A Peculiar Day

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Second answer was he was standing under the backboard and a basketball hit him. Which is likely true. However, I have to wonder whether the kids playing basketball didn't notice that anyone was standing under the backboard...and if that question has anything to do with the long crazy story or not.

Lots of possible options. It is very hard (having been that kid) to be the kid who always is standing in the wrong place because you're trying to be by yourself, but you don't realize there's another, important, reason that space is empty.

It's doubly hard when other kids decide to "punish" you for not understanding why you shouldn't be where you are. Triply when it's possible that the kids just didn't expect you to be there.

Ahhh, I run into these type scenerios all the time. Chances are, the kids were too busy playing basketball (having fun), they probably didn't even notice he was there! Poor fella..

And quadruply when there are kids out there who will exploit the fact that they realize you do not understand this. This is the worst part, isn't it?

Sometimes I feel at such a loss to know how to handle things. On the one hand, my son frequently misperceives the intentions of others and he assumes negative intent where none exists. This causes him to blow up and leaves kids confused and wanting to avoid him because from their perspective, they cannot anticipate when he will blow up, so it is just safest to avoid him. I think this even happens with some kids who genuinely like him.

So in this regard, I feel like I need to help him learn to perspective take and to try to generate alternate reasons why someone would have done something. He actually does fairly well with this kind of remediation.

The problem is, he applies it to every situation. Even situations in which it is pretty clear he was targeted. Which makes him an even larger target for certain kinds of kids.

Last edited by InThisTogether on 11 May 2013, 1:04 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I had a similar situation with my son during PE class. He felt this boy was trying to aim the ball at his face during a game. When it was brought up by a teacher (who, I will say, is pretty awesome) she said the game being played was similar to "Hot Potato" where the children had to pass the ball to each other quickly. Se asked me if it was possible that due to the "rough" nature of the game, that my son misunderstood the intention? My answer: possibly. But, the boy in question is a boy who has teased him in the past (this year). And really, within any game, rough or not, there's a respectful way of throwing the ball and a disrespectful way of throwing the ball. Judging the fact that this boy appears to not like my son, chances are great that he threw him the ball disrespectfully. I didn't want my son to be pegged as the kid who didn't understand that social situation when it could have gone either way. She agreed.

It's a tough call!

I don't know, I have to go back and think about what Olive Oil Mom said several posts up. Maybe what he needed was to be believed that something was indeed wrong. Maybe he needed you to stop and listen to him. My kiddo is younger and maybe I tend to react in ways to over-protect but I tend to think that if a kid is displaying some unusual behavior, there is a reason for it. ASD people are often not able to simply adjust their attitude and "get over it". They need assistance with finding coping skills that will help them get through or past whatever is causing them problems. Your son is still behind his peers on developing such skills and he needs your support.

Exactly.

These days, instead of generating alternative explanations (which would have been my approach in the past,) I'm trying to teach DS to mentally collect evidence on an ongoing basis, and to try to look for patterns of behavior. This year he suddenly decided to view all intentions are harmless (despite the long crazy story, which he didn't actually act on in school.) In the past, it was the opposite; he would react violently to any kind of touch without even thinking if it could be an accident (which was when the alternative explanations were helpful.) I want him to learn to try to objectively review the facts of the situation and take recent history into account when he does.

Black and white thinking can be significantly disabling.

What worries me is that he says he's been hit in the head by a ball during recess, so this wasn't an isolated incident. Again, could be him just choosing the wrong place to stand...but more than 2 balls to the head make me suspicious. However, there doesn't seem to be anything more aggressive than that, so we just talked about it and I will keep an eye out.

Ya, I agree. I was listening to him and asking questions. I was at work when he called my cell, crying. I made the (right) assumption that his chin wasn't broken and tried to direct him to school to have an adult there look at it.

My son doesn't process pain very well. A month ago, we took him to emergency because of a sore arm. I thought he had re-broken it by the amount of pain he was in. He was screaming non-stop for hours. We waited until 5am to be seen by a doctor (arrived at 10pm) only for him to say there was nothing wrong. X-rays were done and his arm was not broken. Also, once we entered the taxi, he calmed right down and then kept apologizing for the inconvenience. Did he feel he was being heard? Yes. Did he feel we were helping him? Yes. Was it necessary to go to Children's Hospital and wait 7 hours? No. He was virtually THE LAST CHILD being seen. The thing is, I WAS helping him at home. I offered heat pads, breathing techniques, reassurances, pain medication, etc. I even slept/cuddled with him and it wasn't enough.

So, back to his chin, I can't be leaving work every time he feels pain - and the pain I believed. He's also the type of kid that when a situation plays out, he'll expect the same situation to play over and over again. For example, his "friend" stayed over for dinner one night. The next time he came over - a week later - his mom gave him permission to stay until 5pm. My son could not understand why he wouldn't stay for dinner, even though we both told him he wasn't given permission to. My son kept telling him to call his mom and ask .. the boy left and my son had the worst meltdown in a long time. A mirror was broken, items were tossed out our open window and his screams mirrored that of a mentally insane individual. So, had I come home, every time he's in pain or has difficulties with something, he WILL expect me to come home again and it WILL escalate to an extreme. I had to be careful with my decision.

