I attract negative and depressed people, why?

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Wibbly
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04 Jun 2013, 3:49 pm

And real friends are SO possible. Just relax, give it time, and see if they are worth YOU giving YOUR trust to.

It's a way of looking at things I NEVER thought of!

Wibbly
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04 Jun 2013, 3:58 pm

ThetaIn3D wrote:

What a great thread, this is giving me lots of perspective and encouragement in some unexpected ways.

I tend to fear I'm one of the needy ones, and inwardly I've felt like I've needed a lot of help recently, but I see some bright rays of hope via what's being said here.

It's caused me to realize, even while I feel like I need other people more than ever, I already have a strong inbuilt will not to make my problems other peoples' problems. I definitely do look for people to talk to, and I can really spill my guts on occasion, but I make sure to give people their time and space, and not demand that they have the answers or give me all their attention.

I have learned that if I can find just enough people to have an occasional conversation with, I can patch together all the hope and insight I need out of that. I have a councilor, friends and mentors etc., and I get my support and perspective by distributing my needs across all of them. None of them are my sole means of support.

Sometimes I'm still scared to depend on myself and think I will inevitably fail if I have to get myself there by my own bootstraps, but what helps is recognizing this kind of strength that I've already been utilizing.

Maybe confidence comes from knowing that there is always a "bare minimum" of personal ability and resource that I have and cannot lose, and that it makes me adequate and just as good as anybody else. From there, I just agree to do what I can for myself, and allow myself to be a social being who needs others too, and don't condemn myself for having to lean (briefly) on others once in a while.

I was always very needy and was undiagnosed, but like you, had the drive to do better....I never even proper counselling - just that inner drive that seems typical in many of us. And since my thirties....most people have not recognised the struggle, although - they didn't really see it before either - they just thought I was odd. lol I have found that one group I hung out with, who I was SURE was just putting up with me - thought I was AWESOME fun! (It was a all an inner struggle to seem normal) Best wishes.

ASDsmom
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04 Jun 2013, 7:34 pm

Ya I think you received some sound advice and perspectives here. Back to the first post response: Maybe it's you. I agree and throughout this post, I think you agree as well. People will only tell you what they feel safe to and if you don't want to get involved, you'll have to put an end to that line of conversation - as soon as it happens. Pay attention: How much time are they allowing you to share about your life - wants and needs?

LOL I remember talking with this one person (online) who just wouldn't shut up about himself - his friends, his memories, etc. THEN, one day I cut him off by saying, "Ok, I better let you go. We've been talking for a while now." He responded with, "Oh no, I'm fine. I love listening to your stories." .. and I reacted, "LISTEN TO MY STORIES??? I BARELY had a chance to say ANYTHING AT ALL!!" And then he said, "Well, then I like how you enjoy listening to my stories." .. umm, enjoy?? That was our last conversation. He exhausted me.

CaptainTrips222
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05 Jun 2013, 12:06 am

Sometimes I wonder if I was one of these people who drained others? If so, I wish somebody told me.

Wibbly
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05 Jun 2013, 12:15 am

CaptainTrips222 wrote:

Sometimes I wonder if I was one of these people who drained others? If so, I wish somebody told me.

I was for some people. I didn;t know "how" to behave normally and just relax and "be" a friend. People tried, but I didn;t think they actually wanted ME.....why would they?!

It's hard for them to be so blunt. They pull away instead. Some kindly - some not so. And our black and whiteness seems to really hurt us over that. I was always so timid.

Learning curves. Mimicking....came out better able. Learning to evaluate our interactions helps a lot. =)

Bubbles137
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05 Jun 2013, 1:52 am

YourMajesty wrote:

Hey,

Why do I attract all these unstable and mentally ill people? I feel fine mostly and after I learned to deal with my bf's situation, I'm fine most of the time and emotionally pretty stable. But I mostly seem to befriend people who want a lot of personal attention and who just have a lot of issues.

Edit: I often feel like I'm a psychologist when I'm online for chatting, and all 3 of these mentioned people (except for the one who acts ''stable'') are to quite some extent suicidal.

I have this experience too- out of the people I would consider 'friends', two are 'normal', two have borderline personality (and I think another one does), two have disassociative identity and one is severely depressed. I'm also quite a few peoples 'online therapist' in that I javen't seen them since I left school eight years ago but people message me on FB if they're having a major problem (eg bingeing/self harm/suicidal thoughts etc) as well as for advice generally, or help with school/uni work. Sometimes I feel like people only want me in that role!

Attraction-wise, out of the three people I've 'semi' gone out with, one was coming off heroin (he was really nice but I didn't realise he thought we were going out), one had just tried to kill himself and the other was very manipulative and has turned several people I thought I got on with against me. A woman I work with who I get on well with commented that I need some 'normal' friends and I think she's right but I don't know how! I'm not sure if I attract them or if I'm somehow drawn to negative people.

