Projects with people vs "hanging out"

Post Reply New Topic

I find that I bond better with people when I work with them on a project, especially one that involves some of my special intrests. It seems like NTs think of bonding as sitting around doing nothing but chatting, and that's never worked for me. I'm sure this seems really obvious to most people, but this is new to me.

My last few serious relationships were all people I worked on writing with in some way, and that's how I got close to them. My friends these days and I, most of them got to know each other while working on projects in a drama community, putting on plays.

I guess my question is, how do you get close to someone without having something to focus on together? I find this really daunting.

I have not mastered the ability to get close to people without having a common interest or activity. I instead suggest that you join a community drama or theater group. If you want to push beyond your special interests volunteer for habitat for humanity or something and then you get to know people while also fixing up houses for people who need help.

I think you're wrong in this assumption. NTs, like anyone, bond most easily working together or during a mutual activity. That's why so many couples met at work, school, church, the gym etc.

One way I think females in particular bond is to seek help in a "crisis" and talk about emotions.

I had recently started sitting in lectures etc with a woman at uni, but we were basically just acquaintances at this stage (in my opinion). One night she sent me a text at around 1am, asking for support because she thought her boyfriend was going to dump her. The text woke me up and I was pissed off, because surely that could wait until the morning...it just didn't seem like a huge deal to me (and surely she had closer friends to contact?).

I sent her a text in the morning saying I just got her message (yeah I felt bad about that) and that I hoped everything went okay. She said it was all fine now. She never tried to get close to me again, and instead I saw her friendship with other women in the group becoming stronger. They would talk about relationship and other issues that I found petty, but that's how they bonded. I missed the boat.

And that happens to me allll the time.

So I think it is important to share in the emotional stuff as soon as it is offered, no matter how you really feel about it.

My question to you is this:
If your methods work for you, why change it? If you find meaningless chatter "daunting" why force yourself to this life style? It sounds as if you are managing just fine and don't need to change for anyone.