I realize I still have problems with tact

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League_Girl
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07 Jun 2013, 9:00 am

So I can say things in a nice way but I came across this and got stumped on some of the questions. In real life I will go I don't know or shrug because I don't know the answer to a question or just say it abruptly what is on my mind. But here were my natural responses, what are yours.


This test is at the level of a 9-11 year old.


1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?

(felt stumped here and had to think of an answer) It's fine

2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?

I don't want to talk, I'm busy.

3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?

No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.

4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?

You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)

5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?

You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)


6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?


I don't like this meal but everyone has their own taste in food so I am sure you still did a good job with it




Are these tactful enough? I still get told I am too honest or too blunt or say hurtful things or people laugh at what I say.


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mikassyna
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07 Jun 2013, 9:17 am

League_Girl wrote:
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?

(felt stumped here and had to think of an answer) It's fine


Tactful response: Thank you for being so thoughtful Grandma!

League_Girl wrote:
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?

I don't want to talk, I'm busy.


Tactful response: ??? It really depends on why I don't like her. That would determine how tactful I might try to be LOL

League_Girl wrote:
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?

No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.


Tactful response: Wow, she'll probably grow up to look just like you! I can see the resemblance!

League_Girl wrote:
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?

You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)


I think your response is fine.

League_Girl wrote:
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?

You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)


I think this is fine too. But if there were a lot of people around I would just get their attention and point to my teeth where the broccoli is stuck in theirs. This is the usual tactful way to do it, I don't know why, especially because most other people have probably already seen it too.

League_Girl wrote:
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?

I don't like this meal but everyone has their own taste in food so I am sure you still did a good job with it


Tactful response: Thank you for cooking for us! Um, I'm not feeling very well and don't really have an appetite right now. Would you mind if I just had some water?



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07 Jun 2013, 10:20 am

League_Girl wrote:
So I can say things in a nice way but I came across this and got stumped on some of the questions. In real life I will go I don't know or shrug because I don't know the answer to a question or just say it abruptly what is on my mind. But here were my natural responses, what are yours.


This test is at the level of a 9-11 year old.


1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?

(felt stumped here and had to think of an answer) It's fine

Mine: well, it's not really my style but it's really thoughtful of you. (because otherwise how do you explain not wearing it and it's a family member so easier to be honest)

2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?

I don't want to talk, I'm busy.

Mine: I would whisper or gesticulate something to indicate no.

3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?

No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.

Mine: Something similar to you probably.

4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?

You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)

Mine: The same.

5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?

You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)

Mine: The same.

6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?

I don't like this meal but everyone has their own taste in food so I am sure you still did a good job with it

Mine: I'm so sorry, I don't eat liver. Don't worry I can have a sandwich or some toast.

Are these tactful enough? I still get told I am too honest or too blunt or say hurtful things or people laugh at what I say.


I don't know if yours are tactful enough because I have always had trouble with this too. I would also have an absolutely pounding heart and high anxiety at being asked those questions, whereas an NT would just roll a lie off the tongue probably without giving it a 2nd thought.


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07 Jun 2013, 10:26 am

mikassyna wrote:
League_Girl wrote:
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?

No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.


Tactful response: Wow, she'll probably grow up to look just like you! I can see the resemblance!

:lol: LMAO! Naughty! Me like! :lol:


I know the tactful responses but I likely wouldn't have given them in most cases. For instance I wouldn't lie about the food, I might be served it again and I'm likely to barf if I push it on myself, so I would admit to not liking the meal. Hen's liver is awful btw! Had it once, thought it was minced meat. Boy it wasn't!

And I totally agree with mikassyna regarding "Jane". It would depend on why I didn't like her.


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07 Jun 2013, 11:23 am

Concurring with the previous posters, I found your answers to be tactful enough.


Nevertheless, here are my somewhat-but-not-really-tactful answers.

Quote:
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how you like it.


(Assuming my grandmothers were still alive) "This isn't usually the style I go for, but I should be able to do something very creative with it."

Quote:
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her.


I would probably suck it up and speak to Jane anyways, largely due to the fact that people only call me when the matter is urgent.

Quote:
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?"


I have never met a child that I have not genuinely found to be adorable; if such a case were to ever arise, however, I would probably reply something along the lines of:
(Allowing a small chuckle) "She's something else!"

Quote:
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel.