YourMajesty
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05 Jun 2013, 12:16 pm

Bubbles137 wrote:

YourMajesty wrote:

Yeah... they want me too in the ''I care so much, tell me more about you''-role. Be it psychologist or something else. I don't mean this rude but I can't call it anything else, don't know a better word. They never or rarely show any interest in me as a person, or how I'm doing.

Quote:

Attraction-wise, out of the three people I've 'semi' gone out with, one was coming off heroin (he was really nice but I didn't realise he thought we were going out), one had just tried to kill himself and the other was very manipulative and has turned several people I thought I got on with against me. A woman I work with who I get on well with commented that I need some 'normal' friends and I think she's right but I don't know how! I'm not sure if I attract them or if I'm somehow drawn to negative people.

I use ''attraction'' in a kind of broad sense. So, friends, acquintances, people over the net in general. I hate the suicide thing. This guy I mentioned that made me write OP, let's call him B, talks about suicide too. Maybe I think too bad of others, but I suspect they (subconsciously) use the suicide threat to keep people talking to them.

For me it's helping a lot to see others have this as well and have come up with solutions/ideas. I do feel guilty in a way for just shutting them out. They don't know (I think) how hard it is to talk to them because it's such an effort in terms of energy, time and mood sacrifice. But it's not just problems and one sided contact, but also the fact they refuse to even think about some kind of solution because they say they cannot do it, they got themselves encased in a construction of ''excuses'' if I may call it that.

YourMajesty
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05 Jun 2013, 12:20 pm

ASDsmom wrote:

and I reacted, "LISTEN TO MY STORIES??? I BARELY had a chance to say ANYTHING AT ALL!!" And then he said, "Well, then I like how you enjoy listening to my stories." .. umm, enjoy?? That was our last conversation. He exhausted me.

Interesting, this person was just clueless!

Perhaps many don't even what it's like for the other.

Quote:

People will only tell you what they feel safe to and if you don't want to get involved, you'll have to put an end to that line of conversation - as soon as it happens. Pay attention: How much time are they allowing you to share about your life - wants and needs?

Yes, it needs to be ended quicker. It won't get better, I tried waiting too often with too many people and it never got better.

YourMajesty
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05 Jun 2013, 3:30 pm

And now he's all down. The guy B.

I talked to him a lot the last couple of days. He thought I liked him. He liked that idea.

But, he likes this other girl. So I guess he liked the feeling of being ''popular'' or ''wanted''. The girl he likes has some issues with her mom, making it hard to develop a relationship with B. So, if I'd like him, he'd always have me for if it wouldn't work out with this girl

He says that that's not true and all and that he'd never keep me as a second option but in practice, what is it but just that?

I get mad or hurt over few things and this doesn't make me pissed or anything, I don't care! (really, I don't :wink: ) But if the hypothetical situation were be true I'd be f-ked. He likes B, so he will go for B, and has me as a nice second option

But the point is, discovering I do *not* like him ''that way'' was kind of off-putting so now he's even more down than he was earlier today.

Jeez. And he'll kill himself if he finds out he didn't graduate from high school. At least, that's what he said >_<.

But okay.

Wibbly
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05 Jun 2013, 3:40 pm

You do understand that if you keep going with this you will need to seek out why, in yourself, you cannot let go of something unhealthy?

Not meaning to be rude. Just a challenge.

We need to check our own inner need to bother with this kind of manipulation.

A girl I was "bus stop friends" with had a guy who kept coming back when she was broken up with him. One night he gave her the ultimatum - come back to me or I will kill myself. She finally snapped.....she turned back to the ktichen....got the sharpest knife.....said.."here...just don;'t mess up my doorstep"......handed it to him, shut the door adn turned off the back door light.

An hour later she went to check her back door - clean knife laid carefully down.

Would not have been her fault if he had either. His choice. She never heard from him again.

In a mnaipulative relationship - BOTH parties are getting something unhealthy that is a false comfort to them. Find out what why ya need the false comfort - replace it with the truth and bam - no more needing to be manipulated.

<3

YourMajesty
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13 Jun 2013, 6:52 am

Omg he failed his final exams. He can do a re-exam.

He'd kill himself if his exams would fail. Dunno how serious he was, but he seemed pretty determined and kept on talking about it. Now he feels miserable.

What now. I don't know his parents or anything, I met him through a game (we just live in the same country, that's all). Jeez.

Just wait if he kills himself? What the hell.

This is such a weird situation. He'll have his second chance next Tuesday and I don't know when he'll hear if he made it. He says that if that exam fails he'll jump in front of a train. I KNOW he's likely to do it as he made serious attempts before and he's not just acting emo here. (probably, as far as I know him at this point)

So I know he might do it. Should I contact the local police, where he lives? But who am I to decide for him...

I don't know his family.

aspergerking
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14 Jun 2013, 1:07 am

because you are negative and depressed

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