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waitykatie
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25 May 2013, 2:50 pm

My friend is an (undiagnosed) Aspie in his mid-40s, who is recovering from an extremely abusive, exploitative marriage. It lasted 8 years and the divorce took almost 3 years. There are two children, so he still has to have contact with his ex, who is demanding, crazy, and vicious. It ruined him financially to get rid of her, but he "paid for his peace." As anyone would be, he is emotionally really messed up. Paranoid, hostile, mistrustful, erratic. He is only very slowly recognizing that the marriage was not, in fact, a normal, healthy relationship.

He is justifiably bitter and angry that he has been taken advantage of for so long. He is currently focused on taking steps to change that. But he refuses to trust anyone, is terrified of emotion and intimacy, and seems to not trust his own judgment. Sometimes he behaves and speaks to me cruelly, as his ex behaved and spoke to him. It hurts my feelings, but I do my best not to react. He's a "crazy" magnet, so crazy is what he's used to and what he expects. I refuse to give it to him (because I'm not crazy)!

I had a romantic relationship with this man many years ago, so I know he is capable of a healthy, loving relationship based on trust and respect. But I don't think he really knows how. For now, he is also unwilling to take any risks. Engaging in casual sex with condoms is as far as he'll go - nothing emotional, intimate, or long-term. Too scary, too many things could go wrong. Even with me - even though he knows I would never mistreat him.

I've had my own experience with abusive relationships, and I wish there was a way to help him heal. Help him return to his old self - the sweet, amazing guy I knew before this awful witch ruined his life. I sent him a link to a very helpful advice site for abused men, for which he thanked me. It's not much, but I can't think of anything else.

Have any men here endured, and left, a long-term abusive relationship? How did you recover? Or was your ability to trust women permanently destroyed? Any advice for a female friend/ex-flame who genuinely cares about him (not to mention those poor kids, who spend most of their time with the psycho ex-wife)?



Jono
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25 May 2013, 4:33 pm

Unfortunately, there's little support for male victims of spousal abuse generally. Do you think that you may be able to find a support group somewhere? Probably do some internet searching.

Also, maybe if you can prove that there was abuse, he might be able to gain custody of the children.



Fnord
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25 May 2013, 4:38 pm

waitykatie wrote:
Any AS men with abusive ex-wives?

Yes. She's now abusing the man she left me for. She left me because I refused to endure her abuse.



waitykatie
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25 May 2013, 4:59 pm

I'm so sorry, Fnord. But better someone else than you. Abusers never change.

I would be interested to know more about your experience. How did she abuse you? How do you feel now - about that relationship, and about relationships in general? Was she the only abuser, or do you seem to attract abusive/crazy types? Would you say you have "trust issues?" If a woman you knew to be healthy and loving offered you a chance at a healthy, loving relationship, what would you do?



waitykatie
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25 May 2013, 5:22 pm

Jono, a support group is a good idea. I'll suggest it, but I'm not sure if he would be motivated.



Fnord
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25 May 2013, 6:01 pm

waitykatie wrote:
How did she abuse you?

The usual ... hitting, kicking, throwing things. Of course, she always blamed me for her abusive behavior - typical bully.

waitykatie wrote:
How do you feel now - about that relationship, and about relationships in general?

THAT relationship is dead. I can't remember how long it's been since we communicated in any way.

waitykatie wrote:
Was she the only abuser, or do you seem to attract abusive/crazy types?

I seem to attract abusive types.

waitykatie wrote:
Would you say you have "trust issues?"

People must earn my trust.

waitykatie wrote:
If a woman you knew to be healthy and loving offered you a chance at a healthy, loving relationship, what would you do?

I'd marry her - this is my current situation, by the way.



waitykatie
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25 May 2013, 7:36 pm

Fnord, how did your wife earn your trust?



Fnord
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25 May 2013, 9:03 pm

She earned my trust when she stopped questioning me about my personal issues.



1000Knives
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26 May 2013, 12:57 am

Fnord wrote:
She earned my trust when she stopped questioning me about my personal issues.


I can relate.



Tomas73
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26 May 2013, 6:53 am

Yes, being trusted and being able to trust are symbiotic phenomena.

Being candid is necessary for the foundations of trust though. One can't be a closed book and expect others to trust them.

I was accused of being abusive by my ex- wife. I made some mistakes, but they where not driven by an abusive tendancy. However, once a women says "abuse", a mans name is mud.

Ironically, I then found myself the victim of an abusive relationship. Having seen it for what it was, I made it clear that I would not be a victim and entertain an abusive relationship of any sort, and left.

I am now in a trusting relationship. It's not without mutual insecurities, but we talk and work things out.



kalabalik
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30 May 2013, 2:53 pm

Seems a lot of AS are found by psykopates as we mostly are very helpfull, trusting and honest. I was living for 28 years wit a abusive woman, she vas a psycopatic bisexual psycholog. I finally got divorced after she tried sell my as to her gay friends. I do not have any contact with her nowadays. She still has a lot of influence over ours daughters, she try to reach me through them. As I am65 years and retired I do not have werry much hop of finding a woman that I can trust.

Today I does not have much trust in people at all, as my social skills are bad I mostly des not understand people around me. It also seems that people ode misinterpret me, getting me in to situations I just don't understand. At present it seems as I have upsetting some of my neighbours, but I can hardly understand what I don wrong.

I think a advice would be to check forums about psykopates there will de a lot of people, that has been abused by psykopates. I think he can get some help by discussing with others that has the same experiences. I don't know any English spoken sights, I have had some help from a Swedish site, but I am sure you can find some US-sites.



Kurgan
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01 Jun 2013, 11:25 am

I've dated women with sociopathic traits in the past. It wasn't obvious from the start and they generally acted like they were tolerant in the beginning.



Ravn
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04 Jun 2013, 10:22 pm

My previous marriage started off okay but then my ex realised I was unable to do certain things (form-filling freaks me out totally) and I was never any good with keeping hold of my money. Anyway, she took control of those basics and then proceeded to control me: I let her do it. When we divorced, I got cleaned out.

She became very abusive (verbally and physically) in the last year of our marriage.



ava777
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05 Jun 2013, 11:50 pm

I had an abusive ex and now I can't trust anyone. What was worse is i kept finding psychopaths in different genders, ranks, and relationships. I want so badly to have a romantic partner, but am terrified at being abused again. I don't trust my judgement either. I would say just be there as a friend, but don't "wait" for him at your own expense either.



Dan-O
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08 Jun 2013, 12:46 am

This thread is a carbon copy of the past 8 years of my life. I am living this nightmare right now with an abusive borderline personality redhead maniacal monster of a wife, or was anyway. She abruptly bolted on me in January, leaving me in a house alone with the past two months rent unpaid. That's just the beginning of the whole stroll through hell that it has been and it's a long way from being over. We're not even legally separated and she's already posting pictures of herself with her new boyfriend on bookface.

Haven't logged onto this site in quite a while (three years?). I think I might start hanging around here more often.