i can't be myself around him, i'm trapped

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i was friends with this guy for a long time, but it was more like a courtship because he was really polite to me and he helped me. we spent a lot of time talking together, it was really nice. he's pretty shy and he was afraid to make a move.

well, finally he told me he liked me and we started dating. it didn't last long.... something happened, and he never called. it drove me crazy and i cried alot... i started to obsess over it and i complained about the situation endlessly to our mutual friend.

i ran into him downtown about two weeks after our last date... but i came off as a stalker because i ran up to him and my guy friend on the sidewalk. i was hoping he would just tell me the truth, but he didn't want to talk to me. he ignored my presence and told me he was really "busy". he knew i was sad and he couldn't give me closure. i also mentioned having a fractured tailbone because i fell when i was hiking. he acted like i was making it up to get him to pity me!

i don't think about how others might see me. i was just honest and i wanted him to tell me the truth.

i took the hint and i avoided him for months, even though it meant not going certain places and staying out of situations where i might see him.

well, about 3 weeks ago i did see him.... we had a pleasant conversation and flirted a bit. he said he was sorry, and he really wanted to be my friend. i let my guard down and started talking to him again... but i did not hit on him. i did not mention hanging out exclusively. i didn't bring up the past. i did nothing wrong...

for some reason, he got really defensive and started acting like a total jerk to get me to lose interest... even though i kept it private. he's very perceptive and i'm sure he could tell anyway. he talked about another girl he likes in front of me, bragged about himself, flirted, undressed me with his eyes, and disagreed with almost everything i said... just to be mean.

my guy friend (the mutual friend) started calling me to hang out every day, and i think he thinks i'm hanging out with him to get closer to him! it's just a coincidence that our mutual friend starting liking me and wanting to spend lots of time around me. i told him i don't want a relationship and he bought me earrings and took me to the movies/dinner a few times. i had to sit down with him and have a serious talk about it. he's super attached to me but don't think i lead him on.

i feel like i can't hide how hurt i am around him (the crush). i also can't hide the fact that i'm extremely attracted to him... and the worse he treats me, the more it bothers me!

i don't want to avoid people and places all because of him, but i feel trapped.
what should i do, and how can i get him to stop assuming things that aren't true??

Please don't get involved with this guy. He sounds like bad news. If he sees you being happy without him he may try to woo you back. Don't let him. If you can't be yourself around him, it will make you constantly miserable. And just to keep you off-balance and needy, he'll act like you aren't trying hard enough to please him.

Tell your mutual nice friend that you still love his jerk friend - he'll stop bothering you.

And what was this "something happened" it's like you omitted a major part of the story.


I say:

Keep pursuing the jerk (and try dating and having sex with him) - till you get totally burnt by him, that's the only way to hate him.

Keep using the mutual friend as an emotional tampon - till he gets totally burnt too, that's the only way to make him realizes his secondary role in your life.

Oh who am I kidding, you're already doing all that!

And that what will happen.

Try to not listen to the devil (me).

Why not let it go? Dropping it, even if it is really hard to do, is the best thing to do. You need to hang out with people who treat you with respect, and having the hots for a guy who treats you like that just makes him think he can get away with treating you however he wants, because you are not doing anything but getting more attracted to him. He is toying with your emotions, and if you let him, he'll keep treating you this way. Walk away, and find a guy that will keep this creep away from you.

Do what I did to get over how much I liked the smell of cigarette smoke (I associated it with my grandmother, I never smoked). Repeat over and over in your head how much you hate the guy and how terrible he is, and never hang out with him. Works like a charm.

People are as*holes and they don't like to be reminded of that fact because it makes them feel bad. You remind him, no matter what you do. Move on.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

First, you can't get him to stop assuming things that aren't true. He's going to think whatever he wants. This guy sounds like a creep, so my guess is that he's going to think of and portray you in a way that would make his behavior justifiable. Like, it's much easier to think of you as a crazy stalker person because then he would be somewhat justified in trying to get you to leave him alone, as opposed to thinking of you as a nice girl that he screwed over when he decided to act like a bastard. This goes double when he's talking to others, like if your mutual friend asked him why he was treating you like this, calling you a crazy stalker takes the responsibility off of him and onto you. Don't let yourself get upset over things you can't control. You know the truth and when it's suggested to you that you were being stalkerish and crazy, just shut it down with something like a deadpan dispassionate, "Uh, no. I've never liked anyone enough to stalk them. I have a life." If you feel the need to say more, something nonchalant like, "Yeah, I had kind of a crush on him way back then, but he started acting like such a jackass and I deserve WAY better than that."

As for what to do about this overall situation, I have a few ideas.

GET OUT! Do not play his game. He is being mean to you ON PURPOSE. It doesn't matter what the reason is, this is not how you want to be treated by your boyfriend, so don't allow it in potential boyfriends. He seems like a manipulator, doing certain things, like telling you about other girls etc, to get a reaction out of you. I dated someone like this for 4 years. I was engaged to him. It doesn't stop once you're boyfriend and girlfriend. When you're dating, you get extremely close to that person. You know what makes them happy, what buttons to push to make them angry, and what upsets them. And a manipulator will use that. I could go into detail about the aforementioned ex, but I'll spare you. If he's acting like this now, say no. It will hurt a lot and it will suck so much. But it will go away. If you keep going on like this, pining after someone who treats you like crap, you'll just keep getting hurt continuously. Occupy yourself with different activities, give online dating a shot, (do it safely, remember your mace and remember to tell a friend or parent where you are going and have your "GET ME THE EFF OUT OF HERE" codes and excuses ready.), go away somewhere for the summer for a week or two. It won't happen overnight, but eventually he'll be just another dumbass guy. You might still be attracted to him, but attraction does not equal relationship. It's summer, have a fling, clear your head, and just don't worry about it or overfocus on having a relationship. Have fun instead.

For this portion, you need a mirror. Go get one or go sit in front of one. Now, practice your "WTF," "Are you freaking kidding me?!", "I think you're stupid and your presence disgusts me," "I don't give a rat's ass," and my personal favorite, the "eat sh*t and die" looks. Utilize these when he's around and being obnoxious. Don't talk to him, practice your body language and have the default setting on "indifferent." Eventually he'll get tired of talking to someone who obviously isn't giving him any attention (OH! And here is where carrying a book to read or a puzzle book comes in handy. It gives you something to concentrate on besides him and makes him think you find him less interesting than sudoku.) If you have to answer verbally, wait a few seconds, then casually be like, "hmm? what was that?" and respond in a cold manner. It helps to practice this too. This behavior also works when being hit on by undesirables. Don't completely ignore them, react to their presence, but react as if you're busy or have something you would rather be doing. This has saved me SO many times. Now, on the inside, you may be screaming "OH MY GOD, I FREAKING LOVE YOU, MARRY ME!" But don't show it. Practice. When you have these feelings, immediately think about how badly he has treated you and ask yourself if you want to be treated like that for the forseeable future, or if you would want your daughter/sister/bff dating someone who acted like that. Be rational and don't let your emotions get the best of you because if they're telling you to love a guy who is mean to you, then they are wrong.

thanks for the tips everyone.

littlepenguin22, your advice was extremely helpful. thanks!!

You're very welcome, anytime. I'm always happy to lend an ear or be a sounding board. Good luck!

He cant handle the deeper aspie you so he gets mean to push you away, rather than talking and closure
Is he young? men are crap with emotions sometimes