meltdown....

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I have written down my experiences...and wonder if i had a meltdown or somthing ? I have had alot of these throug out my life,and i wonder what it is,
Im currently in the process of being diagnosed Aspergers, but not diagnosed yet.
Please tell me how you experience a meltdown ( if you get them)
In advance..sorry for my poor english( im norwegian)
This is what happend to me yesterday at the amusement park.


I wake up in the caravan , the kids slowly begin to waken. Everyone start to pack our stuff, ready to leav for the amusement park. « I run my race « and feel disturbed when Frank ( my boyfriend)wants me to cooperate.I have difficulty with "transitions" from one task to another, and the whole setting looks to me very confusing and messy / noisy . The kids are running around and arguing around us, and it is alot of visual and auditorial noise.
I can not continue in my own pace, because the folks need my help. I vanto go inside the caravan and do my own thing. Inside the condition is somewhat quieter than outside where the kids play.
I start building up an irritation, and comes with sarcastic comments to Frank. Trying to protect myself from the situation, which has built up to be an inner mess.
To process the various instructions, sounds, my own thoughts, the sequences of how things are done, the visual "noise" and feelings of confusion and frustration makes me take a "shutdown". I zone out..move myself away from the situation and gets in the back of the car. Close my eyes and try to shut down.
I can not talk to Frank about my feelings and what shows up in my process because we have guests, and I dont want to seem childish and demanding. But now I see art I have a need to "clean up" along the way as I go. Thoughts tangle in my head along the way, which I can not clarify . I would have gladly talked with Frank that this is too much for me ... and it boils in my head. I want to get out, and want to clear my head to Frank (cry / talk about it).
We are done packing the caravan, and we all sits in the car and drive towords the amusement park. things calm down a bit. But the kids in the car are exitend and noisy. I feel tense because I'm in a mental and emotional state where I feel like everyone around me looking right at me. And I think it's difficult. Almost unable to hold back tears. I put on sunglasses, and manage to shut out the world abit. We are finally there. we go out in the parking lot.
Things are going more smoothly so far, but still try to protect my self from the outside world. and i just follow the group as a shaddow. I dont want to particapate with talking or anything really . I I would rather like to be in a quiet place and process my thoughts and emotians before we go along. We get our ticets and walk inside the park. We go from station to station. The kids nag, and run around. Elianah ( my boyfriends daugther, she has ADHD) is acting all hyper and have her own querks and needs, and it annoys me that i just cant get "mental peace" She is another "environmental noise" for me.
When I am among the hundreds of strangers trapped in the middle of the park, I just want to lay down and give up. Can not sort something sensible way of thinking, it's not going to just pass..i fell lik im flodded with stimuli. I try to talk to Frank, poor guy, being torn between me and his daughter. I know that he has to hang out with her, but I need him now. It has gone too far.
We talk a bit, but not enaugh.. There are too many listeners around.
We talk about that I can go for a walk, and clear my mind . But my head is so full that its not sufficient to leave the situation . It had not helped. I MUST get out my feelings .. its to late...i finally break into tears. And the words out of my mouth comes like a wild river...all at once..

