Mother-in-law

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Let me start by saying that I have the most awesome mother-in-law a girl could ask for. She knows I'm a little off and loves and respects me anyway. Probably because her last daughter-in-law did my husband so badly. But she is great. Here's the problem: She lost her mother (my husband's grandmother) on Wednesday. She was her primary caregiver right up til she died, and mom-in-law is devastated. She is pulling it together, but was saying how lonely she is. As she has been suggesting we go shopping together for a while, I suggested we go Friday (my husband works Friday, so girl's day...)

I have no real clue how to handle this. I don't know what to say, especially since I had only met the lady once (my husband doesn't talk to that side of the family past his mom) so I can't speculate on whether she is in a better place. And no, she really didn't look beautiful in the casket, she looked dead. And I have a really hard time with most people's ideas on handling death. I just don't understand all the stuff people do like making up the body to lay open and let people stare at it or putting flowers on the grave and such. I understand that before caskets, real flowers were planted to cover the smell of decomposition, but my husband said it would be better if I didn't point that out.

Add to that the fact that I don't usually like to go shopping with people because if there are too many people around and I get overwhelmed I can't really hide in a corner until I calm down with her pulling on my arm and saying "Come on, let's go look at purses." She know's I'm a little off, but she has never seen me get bad stressed.

This was a really bad idea. But she was so upset, and her hurting is taking a toll on my husband... I need to do this, but I'm so afraid of making things worse...

it's always appropriate to say, "i'm sorry for your loss." otherwise, follow her lead. listen if she wants to talk.

Maybe write a note -

"I am so sorry for your loss. You are the most awesome mother-in-law a girl could ask for.
Your company is very important to me, and I look forward to spending time with you.
Forgive me if I seem a little nervous today.
I get a bit anxious in crowds, and awkward with knowing the right words when someone special is grieving"

Give her a smile and hug.

Focus on her in the conversation, not her dead mother. And actually I knew that about the flowers. I can give you a lot of weird facts about death now and then and also embalming if you are interested. It's an interest.

_________________
I'm giving it another shot. We will see.
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How about you let her in on your anxiousness, in a note as someone suggested above, or perhaps in a face to face conversation if you can manage it? She sounds like a wonderful, caring woman and very much worth the effort, she could ask you questions and you could help her to understand you a bit better. I understand how motivated you are to do this for her, but perhaps you could find a stepping stone to the shopping trip? You can go shopping anytime, that's one of the most pleasurable things about it, you can't use it up! I'm thinking perhaps about having a quiet lunch with her somewhere and then only proceed to the shopping if you feel comfortable enough to, or perhaps pick somewhere to go that will be quiet and away from the crowds?

With regard to talking about her mother I'd simply take her lead, talk about it if she felt like it, but I suspect the shopping trip is less to talk about the past and more to do with the future and perhaps getting to know you better now she has the time.

Thanks so much for the excellent suggestions. I will write her a note, that's brilliant! And I'm sure it will be okay. And one of the great things about her is that she likes to talk and doesn't always require active participation in the conversation. So if I just let her talk I won't have to do much more than take her lead.