At loss on how to handle my son's behavior (long)

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I'm not sure how to proceed in regards to my son's future. I feel lost, and in limbo, and I'm awful at making decisions so I'm at risk of being in this state forever.

Powerman (nickname), will be five years old in a few weeks. I feel like by putting him in public kindergarten I will be destroying his self-esteem, and hindering his learning. While I realize that the IEP program is there to help him, I just can't imagine how any child that dislikes socializing, and is fairly awkward, is going to feel like a complete, functional human being when loaded down with sensory vests, hats, and other such gear. He is going to make the observation that most of the other kids do not need these things, and he will feel different, and likely inferior.

I want to reject the modern, medical, model of teaching, and celebrate my son's strengths and uniqueness, and forget about all the labels. I would like to homeschool him, help him explore his academic potential, and get him the services he needs with the attitude that we are helping him develop skills, not treating his "disorder."

But while he seems intelligent, I can't actually get him to do anything he doesn't want to do. I don't know how to get him to stay near me (and not run away) outside, or how to get him to feed himself, put on his clothes, or potty train. He is very, very loud, and destructive, and after spending an entire day with him I usually need to go lay down where it's quiet to recover. I dread being alone with him, and I feel like the worst mother ever for even having that thought.

Everything, the entire time he's awake is like this:

Powerman takes a sip of his milk and spits it on the floor.

Me (trying to sound calm): Honey, please don't spit your milk out.

Powerman spits again, does not appear to have heard me.

Me (moving closer to be in his line of sight): Honey, please don't spit your milk out.

Powerman: Did you know that when my mouth makes water it makes metal grow strong, and really, really big? How does it do that?

Me: Metal doesn't really grow. That's more of a plant thing. Plus the water from your mouth isn't the most efficient method for watering.

Powerman: Well actually, it's not a plant thing. That's why I'm watering metal. (There is no metal here).

He spits again.

Me (trying really hard to sound neutral so this won't escalate): If you're done I can take it back to the kitchen. Maybe we can go outside and water plants with your watering can.

Powerman doesn't respond, he seems to have forgotten I'm there. He spits.

Me: Ok, you're making a mess, it's going to ruin your toys. I'll put it in the fridge and you can have it later.

I reach for the milk, and when he feels my fingers brush his, he jerks the cup away spilling it across the table. He begins to scream and flail as if he's being assaulted. At this point I grit my teeth, and go get some rags to clean it up.

When I return he has lined up several little cars in the puddle of milk, and is staring at them fascinated. It's as if the screaming fit never happened.

Me: Honey, the milk is going to make your cars all sticky. Here... (I offer him a rag but he doesn't take it). I start to wipe up the mess by myself.

Powerman: Did you know we have a fish at school? But it died.

Me: Oh no, how did it die?

Powerman: It was my fault. I didn't feed it and it starved to death. I don't know who killed it. I don't know.

Me (trying to hide my confusion): I don't think you killed the fish, if anyone forgot to feed it your teachers would make sure it still was fed. Sometimes fish just die. It's not your fault.

Powerman: Did you know there are fly catching plants that catch bugs, and they eat them all up?

Me: Like a Venus Fly trap? Did you learn about them at school?

Powerman: I don't know why grandma went home. I don't know where she is.

Me: She'll be back in the morning (she rides with us to and from school because I can't stop Powerman from running away while watching his brother at the same time). She comes over every morning to see you. We need to go to the store when Daddy get's home, will you put your shoes on, please?

Powerman: I can't. It's too hard for me. Shoes are not right for me. (Is starting to become hysterical).

He lunges away from the table, knocking over anything in his path, and he curls up in a ball underneath the bench seat.

Me: Honey, it's ok. Do you need me to help you?

Powerman: You have to help me. Kids can't wear shoes. You are not responsible, Mommy.

Me (trying not to take that personally): I need you to come out or I can't reach you to help you.

I give him a moment, then start to walk away, and he finally comes out.

Powerman: Wait! Wait! You forgot to give me a lunch at school.

Me: I sent you a lunch at school. We took it out of your back pack, remember?

Powerman: No, we didn't. You didn't give me lunch!

Me: Fine, here, sit on the couch so I can put your shoes on you.

He wanders away, as if he's lost interest or forgotten what we were doing. I pick him up and set him on the couch. I put his shoes on carefully, mindful of the placement of seams, and that all is straight. He starts humming "Hall of the Mountain King" progressively louder. He's staring off in the distance. He no longer responds to me at all.

It will be a repeat of this for the rest of the day. He won't use the bathroom successfully, he won't stay with me when walking to the car, he will sing or hum very, very loudly in the store, and throw at least one tantrum because something is out of place. I will attempt to do a fun activity with him, like arts and crafts, but something will go wrong (paint will mix, etc.) and he will melt down.

I'm obviously doing something very wrong in our interactions, but I'm running out of ideas. It's exhausting having to negotiate everything we do, every day. I feel like I'm discovering lots of things that don't work, but almost nothing that does.

I try really, really hard to not be antagonistic with him, but I'm not very encouraging either. I'm just so tired of everything being a big deal, and having to constantly stop him from hurting himself or destroying things. When I praise him, or try to act silly with him he usually is indifferent or upset.

I watched a documentary that said the key was to spend time each day following your child's rules, so that the bond would heal and they would in turn be open to following our rules...I guess I could try that. I just feel like I'm on standby for a catastrophe the entire time I'm with him, and I don't want to feel this way. I feel like I'm failing him.

