, New Zealand

02 May 2013, 11:57 pm

"I've found that tolerant or eccentric NTs work better for me and I don't really need a social "mask" with them."

This is actually something I've found too. I find I'm much more expressive around more eccentric NTs, I guess because i don't feel I have to filter any of my own personal weirdness that may creep out. I guess I have the hardest time relating to really 'normal' NTs who are not at all weird.



swordsncarrots
Emu Egg
Emu Egg

User avatar

Joined: 6 Feb 2012
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 3

13 May 2013, 10:58 pm

For me it really depends. I've hit it off really well with other aspies before, especially if they are eccentric and passionate, but I have actually been extremely uncomfortable around others. I'm a girl, so I've known some guy aspies who kind of stalked me and wouldn't get the hint that I wanted my own space and it was just really stressful. I find that a lot of guy aspies can be kind of misogynistic and get scarily angry if a girl doesn't want to go out with him but unfortunately but maybe that's just my situation.

So yeah it depends.



aleclair
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 18 Oct 2006
Age: 30
Gender: Male
Posts: 457
Location: Brooklyn NY

14 May 2013, 8:10 pm

I've found -- at least in my experience -- Aspies can be pretty brutal to each other. I went to a summer camp for people on the spectrum back in high school and it became "Lord of the Flies" at some points with the amount of ostracism going on. There were no more than 15 of us and yet within a week, the "popular kids" and "unpopular kids" materialized out of nowhere; same with the "bullies" and "bullied". I did this camp for three years and somehow found myself in all four of those pigeonholes at some point (for being a "bully" I have vague memories but seem to be unable to remember precisely why... the others I remember a bit more clearly). It was almost completely dependent on the social structure of the kids each year.

I have always suspected that since we've often been bullied so much, it's simply a pattern we're familiar with and one that inadvertently recurs in an all-Aspie microcosm.

But also, in the spirit of this thread, maybe another theory is that since everyone in these all-Aspie groups isn't putting on a "mask" constantly, not filtering things by "normal" standards, it was easier for some people's mean sides to show?



lostgirl1986
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 28 Feb 2012
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 6,418
Location: Ontario, Canada

15 May 2013, 11:37 am

For me it depends how much their autism affects them and what quirks they have to be blunt. With some aspies I can relate with them better than neurotypicals and with some aspies I find it really hard to get close to them or talk to them. I think it depends where you are on the spectrum and where they are and also everybody aspie or not have different personalities just like every other human being.



AgentPalpatine
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 9 Jun 2007
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,881
Location: Near the Delaware River

15 May 2013, 1:08 pm

People are people, Aspies, NTs, Daughters of Valyaria, etc.

I do find it easier to communicate with Aspies, since the communication style is effectively the same as mine. I'm not sure if that's what OP is asking about.


_________________
Our first challenge is to create an entire economic infrastructure, from top to bottom, out of whole cloth.
-CEO Nwabudike Morgan, "The Centauri Monopoly"
Sid Meier's Alpha Centauri (Firaxis Games)


Grevesy
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 30 Apr 2013
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Posts: 80

18 May 2013, 8:12 am

I've only 'known' one other person with Asperger's and he had far greater difficulties with life than I did. He was particularly prone to meltdowns. I didn't know what to do in those situations so I avoided interacting with him.

Like some of the other posters, I've found I get along well with some eccentric NTs, particularly those who share similar interests with me. They tend to be more accepting of my quirks than others, although they don't always take my requests seriously (I dislike being touched but one of them is always trying to touch my hair and keeps telling me I should grow it? Weird!).

My best friend, whom I met at uni (although we weren't friends until the end of first year because neither of us are very social), is mildly OCD and has a few AS traits. We get on well together, because our differences cover each other's weaknesses. Also, we are similar enough that we understand each other without having to say much which is a relief. Recently we were out with his relatives sightseeing, but the social strain was too much and I wanted to go sit by myself for a while, which he realised and offered to take his relatives away and meet up with me later.

As AgentPalpatine has said, people are people. I think it's lucky to find those who understand and accept you.


_________________
ISTJ / ASQ = 37/50
AQ = 143/200 NT = 62/200
?Perhaps one did not want to be loved so much as to be understood.? George Orwell, 1984


minervx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 13 Apr 2011
Age: 29
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,155
Location: United States

18 May 2013, 9:41 am

not really, i get along much better with NT's



Amberlena
Toucan
Toucan

User avatar

Joined: 30 Apr 2013
Age: 22
Gender: Female
Posts: 250
Location: a place

18 May 2013, 7:24 pm

I've never had an aspie friend. I know 2 other aspies, but I don't know them very well. One is my friend's brother, and the other one is my mom's friend.