I need advice.

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I'll state events in chronological order.

My mother has a realization that her son (me) may be autistic.

She buys books and reads up on it and then tells me that I have Asperger's syndrome.

I believe it for a time and also do plenty of research.

My dad wants to ignore it all and forget about it.

I want a diagnosis. My parents don't want me to get a diagnosis.

I mention to my friend that I probably have Asperger's Syndrome. He tells me that he has a cousin with AS and that I'm nothing like him thus cannot have AS. He says I am the way I am because I have always been home schooled.

I switch to this idea and mention it to my mom.

She is somewhat annoyed and tells me that she "diagnosed me" and that she has read enough books on the matter that she would know.

I stick with my idea of homeschooling stuff.

She proceeds to make backhanded references such as, I met this one kid who was home schooled today, he was completely normal or, "See how normal and sociable that guy is? He was home schooled."

I am annoyed but just brush all these statements off.

I open up to the idea that I have AS (Well, now HFA.)

I ask my mom if I could perhaps aim for an analysis from a psychiatrist. She tells me that she doesn't want me labelled or viewed differently if I am diagnosed and that she is certain that I have AS (aka "No you can't).

Present

On the outside I think I'm ok with forgetting about everything and moving on, but my mother makes that impossible since she keeps asking me to read books about autism. I'm not mad at her or anything, she's a very wonderful individual, just... not ideal in dealing with her ideas of my mental state .

Do you guys think I should keep pushing for a diagnosis or just keep trying to forget about it? I admit that I'm currently unsure of how I feel about it all. I think I want to ignore it but I think that deep down I really want to know... I'm honestly unsure of what I want... except that my mom would stop reminding me of irrelevant ideas- especially in front of other people! She said in front of my aunt and cousins, "See how that one home schooled boy was home schooled but not weird like you at all?" I said, "Wth... I'm normal mom."

I am strange, I get that... most people are in some way though.

tl;dr

My mom keeps bringing up the idea that I may have AS when I would rather just forget. I would like a diagnosis if she wants to keep reminding me about it but she doesn't want me to get a diagnosis.

Should I keep trying to ignore her and the idea that I'm autistic or try to push for a diagnosis?

Thanks for the help.

Just do or tell her whatever you need to to get her off your back. If that means dropping the official diagnosis, then do it. I barely knew what AS was when I was diagnosed at 16, and you know what it did for me? Nothing. Being diagnosed means nothing at all, it's just an opinion. There is no definitive answer or neurobiological basis of what causes AS, so to those who say that a diagnosis is somehow special because it is a professional opinion, it is still JUST AN OPINION. What is really important is knowing yourself: your strengths and limitations and what ramifications that holds for the kind of life you want to live and the kind of life you can live. What you need is an operant definition of yourself, not a diagnosis.

Are you legally a minor where you live? That could impact how much say you have in things.

If you are not a minor then you can do what you want to do about your own diagnosis, health care etc.

If you are a minor you might legally have to listen to your parents choices on those things. I'm not sure what the laws are in various geographic locations.

My instinct is to say it is your life and you should have the say in it.

The thing about AS (or autism in general) is that it's different for each person experiencing it. Just because you're not like another person with AS doesn't mean you don't have it at all.

Having a diagnosis isn't really putting a label on you, it's giving you a professional answer to "why am I so weird?" It's useful for getting social benefits and accommodations in school, but that's about it.

Personally, if you want to seek a diagnosis, there isn't really any harm in doing so.

If my kid was trying to get diagnosed I would not let them. It affects your life in many ways by being diagnosed. You can't pursue some jobs even though you are high functioning enough to work in that field of work for instance.

Not true. It's determined by your ability to perform properly at said job.

I think you really need some perspective. Your mother is your school, now she's your shrink, all the while the door is locked. Tell your dad to start parenting and help you get heard.

It sounds cruel, but I agree. Your mom isn't a professional, or someone that works with autistic children frequently. Anything she might say about you having/not having autism can only be confirmed by a professional. Just going by her word can be incredibly damaging in the long run.

Even if your mum is right that you have Asperger's, she is handling this badly.

What if you don't even have it and she's giving you this complex. You are only 16 and being told you have a lifelong neurological disorder by your parent without any clinical evidence of this is shocking. Also, by saying you are weird in front of others and talking about autism as if you definitely have it in front of others is not on.

It sounds like she is looking for her own reassurance that whatever issues you have are not caused by her parenting but by something she has no control over.

What is also wrong is that she thinks you have it but is doing nothing to help you, such as getting you assessed so you can access any help you may need. Just because you are home-educated now doesn't mean you will enjoy that level of cushioning from the reality of society forever.

At 16 you are old enough to decide if you want to get assessed. Speak to your doctor.

You sound like you are comfortable in yourself, that you know you are different and that is fine. At your age that is definitely a positive attitude to have.

I also think your mum has been offended by the idea that it has been her teaching methods that have made you different. It seems like she is possibly not that confident or has been criticized for home schooling?

If your mum would like to see that you are not treated differently because of AS then you could politely remind her that should start with her. She should be leading by example by not discussing this in front of others. Tell her this is a problem for you and she should discuss these issues in private.

