Aspies from well-to-do Families – Do you feel like a Failure

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Ultimately, changing one's frame of reference (called "reframing" in Psychology) is a conscious choice. You just decide to one day, and then practise and practise, and resist the craving for the old frame of reference as you would resist any other bad habit like cigarettes. You remind yourself: "I'm not like them, I don't want to be measured by the same standards. I have a lot to achieve and succeed in, in my own world, by my own standards, not theirs. Theirs is not the only (or even assured) way to happiness. They do the best they can with what they have, I want to do the best I can with my own advantages and disadvantages. I make use of my priviledged logical analysis, they do their best with their intuition".

Aspie or not, living by others' standards is a mediocre way of being, however much you succeed at those standards of theirs.

(sorry for the 3 posts, I didn't want to add to the first post because I know you're reading now and you would've missed the additions).

Moondust - I am not certain. I guess I would just like to have the capability to interact with people without so much effort. I have a hard time figuring out what to say to most people. I am envious of those who can have 10 or 15 minute conversations, seamlessly moving from topic to topic to topic.

I've always been disappointed in myself. I felt like there were things I wanted to do but couldn't because of AS. My parents were working class, and I was their only child. My dad couldn't hold down a job, and my mom worked for a local school district. They were from the hippie era, not actually dope smoking flower children but they held many of the same views, and to them all they hoped for was that I support myself and not be a criminal. I'm not a criminal, but I live off SSI.

I wanted to be independent, I put a high value on not being a "leech" or a "welfare bum", my dad was real conservative in the John Birch style and he just wanted me to be self-supporting and not to smoke dope or commit crimes. I don't smoke dope or commit crimes, but I can't support myself, and in that way I disappointed him. I tried for many years to find a way to support myself, I even went to trade school at the age of 30 to learn computer repair in the hopes of supporting myself that way, but nothing worked out. I don't seem to have a place for myself in society, and now plan to save my SSI money and buy land in Oregon and live as a hermit.

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I can at least say that I know how you feel, to an extent. My family wasn't wealthy, but like many here, my high IQ (and hyperlexia) meant that I felt that my parents and other adults expected me to grow up and become something marvelous, exceptional, something they couldn't. The problem was, of course, that I was raised in the eighties, which meant almost no one knew what Asperger's was.

My only sibling is my brother. I think he's very NT, and I say that with admiration. He's always been a diplomatic, smooth socializer and is a genuinely nice person, a great father, etc. He became an electrician, mostly via making the right social contacts for school and getting into a job at the right time and so on (he is very smart, but I think his career, like most successful careers is built on a social foundation). He's a good father, he's married, has a lovely house and I'm very happy for him.

Then there's me, the girl everyone expected the world of. I'm divorced, no children (I don't think I could handle it, psychologically or financially), I stopped after getting a Bachelor's in English Lit because I was fighting depression and anxiety that became so severe that I had a major break down. I had trouble paying back loans, worked menial jobs for years, and then eventually managed to get back into school for what I do now, which is lab medicine. I don't make a lot of money, I'm getting by, but barely.

Am I a failure? Objectively, no.

Do I feel like I'm a failure compared to the person I thought I was going to grow up to be? Yes, absolutely.

Fior's both sets of grandparents were wealthy, and his parents made about 500K/year. He feels like a total failure.

He isn't into sports-dad's a huge football fan. Or golf. Really any sport.

He's not the social butterfly, like his executive dad. His father could sell Global Warming as a good idea to polar bears.

He's on disability from work because of his meltdown there.

Fior's parents (his mother HAS to be on the spectrum, she acts just like Fior) have always been okay to us. Fior has a memory like an elephant, so he harbors all these perceived slights, hurts and f#ck ups that his parents did from way back when. His dad is a boot strap type of guy, but he's like that with EVERYONE, not just Fior.

Sh#tty parenting+an Aspie kid=failure all around.

I do have a hard time relating. My summers were spent watching the heat waves bounce off the cement. His were spent getting dragged all over Europe and Asia. He makes it sound like he got beat with rubber hoses, and stuffed into a gimp box.

So..when Fior explains his issues like living in Europe and Asia, about 90% of his audience do a near fatal eye roll. It's a little like listening to the Royals b***h -how hard their life is-. Oh, in the 70s you got to jet around, do exotic things, and all you wanted was hamburgers and root beer. Let's call the Waaa-bulance right now. That is how most people react to his stories.

