I bought myself lunch on my way home from school last month and when she saw this, she immediately said "So you didn't get any for me even though I get some for you every time? Incredible. F***ing incredible". She doesn't even buy me food, she just offers me bites of whatever she buys herself, which I turn down anyway. I left the food in the kitchen and went to my room to put my bags away and came back to see her about to throw away my lunch. She put it back and just sat down and watched TV like nothing ever happened.
Then last Friday she got home a few minutes after I got home, and opens to downstairs door to let the cat up. She said out loud (I'm not sure if she knew I was home): "Oh cat have you been down there all day? Oh of course you have even though people let the dog in and out and in and out but not the cat because the cat belongs to the mother and nobody likes the f***ing mother". She then started to slam a bunch of cupboards and doors. My dad (who owns the dog) and I probably let the cat in and out more than she does, but she's usually too busy watching TV or asleep to notice.
She found out about 10 years ago that my dad was having an affair. She told me and at the time I hated my father for it. She said several times over the next few years that he would be moving out, but it never happened. I eventually noticed that even though my mother and father never spoke, my father still treated me like he wanted the best for me. My relationship with him got better, but my mother told me that I "should be mean to him because he's cheating on [her]", and that I was a little s*** for it.
Growing up I felt like it was my responsibility to let her provide for me, otherwise she might get depressed. She thinks the last time I loved her was when she bought me the ****ing Nintendo gamecube. She literally started crying when she saw that my dad bought me a video game before she did, and on another occasion asked me if "Daddy thought buying [me] a new keyboard would make [me] love him?". She would take me out of school so we could go watch movies together, and she would occasionally comment that she was a terrible mother, but kept doing it anyway.
I don't even see this as a family anymore even though my mom and dad are still married. It's just a collection of individuals living together (my sister lives with us, and usually watches TV with my mom when she's not at work). I don't really speak unless spoken to, and my father is the only one who asks me what I've been up to. My mother will do things like I described above every now and then, whether it be physically closing doors to block me from her for a week for no apparent reason, or making passive aggressive remarks when I don't want to watch Megashark vs Octopus with her.
The few times I've tried talking to her have been pointless. She says she's always wanted to me to think my father was a good person, or says she just can't help herself, or says she will change but doesn't try.
I began helping a neighbor take care of her children, and began talking to her a nearly regular basis. She is the only person to tell me to get a job, or to volunteer. She's also the only one who encouraged me when I seemed depressed. My own mother doesn't care at all if I get a job, and has never noticed when I seemed depressed. I know this neighbor didn't raise me as a child or anything like that, but in a way I feel she has been more of a mother figure to me than my actual mother.
05 Jun 2013, 12:11 am