We had good results from public kindergarten. A lot of times they can help with the "low hanging fruit" skills that you do not really care -that- much about, and so don't designate time for, but for whatever reason they do care about. With us, that was stand-up peeing (I have a boy.) I really didn't care about it because I had bigger fish to fry, but it was nice that skills like that could be handled by someone else. I am not sure why they thought it was important, as he was not using the regular boys' room anyway, at that time, (noise issues) and it wasn't like the other boys would make fun of it, but anyway, it was one thing out of our queue.

Also, assuming they have experience with special needs children, and they might have new ways to handle some of the bigger issues, too.

A lot of what your son is doing now, seems to be saying things that are illogical. My son does this, too, still, but it sorts out as their brains better understand logic. At least that is my experience. What I do in these instances is try to think of a way what he is saying makes sense(sometimes I can't) and say something like, "I wonder what a world would be like if you could water metal with milk and make it grow? "(then wait for responses and humor the discussion for awhile, before adding that in our world that doesn't work, although it seems disappointing after imagining a world where that did work. (Or something like that) I don't know if that is right to do, but I do it so I can encourage the creativity without reinforcing the incorrect facts or logic.

If your son is not socially inclined in kinder (mine was not) I wouldn't worry too much about the vests etc. He may very well be oblivious to the differences between himself and the others (mine was.) They had not introduced the vest to him as yet, in kinder, but there were other very obvious differences that he could not have cared less about. Also, most of the kinder kids are pretty nice, at that age. There were a few high social IQ girls, but my son was oblivious to their mean girl nonsense, much to their consternation.

Two things that I would do with the spitting would be to only give him milk in sippy cups, and take it away the first time he spit it in the floor, not after the fourth time he spit it in the floor. It sounded to me like he is kind of playing a game with you there. The sort that isn't nearly as much fun if mom refuses to participate. My youngest wasn't a milk spitter, but he was a food thrower. We'd go through the whole routine of "Don't throw your food. Stop throwing your food." go to take the food and him throw the whole plate in the floor. This was usually followed by him having a screaming fit because he was hungry and it was somehow our fault that he threw it all in the floor!

We finally started staying right next to him and if he even made a move threatening to throw the food, we took it away. Yes, this did result in a screaming fit. When he calmed down we gave him his food again. Sometimes (okay pretty often at first) this resulted in him testing the waters with throwing the food again. We went through several rounds one day before he decided that he better just eat it. The next time, it took fewer times, and so on, until he hasn't thrown food in a while now. Might not work with all kids, but as he was throwing a fit either way, it was well worth the try for us.

How does he feel about leaving the house? If it's off-schedule or to a place he doesn't like, we get a lot of hiding and refusal to cooperate (and undoing whatever we've done to get him ready). Maybe a lot of warnings would help? He might be too little, though. Sometimes mine thinks a warning at the beginning of the day means that we're leaving right then, which disturbs the whole day.

Come to think of it we had that issue when our son was a toddler. It was easier then of course because we had him in a high chair. Eventually I got smart and put out a "tarp" (One of those cheap picnic table covers) underneath and I would just let him dump stuff. I would not be mad; he would not get a reaction and eventually (I don't remember the space of time--but I do not recall it being too long) it stopped.

With a five year old, maybe try to contain him to the kitchen when he eats and drinks. Don't let him bring anything in he could mess up, by spitting on it. I still don't let m son wander around with cups. He doesn't spit, but he does spill, and is too old for a sippy cup. I do let him drink juice boxes elsewhere b/c he can manage not to make a mess with those.

The jumping from topic to topic in conversation was SO my son from age 5 to 6.5. We used to say it was like talking to a CD player set to skip randomly through the songs. I was pushing my husband to agree to sign up for a TalkAbility class by Hanen (there's a book by the same name) that addresses communication and conversation skills, but had not yet convinced him that it was worth the expense. When DS started on ADHD medication, within couple of months he was suddenly able to stay on topic and have a reasonably back-and-forth conversation. To this day I'm not really certain if it was the medication or if he just made a developmental leap and the timing was coincidental. Anyway, you may find that the communication gets better within a year or two.

I agree with another poster that you are giving too many warnings. If spitting milk happens frequently, so that you can predict he's likely to do it, you should warn him BEFORE you give him the milk, "Milk is for drinking, not spitting. If you spit the milk out, I will take it away," and follow through the FIRST time he does it. "When you spit your milk, I take it away. You can try again after you finish eating your sandwich." Keep directions very short and to the point, don't spend a lot of time explaining WHY he shouldn't spit the milk before you take it away. (At 5 I would suggest a cup with a lid and a straw rather than a sippy cup.)

Something I read long ago when my 17 year old was a baby - always say what you want, not what you dont. I read something like "they hear blah blah blah blah spitting" So when you say what not to do it actually reinforces the unwanted action..

So I say, "milk is for drinking.". If he wants to do something else with the milk, it goes into time out.

I don't say, "no spitting".

Kid is running in the house, I say "walking feet" I do not say "stop running".

My AS son is now 13. He's chewing gum and playing with it in his hands all the time - I can just see that gum in my carpet. Anyway what I say " gum in your mouth" then the next time I see it I say "gum in your mouth or in the garbage" then I see it again and I just hold my hand out for the gum. It isn't necessarily as effective with this kid as my older NT, but over time it really does work.

I also used to put things in time out all the time. Much easier to put a thing in time out if not being used properly than your child.

One other thing... so many of our kids have sensory issues, right? If he was liking the feeling of spitting, you might try... If you want to spit, we can do that outside or in the shower..

good luck - it is really hard!