NT wife wanting to learn aspergese....

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Not sure whether this is the right section to post in but given it’s about my relationship with my husband, here goes...

In response to a previous topic I posted someone said the following:

For some reason, NTs statements use to be very 'flexible'. They're full of excuses, small lies, exagerations, inaccuracies, self-deceptions, manipulative distorsions, half-truths, emotional statements, and so. The outcome is when a NT listens to something, he/she filters and reconstructs it trying to recreate the most likely reality behind those words, according to the NT's experience.

This was interesting as it closely echoes somethig my husband often says to me as our very different ways of using language can cause serous problems. He can translate a lot of the time but we are going through a pretty bad patch at the moment and says he needs me to do more of the translation.

So, any advice any of you can give as to how I might bring my use of language (and my listening skills, come to that) closer to his, would be much appreciated.

The direct approach is the best approach. It can be brutal when unfiltered but, in its simplicity, it's preferred.
If you're freezing because the air conditioner has been on too long, don't say, "Honey, were you talking to me? I couldn't hear you over my chattering teeth."
If it's been a long time between sex, don't say, "Honey, my loins stir with the temptation of Aphrodite," or "that ice cream you're eating sure puts me in the mood."
If you don't like the TV show he's watching and would prefer the two of you go for a walk in the park, don't say, "Honey, haven't you seen this episode before?"

Well, you know what I mean, right?

You have to say what you mean. That is it. Only say what you mean.

I agree with RedRobin62. The direct approach is the best. I speak here from personal experience. Why, oh why, can't the NT's just speak their mind? Just say it already!

I agree, be very direct and to the point so he knows what the issue is. That is the only way he will know whats going on. Don't assume he knows

When I had my first LTR, , my girlfriend would get upset at me at times. I would ask whats wrong. She would get more upset and say "you know whats wrong, don't be like that" and get more upset. Then I'd say "I really don't know whats wrong, tell me so we can talk about it." But she would still just say "you know". This would make me upset because she was not telling me whats going on.

At the time I had no idea about AS or that I even had it.

^ this.

Understand this as well: We do not get 'subtle' cues, hints or nuances. Verbal, written or body language.

If you want to be intimate (its literally the best example I can think of!) you either need to say it or take your clothes off. Otherwise it will be unlikely he will 'get the hint' (changes in tone of voice, 'silky' behavior, etc) that you desire intimacy.


We're very simple people when it comes to any form of communication: Be direct. As bluntly as possible. Its what we do to you

Hi everyone, and thank you.

Yes, I get the being direct thing in theory...it's the practice that is currently stumping me!

Any NTs out there who have managed to get their heads around this one and if so, any hints or techniques?

Some NT's tell me that they learned by just using their "inner as*hole" since that tends to be very direct. They then take that, and make it a bit nicer without losing the directness. They tell me that this works much better, otherwise it can take months to learn.

WOMEN'S ENGLISH

1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = you're in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = you better not
8. Do what you want = you will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You're very attentive tonight = is sex all you ever think about?

MEN'S ENGLISH

1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

ASPERGESE

1. Yes = Yes
2. No = No
3. Maybe = Maybe
4. We need = We need
5. I am sorry = I am sorry
6. Sure, go ahead = Sure, go ahead
7. Do what you want = Do what you want
8. I am not upset = I am not upset
9. I am hungry = I am hungry
10. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
11. I am tired = I am tired
12. Nice dress = Nice dress
13. I love you = I love you
14. I am bored = I am bored
15. Do you want to go to a movie? = Do you want to go to a movie?

Be honest, be direct, and if he seems distressed, you might want to add "I am not mad at you." It depends on the person but if he can't read facial expressions, interpret vocal tone, or interpret body language very well, he might hear something else than you intend.

NTs are used to using all the above to communicate and be understood. When it's only the content of your words that counts, it's another matter.

I have also learned to phrase things more in the form of simple requests. I was hesitant to do that for a long time. I never liked to 'command' anyone to do anything. I much prefer if someone can anticipate my needs or pleasantly surprise me, plus I don't want to be a nag. But he much prefers just simply being told what I want, although it still sounds to me more like a command.

Also you can just ask him what he would like to hear or how he would like you to say things.

Pretty much true.

It took real effort to undo a lifetime of being trained to be polite, phrase things softly and gently, hint at things, and not to say what I really want. NT females especially, are trained that to be any other way is to be rude or mean or selfish. "A thoughtful person puts themselves second and waits to be noticed," that type of thing.

That NT social training will really confuse your Aspie most likely. He is probably thinking "why doesn't she just say what she wants/thinks?" And we are probably thinking "Why doesn't he care about me/notice my clues?"

Be warned though, once you unleash your inner jerk it might like being let loose. You might get used to saying what you really think instead of sugar coating it or using NT speak to get the message across, even when speaking with other NTs.

So what do you do next time someone comes back from Supercuts and asks "Do you like my haircut?"

This is for NT women in love with Aspie men:

1. The literal interpretation of any statement he makes is to be assumed at all times.

2. If there are two possible meanings to what he says, assume the least hurtful one.

3. Never assume more meaning to what he says than what was actually said - There are no hidden meanings.

4. He is not always thinking of you; but this does not necessarily mean that he's thinking of someone else.

5. Unless you clearly state what you want in a language that you both understand while you have his undivided attention, he will never know what you want.

6. Tell him once. Twice is a reminder. Three times is nagging. If you have to tell him what you want more often than that, then you may as well get used to the idea that he just doesn't want to do it.

7. Just because he does not enjoy what you do does not mean that he doesn't love you - it just means that he does not enjoy it.

8. "I don't know" does not mean "I know, but I'm not going to tell you", nor does it mean "Interrogate me further until I get angry so that you can complain that I'm angry". It means "I don't know" (See #1 above).

yes thank you, popsicle. It is so hard to overthrow that training despite the fact that I've always been considered fairly blunt - however as he says, I'm only blunt by NT standards!

Another wrinkle is that some of the things I do which come under the heading 'being polite' he finds deeply impolite.

Also I have a habit of thinking as I speak so when it comes to saying what i mean, often I don't know what I mean till I get to the end of the sentence. Hey ho....

Bolded is one thing AS have a very,very hard time doing. Its why we fail at small talk...badly. Just a lil FYI

Sounds like an aspie has no acceptable way to make the point that he wants to have sex