"Excuse me, Miss/Sir; you have something suck to the back of your shoe."

Quote:
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.


If the friend and I were alone, I would simply state, "Hey, there's a piece of broccoli in your teeth."
If we were in company, I would either gesture to my teeth or send said friend a text.

Quote:
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner, which you think is disgusting.


"I'm so sorry, but I'm a vegetarian." (which I actually am)
If I were not a vegetarian, I would probably place the tiniest bit possible on my plate; when questioned about the scarcity, I would state that I am not very hungry due to having ate a larger meal earlier that day.



daydreamer84
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07 Jun 2013, 12:16 pm

Here are some answers I've given to similar questions in the past. I'm not tactful either.

League_Girl wrote:
1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?


I hesitated for a long time and then said "Yes" in a very sullen, probably unconvincing way. In my case it was my step-mom giving it to me for my birthday.

League_Girl wrote:
2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?


TO mum: "Noooo, I don't want to talk to her" To her: In annoyed voice "I can't talk now..I'm watching a TV show".

League_Girl wrote:
3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?


This has never happened to me. I'd probably respond to her the same way I did to my step-mum in the first situation, say nothing for a long time and then realize I'm supposed to say yes and say "yes" but probably not convincingly.

League_Girl wrote:
4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?


I'd point it out and tell her she has something stuck to her shoe like you did.

League_Girl wrote:
5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?


"There's something stuck in your teeth" (points it out). Have done this.


League_Girl wrote:
6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?


In my case it was at my aunt's and she had roast beef. I just didn't eat it and when she asked why not I said "I don't like roast beef". This was this year, at 28 years old. :lol: All of these examples are fairly recent, sadly.


League_Girl wrote:
Are these tactful enough? I still get told I am too honest or too blunt or say hurtful things or people laugh at what I say.


I don't know....I'm told I'm too honest and blunt by my family too. I think telling someone they have something between their teeth or on their shoes is okay but as someone else mentioned you're supposed to do it quietly if other people are around.
* EDIT- For the present I didn't like and ugly baby situations , I do know the tactful response. I know I;m supposed to smile and say yes "so cute" or "so nice" ect. The situation with my step-mum might be a bad example. There's something I don't like about her....our personalities clash (she's a good person though) and my non-verbal cues always reflect this dislike. I would try to smile while saying yes I like a present normally, I think. I'm still not sure how convincing I'd be but I'd try not to look sullen and would lie about this if asked directly. If I wasn't asked if I liked it I'd just say thank you and not say whether I liked it or not.



Last edited by daydreamer84 on 07 Jun 2013, 10:42 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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07 Jun 2013, 5:21 pm

1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?

Smile and say thank you...plus try to hide my reaction to it. I don't want her to feel hurt...so lying here is ok and is expected.

2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?

I tell her I'm busy and keep saying this like this until she gets my point. Unless she is on the spectrum: then I would be more direct.

3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?

Smile and say aww...and then ask her more questions about the baby so I'm not forced to look at it, haha. Babies are so ugly in general...they look like little trolls!

4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?

You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)

5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?

You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)

6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?

Sorry, I'm a vegetarian (which I am :) )


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07 Jun 2013, 11:07 pm

Screw tact, I'd rather have people be honest with me and I only think it's fair to be honest with everyone else.


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08 Jun 2013, 12:52 am

League_Girl wrote:
So I can say things in a nice way but I came across this and got stumped on some of the questions. In real life I will go I don't know or shrug because I don't know the answer to a question or just say it abruptly what is on my mind. But here were my natural responses, what are yours.


This test is at the level of a 9-11 year old.


1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?

(felt stumped here and had to think of an answer) It's fine

"Oh I love it! Thank you!"

2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?

I don't want to talk, I'm busy.

I'd tell Jane "I'm about to walk out the door, I'm sorry, let me call you back later ok?" or if Jane hadn't heard her tell me the phone is for me I'd tell her to say I just left.

3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?

No. I think mine is the cutest than all the other babies like all parents do about their kids.

"Oh, she is! She's beautiful!"

4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?

You have something stuck to your shoe (points to it)

Same

5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?

You have something between your teeth (points to the spot on her teeth)

As soon as you notice it, tell her. Point to your teeth and say "You have something right there", not after 10 minutes.


6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?