At the moment I do not feel that you will change her mind about the diagnosis. I do think that you need to discuss this more with your parents and this should help with what is kept private and what is public.

If you plan to go on to higher education then a diagnosis could be useful.

I agree... This may sound a little harsh, but your mother seems to have a pathological trend of exposing you pretty heavily to only her opinion. The fact that she doesn't want you to have a label yet has already ascribed one to you and (from the sound of it) has drilled it in by giving you so much material on the subject is particularly telling. Especially considering that she is blocking outside opinions (an official test) and justifying her own choices (pointing out successful home school students).

The other side of this, though, is the fact that you're 16 and are obligated to live somewhat peacefully in your home. That means that you're in a tricky place. An official diagnosis will only get you so far in life. It really boils down to how you want to interpret your life. Are you happy with your life now?

You could always take two years to think about it and go to the doc on your own when you're 18...

R84, as far as your homeschooling goes, whether you like it or not, that would have absolutely nothing to do with you having AS or autism. While I'm sure there are homeschooled aspies out there, the vast majority seem to be products of the same educational institutions NT's attend.

If I were you I would follow your mother's advice and read what she asks you to. Nor would I become overly concerned with labels, which is what a formal diagnosis is. I think the important thing is to understand your symptoms and how to deal with them. This alone will help you improve and become the best person you can be. Treating a formal diagnosis as some kind of pedigree for group status is an absurd affectation at best.

The only reason a diagnosis would be important is as a qualification to participate in government handout programs. Otherwise, an formal diagnosis may wind up hurting you. There are now some jobs for which an AS diagnosis would present a disqualification, particularly the military, in which I served.

When you're a little older, you can make your own decisions. For now though, that is the job of your parents. It sounds as if your mother really does have your best interests at heart even if she may not always be right. After reading some of the horror stories of aspies in public schools, as well as my own, I hope you see having your mother spend a good part of her life seeing that you receive a tailor-made curriculum as an unmitigated blessing, even if she isn't always right. I would strongly recommend doing what she says and giving her a big hug for sacrificing so much of her time to give you every advantage in life.

Last edited by Thelibrarian on 17 Jun 2013, 11:06 am, edited 1 time in total.

Read up on it. If your Mom thinks you have AS, then learning about AS traits could be helpful to you. Even if you don't actually have it, chances are you have some traits of it or else your Mom wouldn't be thinking you have it.

Whether you get a diagnosis or not, you can learn strategies that might help you.

Your mother is not a mental health care professional and as such, does not have the diagnostic ability to make this statement.


Diagnosis is your most powerful tool when dealing with Autistic Spectrum disorders. I applaud you.


Your friend is not a mental health professional. This statement annoys me... it truly does... I am nothing like anyone here, beyond the human aspect... there are as many forms of autism as there Autistic Spectrum individuals...


No. She has not. She can suspect and tell people that you are, but a diagnosis can ONLY come from a mental health professional that is qualified to make said diagnosis.


And this is precisely why... Your mother has committed a cardinal sin here... She has belittled you and (if you have it) your condition...


And yet... she made you view yourself differently?


If you are happy, have a job, all the things that make you successful (home, car, job, etc)... then there is no need. Honestly. If you have HFA or AS and you have succeeded in these things, then you have reached the goals that any treatment program will provide (aka self sufficiency).

Thank you all very much for the helpful replies.

I'm more or less happy, it just depends on the month I suppose. The only bad things that AS would cause IF I did have it would be... well, I'll list them.

I jump at touching, BADLY. I was playing video games with my friend and in a joking manner, he poked me on both sides with his index fingers. I ended up dropping the controller and was halfway off the couch. A little shaken up I asked him why he would do that but he had a incredulous look on his face like, "What is wrong with you? You just fell over because I poked you." Then he kept doing it as we played and it got progressively worse as in, he could barely touch me and I would drop the controller and jump a fair amount, not off the couch but... you get it I think. If I'm dead asleep and someone touches me to wake me I jump quite a lot. My dad sometimes "Jokes around" by touching me to see if I jump and when I tell him to stop he says he's "desensitizing" me which is complete BS because the touching problem only gets worse as it happens. It would be best if no one touched me unless absolutely necessary.

I only have one friend, and he's frequently rude to me and calls me an idiot. I'm very awkward at parties and dances and I guess am just kind of a social nitwit. This is lots of people though, autistic or not.

I have trouble with eye contact. I talk chemistry and politics with two 40 and 50 year old men that I go to church with. They are very kind to me but I don't make eye contact which surely makes me look either immature or just insecure (maybe I am both... I don't know). If someone is annoyed or mad at me then I can't make eye contact at all... I mean, I guess I could, but it's quite a horrible thing to do.

I guess those are three big ones... but they could happen to NT's as well. Doesn't matter in the end, I'll perhaps just have a talk with my mom about not bring the AS thing up anymore and then I'll make a choice about diagnosis when I turn 18. I live in the USA by the way.

My 2¢'s is that an Asperger's diagnosis is a subjective thing. If you went to ten helping professionals not all of them would agree that you have it. However, they would all claim that they could "help" you. All of the psychiatrists would want to give you pills, and make an appointment to come back in two weeks and see how you are doing.

I think you should ask your mother to stop bringing up Asperger's. "Don't mention it again."