my friend has cancer / advice needed

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I'm not sure we're really close friends; actually, she's one of those people I always wanted to be my friends but didn't know how to approach (which is not her fault because she's a very kind person; it's just me). I've known her for years; we haven't met very often though. I don't know if she thinks of me as her friend or just an acquaintance.
Anyway, I've got this feeling like I can lose someone very important. I was shocked when I was told about it.

And then, there's another thing; in fact, this is what I'm anxious about
The point is that I'm very bad at giving emotional support... I mean all these things like sympathetic looks, hugging, finding the right words - whenever I try to do it I feel like I'm faking it. I'm ready to render any practical help but I don't know how to offer it.

Here's what I've found in an old thread here on WP:
(zemanski: )Some people on the spectrum are actually hyper-sensitive to emotion and over-empathise which causes as many problems as not being aware of other people's feelings - if you physically feel someone else's pain or grief (some people experience this even when watching TV) then it becomes overwhelming and can lead to shut down which would look like lack of empathy.
The problem is not so much lack of empathy as not knowing what to do with the feelings - instead of the instinctive approach leading to recognition of the feelings and appropriate noises, many ASC people recognise the feelings, even know they should be responding to them, but either can't cope and run away or can't figure out what the person suffering or celebrating actually expects from them. Often they will respond later than expected, having had to figure it all out cognitively, or with something practical rather than the emotional support another NT would provide without even thinking about it, and, in NT terms, that is inappropriate and seen as uncaring.

This is more or less what is going on. Or maybe I'm really f*****g uncaring, I don't know.
I'm saying to myself all the time that it doesn't matter how I feel, it only matters what's happening to her; but it won't help, I'm only getting more and more into stupor.

Now, she's been away for two weeks as she had her surgery and chemo in another town. I haven't called her all this time (I asked my guy instead), I know it sucks but I just didn't know what to say. Soon she'll be back in town and I want to see her but I'm afraid I might damage her emotionally with this my freaky attitude. Or just by saying something stupid.

And, I'm so angry with myself for having to deal with all this instead of giving my attention to the person who really needs help.
She's got no family, no one to support her except her sister who lives far from here, and a few friends.

If you know what can be done about this please advise, I've got no one to talk about it

I expected this thread to ask for advice to cure the cancer, I think its about emotional issues though which is a bit beyond my understanding, but I would say, you shouldn't ignore your friend, you don't even have to bring up the subject, just be there for her, so many people are fair weather friends that run a mile when things are unpleasant.

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Maybe they work, maybe they dont, I just know that a lot of people claim they cure cancer and I know if I got it, thats what I would try.

just be there for her dont focus on the cancer

I would call her and be up front about wanting to help but not knowing how. I'd say something like "I'm horrible with trying to be emotionally supportive even though I care and I want to offer emotional support. When I try to do that I sometimes end up making the person feel worse than they did before they talked to me. However, I'm really good at practical support. While I may not be the best shoulder to cry on or ear to listen, I am very good at being the ride to the doctor's office or to run to the grocery store or to walk the dog or whatever you need like that. I really want to do something to help out right now and don't know what you need so I can't volunteer for anything specific so I'm asking you to just call me and tell me when you need something done and I'll be more than happy to do it. Just let me know what I can do specifically and I'll be there for you."

Asking her what exactly she wants done and when, and letting her know that it's not bother for you to do it is probably better than just stopping by and smiling and nodding and holding her hand. It also may be a relief for her to know that she doesn't have to get all "Terms Of Endearment" with you too, that she can just ask you to do something without having to rehash all her recent struggles and listen to yet another pep talk.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
My forum is still there and everyone is welcome to come join as well. There is a private women only subforum there if anyone is interested. Also, there is no CAPTCHA.

The link to the forum is http://www.rightplanet.proboards.com

Most people I think are looking to retain some sort of normallity so perhaps you should just try to act as normal as you can, not sure ignoring is a good idea is that is normal. I know the last close person to have cancer did not want to talk too much about cancer, just wanted me close and to talk and continue on with our normal activties.

I have kind of the same problem with a childhood friend of mine who lives with a mysterious, debilitating, and seemingly untreatable abdominal pain. He has a wife and children but can't work and doesn't really even leave the house much. He's one of those guys who doesn't like to share emotion much so it's kind of awkward being with him as I'm afraid to come off as "pitying". I visit once in a while to play games. He appreciates it when I do come over but isn't in the mood to have visitors very often.

I don't know. Maybe you can first just try to smile or make friendly small talk a little more than usual and then ask how she's doing at a point when she's not too busy with anything. You'll know if she wants to talk based on how she reacts. If she talks then just listen and act sympathetic. If she just gives a short answer then it's probably just not the right time, not necessarily that she doesn't want sympathy ever. That's the best I can really say. My problem is I get anxious and then it's harder.

Glad to hear you were able to talk.