I don't like this meal but everyone has their own taste in food so I am sure you still did a good job with it

"We are having something special at home, so I'm going to wait and eat there" or "I should have said something, I'm stuck on this vegetarian diet for another couple of weeks, I'll just have some bread/potatoes/salad" or even "Oh, no thank you, you all go on ahead I'm just not really hungry. I have to go make a phone call anyway"



Are these tactful enough? I still get told I am too honest or too blunt or say hurtful things or people laugh at what I say.


Sometimes in minor things it's best to lie and say the nice thing rather than to tell the truth and be rude or hurtful. The liver is one thing where depending on the person who cooked it it's probably ok to say "I just can't eat liver, I'm sorry" because a lot of people hate liver.


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08 Jun 2013, 1:30 am

MathGirl wrote:
Screw tact, I'd rather have people be honest with me and I only think it's fair to be honest with everyone else.


:lol: I agree with you to a certain extent but if someone gives you a gift and asks if you like it there's no real point in being honest about that. They already bought it and gave it to you.....it wouldn't accomplish anything to tell them you didn;t like it and it would hurt their feelings. Or if you thought someone's baby was ugly.....telling them that will only hurt them and they can't really do anything about it....unless there's plastic surgery for infants....which is probably inadvisable anyway. :D I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone I liked a present I didn't like, I'd just say thank you and leave it at that unless they specifically asked..same with the baby situation, I wouldn;t mention it unless they asked me directly if I thought it (he or she)was cute. Then again I'd want to know if I had something stuck to my shoe or caught in my teeth. Also when people say "we should get together sometime" but they don't really want to spend time with you "just to be polite" that's just confusing and mis-leading and I'd appreciate someone not going out of their way to say that. It's unkind because I think I have a friend (someone who wants to spend time with me and then it hurts me when they don't. SO I think it depends on the situation.



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08 Jun 2013, 5:12 am

1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?

(Find something about it you like. There has to be something.) "I love the color...softness...fit." (Just pick the one thing you did like, and hope it won't mean you get the same thing next year.) Then hug grandma and/or tell her you love her. Because that's the most important thing to a grandma.

2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?

Mouth or whisper to your Mom, "tell her I am in the bathroom." Also tell her to say something similar every time Jane phones, until your feelings change toward Jane. (I'm not big on talking to people when one or the other dislikes the other one.)

3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
friend asks you, “Isn’t she the cutest?” What should you say?

Like with the shirt. Pick one thing that is cute. Then say "What a cute...dimple" or whatever you picked. I think this tactic is fair since I don't think a polite person asks a leading question like that. Lol

4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?

Go up close so no one else can hear and tell her. You are doing her a favor.

(ETA: if that is not possible, I have done the following for someone who is trailing a sheet of toilet paper roll behind their shoe but doesn't know it: Silently but quickly sneak up behind them and just put the toe of your shoe on the end of the piece of paper. As they move forward, it will unstick from their shoe. Now carefully dislodge it from your own shoe and kick it to the wall where it can't stick to anyone else. This method works really well. It's best done without much ado.)

5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?

Try to subtly point to your own teeth, and hope your friend catches on. If not, find a way to tell them by a whisper in their ear or a note or something.

6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?

Don't say anything. Eat around it as best you can. If all else fails, chop it into tiny pieces, and when everyone else is about done, that's when to begin 'eating' the food. But actually just put a few bites in your mouth, ask if you can be excused, then go to the bathroom and quietly spit it into the toilet and flush. By the time you return to the table hopefully the plate has been taken away. (I used to do that one as a child when we had steak.)

Plan B would be to hope they have a dog and feed it under the table. (Make sure it can eat whatever the food is without harm.)



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09 Jun 2013, 7:22 am

I just discovered a pretty interesting quote on the matter;
“Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.”
-Winston Churchill



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09 Jun 2013, 8:20 am

OP, I don't think your replies were all that bad!



1. For Christmas, your grandmother gives you a sweatshirt which you think is ugly. She asks how
you like it. What should you say?

*puts it on* "It's really warm!" (this avoids what it looks like entirely, while still complimenting with what is technically the truth)

2. You are watching TV and the phone rings. Your mom answers it and tells you it’s Jane. You
don’t like Jane and don’t want to talk to her. What should you say?

"Please, no." *is handed the phone anyway* *Gives monosyllabic answers to Jane, until Jane gives up.*

3. Your friend gets a new baby sister and you think it is the ugliest baby you’ve ever seen. Your
I like previous poster's suggestion, "She looks so much like you!"