No NT would get the trauma of shuffled around, no permanence, all the sensory issues and couple that with two parents who believe the universe spins around them. I'm surprised Fior isn't more messed up from that.

Perceived failure is a big issue in our home.

What I meant by sh#tty parenting+Aspie kid=failure all around.

I don't think my husband is a failure. He was born before Autism was even a diagnosis.  Even if he was born today, with the same parents, it proabably wouldn't be much different.  They would fail him again. Everything revolves around them, as in privileged people should get perks. Their world view is upper middle class, and needy, introverted Aspie kid need not apply. Their needy, Aspie kid was viewed as a huge PITA, a drama queen and the killer of all things fun. Like meltdown down in a foreign airport after a 7 hour plane flight. -You little, ungrateful beast. It's all about you? Right? -Like I said, neither parent would waste their time to ABA therapy or social stories even now. Kids are an accessory. Kids should go with the flow. Kids should not encroach on adult fun.

Fior's mom wrote his shrink a letter about what he was like as a child. Wow. I asked Fior, who the hell was this kid? The child in the letter was a perfect NT, had friends, was well liked by classmates, sunshine, rainbows and My Little Ponies. We howled with laughter reading that work of fiction. She doesn't have a clue. And never will.

So that is what failure all round means. Cluelessness on their part to even try to understand their child. And that perceived failure has spilled into every aspect of Fior's life.

*need more practice on this blasted mobile phone. delete duplicate post*

Last edited by Tawaki on 08 Jun 2013, 9:37 am, edited 1 time in total.

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girly_aspie - Thanks for your reply. It makes so much sense.

Objectively, I cannot consider myself a failure. I have made it this far in life (going on 50 years). I am quite fortunate to be married, have 2 kids and have both food and shelter. It's not perfect (nothing is). As my wife (who works in the mental health field) constantly tells me, I need to be more appreciative.

Yet...compared to the person I thought I was going to be (or, originally thought I was capable of being). That's a different story.

When reviewing my diagnosis with me (almost two months ago), the Psychologist recommended therapy in order to understand “What does Aspergers mean to me and how do I move forward in the world”.

I have been thinking about this a lot (since that time).

It's only now becoming obvious to me that I have still not accepted the diagnosis. I remain focused on who I should be, instead of being satisfied with who I actually am. I continue to compare myself to neurotypicals and lament on why I cannot be more like them, instead of accepting those Aspie qualities that make me unique and special.

As Moondust indicated, I need to drive away those "demons" and "change my frame of reference to one that suits who I am".

Wow. These discussions are very therapeutic. At least for me. Thank you.

You seem to still consider yourself a failure, because it seems that you are still trying to live up to the expectations of your father, and that you have internalised these. This can be seen in the type of jobs you applied for (managerial), and your disappointment in your social skills and your envy of NTs in theirs.

You need to set your own goals, and go for jobs you can enjoy, you only live once so make the best of it. I was lucky that because of my eyesight, I could not live up to my fathers expectations of becoming an airforce pilot, and when I later became involved in the anti vietnam war movement and the drug culture, he disowned me. This allowed me to fumble along and set my own goals.

I made many mistakes, but they were mine and I am happy the way things turned out. I only found out I was an aspie earlier this year at the age of 63, I would have loved to have found out earlier, but such is life.

It is not too late to accept yourself for what you are (an aspie) , set your own goals and pursue them. Remember live is about enjoying what you are doing, not perfection.

kabouter - Thanks for your comments. They are dead on. The “father thing” has definitely plagued me throughout my life. It has led to some poor decisions (vis a vis the person that I really am).



You are a wise man. Another wise man made a similar comment to me ~ 20 years ago when I started on this managerial path. He asked me what demons were driving this decision. At the time, I didn’t understand what he was talking about. Now I do. As he knew better.



Makes sense. Unfortunately, I have always had great difficulty setting goals for myself. I’ve read that this can be a problem for Aspies (perhaps related to Executive Functioning difficulties). Interestingly, my early life goals were all established for me.



Thank you. The advice is appreciated.

I feel like a failure but it has nothing to do with my family. It has more to do with not being to create stable and meaningful relationships with my peers.