Relationships

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Have any of you been told that Aspies can't hold a relationship, one that is both physical and emotional?
I'm sick of hearing that. I've heard it from several people. Yes, I understand the whole social part of it, but that doesn't mean we can't have relationships.
What do you guys think?

I think it's bunk too. I was married and I know of other Aspies who are married or in relationships. We are all different and HFA and Aspergers have a wide interpretation and therefore we all have varying levels of functioning and abilities. Also because there are adult dx Aspies who only got dx after a dr who dx'd their kid(s) told them they have it too and those people are often married.

I have no problem with the physical part, it's the emotional part that screws me up. I'm so out of tune with peoples' emotional needs that it's difficult to maintain any kind of relationship, be it friendship or more. I don't even have a normal relationship with immediate family. I've been in enough relationships that I should have become better at it but for some reason I just can't seem to learn what comes natural to most people. I have a good therapist now and she's helping but I still don't know wtf she's talking about half the time.

I often wonder myself if people with ASD can have perfectly functional relationships. It's a good question you raise. This is my experience even thought it's just my own opinion. I think ASD sufferers can maintain a stable relationship with another person, whether physical or emotional for a very brief period of time before it becomes extremely overwhelming and psychologically draining and leads to feelings of lethargy and fatigue. It can cause no end of trouble when you hit that wall and very hard to recover from. The arguments that ensue when you and your partner are not on the the same page mentally because they don't understand you or where you are coming from. Also it's particularly painfully when the time invested and emotion, when you feel attached to someone ends abruptly. This is only my veiw point from only dating NT's. Unfortunately I have never had a close relationship or had the opportunity to date somebody else who has ASD like myself. Maybe it's one of the answers that would resolve the dating woes of the ASD community.

It's a good question to raise but also it is also a false assumption that Aspies cannot have relationships. I have had relationships but they haven't lasted longer than 2 years. I think that is because that the relationship was just simply not meant to be. It can be more stressful for an Aspie though if the relationship is not happy. I myself tend to be a hyper-sensitive person and this displays in different ways. It's really tough to actually have a perfectly functioning relationship. I analyse stuff so much that it often leaves me actually isolated OR the other person actually is just so un-aware that it makes it stressful because she wont actually have a clue what i'm on about. But also, life is kind of a journey for all people, and it's not all to do with the workings of the brain, there are many people who just find out that they are un-compatible. I have been one of those people. And i kinda get attracted to the wrong personalities also in the past which im more aware of now. Also, it's important to relax aswell. Relaxation can help SO much in a lot of things especially a relationship. Imho.

Interesting to read.

As I noted in another post - I am not diagnosed - but I have many of the characteristics of having Aspergers. This is a realization that has come to me only in the last week or so. So, forgive me if I seem ignorant or make mistakes.

Most of my relationships are and have been flawed. That has not, however, kept me from being married for more than ten years. It has definitely been a challenge though. That may be from my self-diagnosis or it may be from simply being around someone for that long. Its hard to say right now.

I am interested in reading and following this topic though.

Not true. That's like saying all blondes aren't smart.

I had a girlfriend once. We broke up a few months ago, but I'm lonely now. She doesn't know I'm an Aspie, but she put up with my stims, my tics, and quirky things that I like to do.

The emotional part is very hard for me as well. My fiance, Andrew is an Aspie as well. Its so hard sometimes because we both lack that sense of human emotion that makes it easy.

I think the key here is that some Aspies can't manage a relationship. I am pretty sure that some NT's would struggle with this too. Everyone is different.

Personally I have been married for more than ten years (to an NT ).
I only got my diagnosis earlier this year, so we had to battle through a lot of issues without really understanding the root cause. For example, I need time on my own like I need air to breathe. My husband didn't get this for a long time and took it as a personal affront, but finally he realised I am much happier and calmer if I get at least half a day a week (preferably more) where I am allowed to hide at home on my own to relax. Since diagnosis a lot of things are suddenly a lot clearer, and because we understand why I am how I am, it is a lot easier to deal with the 'how can we work around this'.

I will say that it takes a special person to be with an Aspie. They need the patience of a saint (if not in general life, at least with you), and they have to understand that you might not show emotion like other people, but that you do love them in your own way. They need a certain 'don't care about what other people think' confidence, to get them through the times when you make spectacular faux-pas in public.

But those people are out there - you just need to find them. Or date another Aspie.

Its harder. Its more of challenge for aspies to get into, and have romanatic relationships. But its not a law of physics that they 'cant have relationships'.

I had many relationships, most of them were short term because I did not know how to commit. When it got too far and we were past the honeymoon period, I would shut down and usually let her end it.

I have been married for 15 years. It really helps that my wife is very independent and is not emotional and does not speak a lot about love/feelings and never tried to get me to engage in those conversations. We hit a couple rough patches because I was too involved in projects (writing, editing video and so forth). I told her that I could change and she told me that I am a good person, but I do not have the change in me. However, she appreciates my effort and continues to give chances as long as I make the effort (taking care of my health and not living a completely separate life from everyone - just 90% instead of 100%).

This is what has worked for me, but we are all different people. I am fortunate, but your needs in a partner may be unlike mine.

In high school I had this problem... I would get involved with a girl and not really know how to maintain it... Every relationship ended when I hadn't talked to her in a week or so and I would be really confused because nothing bad had happened.
Once I got to college, though, I figured it out. The fact that I lived on the same floor as the girl I was dating helped. I didn't have a chance to put too much distance between us.
My fiance and I basically started living together right away... Like, one of us would stay over at the other's house every night before we moved in together after dating for six months. I don't think I'd recommend this for everyone, but it worked great for us!