4. Your teacher is walking down the hallway with a piece of trash stuck to her shoe heel. What
should you say?

"Got something on your shoe there." <---But ONLY if I like them and am comfortable with them

5. Your friend has been talking for 10 minutes with a big piece of broccoli stuck between his teeth.
What should you say?

"Get that, please." or "Get that, or I'm getting that for you," the latter being if I really like them. The same way about tucking tags back into the shirt.


6. You are visiting your friend’s house and your friend’s mom serves liver and onions for dinner,
which you think is disgusting. What should you say?

I hope desperately that there are other side dishes that I can load up on. I don't eat the liver and onions, and reply, "I'm sorry, I don't eat red meat. (truth) Don't worry, though, I'm not that hungry anyway."


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09 Jun 2013, 9:33 am

daydreamer84 wrote:
MathGirl wrote:
Screw tact, I'd rather have people be honest with me and I only think it's fair to be honest with everyone else.
:lol: I agree with you to a certain extent but if someone gives you a gift and asks if you like it there's no real point in being honest about that. They already bought it and gave it to you.....it wouldn't accomplish anything to tell them you didn;t like it and it would hurt their feelings. Or if you thought someone's baby was ugly.....telling them that will only hurt them and they can't really do anything about it....unless there's plastic surgery for infants....which is probably inadvisable anyway. :D I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone I liked a present I didn't like, I'd just say thank you and leave it at that unless they specifically asked..same with the baby situation, I wouldn;t mention it unless they asked me directly if I thought it (he or she)was cute. Then again I'd want to know if I had something stuck to my shoe or caught in my teeth. Also when people say "we should get together sometime" but they don't really want to spend time with you "just to be polite" that's just confusing and mis-leading and I'd appreciate someone not going out of their way to say that. It's unkind because I think I have a friend (someone who wants to spend time with me and then it hurts me when they don't. SO I think it depends on the situation.
I have trouble buying presents because I don't want to give someone something they don't like. If they don't tell me up-front that they don't like it, then I can't do anything about it. If they do tell me up-front, on the other hand, then I could take it back or return it and then ask the person what they DO like and get them that. It wouldn't hurt my feelings at all. Maybe I'm just a weirdo who doesn't even identify with others with AS in this regard... As with a baby, I just wouldn't give my opinion either way because there is no point, unless the baby is extremely cute and it catches my eye so I would genuinely comment on that.


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09 Jun 2013, 9:52 am

MathGirl wrote:
daydreamer84 wrote:
MathGirl wrote:
Screw tact, I'd rather have people be honest with me and I only think it's fair to be honest with everyone else.
:lol: I agree with you to a certain extent but if someone gives you a gift and asks if you like it there's no real point in being honest about that. They already bought it and gave it to you.....it wouldn't accomplish anything to tell them you didn;t like it and it would hurt their feelings. Or if you thought someone's baby was ugly.....telling them that will only hurt them and they can't really do anything about it....unless there's plastic surgery for infants....which is probably inadvisable anyway. :D I wouldn't go out of my way to tell someone I liked a present I didn't like, I'd just say thank you and leave it at that unless they specifically asked..same with the baby situation, I wouldn;t mention it unless they asked me directly if I thought it (he or she)was cute. Then again I'd want to know if I had something stuck to my shoe or caught in my teeth. Also when people say "we should get together sometime" but they don't really want to spend time with you "just to be polite" that's just confusing and mis-leading and I'd appreciate someone not going out of their way to say that. It's unkind because I think I have a friend (someone who wants to spend time with me and then it hurts me when they don't. SO I think it depends on the situation.
I have trouble buying presents because I don't want to give someone something they don't like. If they don't tell me up-front that they don't like it, then I can't do anything about it. If they do tell me up-front, on the other hand, then I could take it back or return it and then ask the person what they DO like and get them that. It wouldn't hurt my feelings at all. Maybe I'm just a weirdo who doesn't even identify with others with AS in this regard... As with a baby, I just wouldn't give my opinion either way because there is no point, unless the baby is extremely cute and it catches my eye so I would genuinely comment on that.



I quit buying presents when I was about 24. I used to do gift receipts so they can take it back or exchange it. It made it better that way.


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Son: Diagnosed w/anxiety and ADHD. Also academic delayed.

Daughter: NT, no diagnoses.