Last night, we had another "arm" situation. Luckily, it didn't escalate to the level it did before. I'm not sure why his biceps hurt. Anyone? He didn't want a heat pad. We worked on breathing techniques and I firmly tried to steer him away from having a full-blown meltdown. His mentality is that he's "dying" or something is "broken".

I appreciate your advice. There is a difference between listening vs listening his way. Helping vs. helping his way. His way is often unreasonable .. he's a child, he's an extremist, he doesn't possess the tools needed to come up with a reasonable solution.

Well, I find that a lot of AS children tend to play in the same area day after day. If your son is playing near the basketball courts and hangs out there daily, there's a good chance he will get hit in the head again and again..

I did think about this possibility, but the two scenarios aren't the same: one happened in the gym, the others at recess, where he has a lot of options that aren't near the basketball courts (and I'm guessing the non-crowded places are not near the sports places.) I will ask about it - but basketball is the only scenario where I can see having a ball hit you in the head by accident multiple times, and only then if you are very near the court. I'm not saying that it definitively is deliberate...I'm saying that this happening more than twice makes it something worth watching.

In terms of pain management, we've taught DS to look for other symptoms: blood (and we had to explain very specifically about blood, because any slight redness and he'd freak out. ) swelling, bruises, redness in the area, fever, etc. Things that medical staff look for when treating a patient who can't speak. He's much calmer about being hurt or feeling pain, now because he has some rubric other than pain, which for him is "on" or "off."

At the risk of sounding like I am being argumentative when I really don't intend to be I want to point out that I think this last part hits the nail on the head. I guess I react badly when someone says an ASD person needs an attitude adjustment or needs to just get over it. What you have said here is the real truth. He does not posses the tools he needs to cope socially and emotionally and he needs to learn those tools. It sounds like with the breathing techniques and other items you mentioned you are on the right track and just need to continue to build from there. He sounds like he does a lot of catastrophizing and a lot of negative thinking. This is an aspect that you could work on.

ASDMom, I so get what you are saying about the "not being able to leave work" part. From other posts you might have noticed I face some similar problems when it comes to the "pain" issue. It's not that I think my son is making pain up or exaggerating how "sick" he feels. I am sure he is being honest about his perception. But the reality is, nothing is broken or even seriously injured and he is not "sick" in a way that would require me taking a day off from work, nor him a day off from school. Yet I get regular calls from my son, crying and saying he needs to come home. I don't think he is trying to manipulate me into anything. I think he genuinely feels pain or sickness. I do not deny him his perception. I also do not think it is some kind of behavior driven from some kind of underlying issue at school or anywhere else. I think it is as simple as that when he feels pain or when he feels sick, somehow his experience is amplified 10-fold compared to what most people would experience. I also think he tends to get fixated on it, which further amplifies the experience. It can easily spiral into something very large, when really--literally--it was only a small splinter.

Honestly, I would be unemployable if I left work every time my son had a perception of dire pain or significant illness. And since I am a single mother, that is really not an option.

I don't even know for sure why I am sharing this as it is not really related to the topic. I guess maybe because it is something I sometimes feel guilty about. And I don't think a lot of people get it. So I just wanted to let you know I get it, in case you ever feel that way.

I didn't think you were being argumentative at all
The negative thinking .. yes, that is very true! He's generally a pretty happy kid but he doesn't have a very good self-esteem. Lately even, he doesn't even seem that happy.

InThisTogether,

Thank you for your post. I often relate to your posts as well and I'm glad there's people in my life who are supportive (virtual or not). I'm sure you can agree though, that "supportive" is a far cry from "understanding". To truly understand often comes as a surprise and usually from those who are raising a special needs child themselves. Luckily, my social group consists of people who have the best intentions at heart but due to their lack of understanding, I still find myself dealing with the balk of the emotions alone.

When my wife came into my life, her presence was breath-taking. She, too, fully understands.. but as a step-parent, her connection with my son is that of a step-parent. She tries really hard and they both have come a long way together and I am very thankful for her. There's also a lot of guilt on my part because I "dump" on her a lot with my emotional baggage. I express my feelings and frustrations REGULARLY with her and she is so nice, she lets me. I feel since she's entered our life, the quality of hers has plummeted. She argues that point but it's how I feel.

I know how hard it must be for you as a single mom. I've been in my relationship for 4 years and married for 9 months out of that .. I STILL feel like the single parent. That never goes away. Fortunately for me, my wife offers me a lot of emotional support and financial too! So you're in a trickier situation. I've been there and understand too.. if you ever want to bounce off ideas with me.

Thanks for your kindness.