I am in tears, i runfrom frank, and it is clear to the other people around me that im in tears. I turn towords Frank and says «'ll call you» The feeling of claustrophobia is unmanagble. I want to disappear into a black hole. I flee away behind a building, and manage to find a little private place.
Crying uncontrollably. I clear the first lyer of emotions.. finally.
Frank calls me and I tell all about my thoughts, all my frustrations and feelings. The day startet of like me sitting in a roller coaster involuntary.
Frank fixes babysitting for the girl so he can come talk to me . He comes, and i cry.
Thoughts fall slowly into place, and my mind is restored to some cind of order. I understand that I have made scene, and i see that it is inappropriate for a 30 year old woman to behave this way. The feeling that everyone is looking at me and know my thoughts are difficult. I am so incredibly embarrassed .. sooo embarrassed ...
Meltdown is over, and the feeling I'm left with is shame. I am ashamed. Adults is not supposed to be this way..
I think more clearly now. The only thing that is left is a confident feeling that Frank understands. that it is safe around him. It is empty and quiet in my head. I'm exhausted, but safe.
Embarresed I go to where we were. I have thoughts about how to explain myself to Ane( the guest). Will she understand? I fell like all the other park visitors have experienced what happened to me, everybody knows. God so embarrassing.
I know what to say, because I trust Ane. She is my one and only friend. But it is still shameful.
We meet all together and move on. I get to talk abit to her, and she understands immediately. Everything calms down, now I'm just tired.
Later that day, I notice that the same nasty feeling of losing control is coming I had in fact had a need to sit down in peace with the adults and "land" while the kids were playing in the distance. But they are of course just kids beeing kids. . I choose to be left alone, when the others go rafting, it was a correct decition.
No im finally alone. I sit there on the bench, waiting for the others, Zooms out completely from the outside world. Now I am very drained. All I know is that I want to go home. I google "aspergers meltdown" and instantly i can relate...did i really have a meltdown? I fell like there is people out there expiriencing the same difficulties as my self. Knowing that does something to me, and I feel hopeless and good at the same time. Many others are in the same situation as me ... they feel the same. They experience the same. Others with aspergers ..I must tell Frank about this.
When the others are finished and come to me , they say "come on lets go" I reply "just go." And of course they understand that something is wrong. I nedd to talk to Frank.
Ane takes the kids and goes. Frank is left with me. More emotions come out into tears, and we have another round of meltdown. I crye and the words that come out ar caotic. He try to comfer me but it doesnt help. I just need to empty my thoughts, he just has to listen. . Frank is very understanding.
I wipe tears, and im calm again The hwole group sits down and eat, and I google "aspergers meltdown" on the phone and shows Ane the article. She reads what had just happened to me. She reads, and nods understandingly. She knows.
We are not talking anymore about situations until later in the day. When all three are sitting around a table while the kids play in the distance. Finally, when we all got time to really listen, g talk. And we agree that we are one experience richer. Ane knows me better .and I am confident in myself and her. No one has any unresolved issues. It is safe to feel like part of the group again I got a last but important recognition that all is fine. They do not think I was wierd ore stupid. They understand me and let me have my needs.
Now we are all satisfied by the day and can not wait to get home.

Sorry, but that doesn't sound like a meltdown, at all. Maybe a shutdown, but definitely not a meltdown.


Here's my experiences:
Meltdown - It's starts with you being irritable and snapping at people, your speech may sound curt. Then with every sound you hear, you get a little more irritated. Then you sort of lose all control of yourself. You start breathing harder, maybe even hyperventilating. You yell at people, but at some point words stop being formed and all you can do is make guttural, bestial screams and grunts. You feel hot and break out in a cold sweat, you scratch at your skin and pull at your hair like you're trying to rip straight from your body. You curl into weird positions (fetal or upside down), you drool uncontrollably. You can't really think thoughts anymore, at first you just feel this rage then you're body just starts becoming enveloped in this negative energy and it feels like your whole body is just thrumming with it (similar to how you can feel a power line hum with electricity). You lose the sense of time. You can't think about yourself, let alone anyone else. Your body is tense with energy and the only way to release it is through jerky movements, you'll start hitting yourself and headbanging (I've given myself a concussion by smacking my head on the ground and punching myself in the head). Even if it happens in public, you don't have that much control over it, and as soon as you get to a private place you let it out, because once you are at meltdown level, you do NOT come down until the meltdown has run it's course. The meltdown usually can take anywhere from a few minutes to a few hours, though it's usually longer than it is shorter. And then you have the recovery period where you can't talk, you're hollow, you can barely move, you feel mummified, and you just want to sleep for the next week. That usually lasts anywhere from a half hour to the rest of the day. Then after that you feel pretty embarrassed.
Shutdown - I'm not that great at describing this because I don't think I get it quite as often, but it's sort of like an existential crisis meets depression meets suicidal tendencies? I guess...? I'm not sure...