For those diagnosed in adulthood

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Do some of your friends tell you that they never would have guessed?


I get that a lot because from a very young age it was literally beaten into me to not do "weird things" (stimming, staring, talking at length about special interests, etc.) by bully's at school and an idiot Father at home. I kept most of my stimming to myself, doing it in my room when I was by myself or if I really couldn't handle that long when I was at school, I'd ask to go to the washroom and flap in the stall for a minute.. For the staring, I adapted by using sunglasses that people couldn't see into- People watching and acting have been 2 ways I've learned to mimic so well. I've ALWAYS known something was wrong with me, but for a number of reasons I never got the chance to be assessed. About 2 years ago (at 26) I was finally diagnosed with AS as well as ADHD among other things. My family and friends and I basically knew that I was ADHD, just didn't have a diagnosis, but we were kind of surprised about the AS. My family started reading more about it, though, and can actually see how most of my issues growing up and even in adulthood can be attributed to AS. People always tell me I "must be VERY high functioning" but the people who know me the most don't agree. Yes, I can mimic, but I have so many issues and struggles that my family thinks I'm on the lower end of AS (And not HFA because I didn't have delayed speech, my only speech issue was a lisp for a few years, but I was an early talker) and when I go to my AS support group for women, I feel like most of them are more normal than me.


I felt the background would help a little, but my main question is, do a lot of you get that "Oh, I never would have guessed!" or "I thought you just had a lot of quirks!" or "You must be very high functioning, then" even from friends that you've had for years once you disclose even though you know yourself you only SEEM "normal" because you've had to hide everything about yourself?

Yes, but the response that irritates me is when they decide the diagnosis is wrong - that there's no way I'm on the spectrum.

I can't decide what this response stems from:
their inability to accept my diagnosis,
their insecurity with the diagnosis,
their incomprehension of what being Autistic means,
or something else entirely.

But yes, I have gotten the "I would have never guessed" response.
To which I often want to respond, "Whoop-dee-doo - do you want a prize or something?"

But I don't, because I have trained myself to "act appropriately" for so many years.
It's exhausting.
Actually, the NT world is exhausting, because it is so completely intolerant.

That one annoys me, too. I had a friend say she knew one other person on the spectrum and decided since I wasn't like that person, that I couldn't possibly be on it.


I think it's harder to get recognition as women on the spectrum to begin with, it doesn't help when our friends don't support it either. I think when they say they couldn't tell they think it's reassuring (like how people always say "Well, at least you look good!" To people with an invisible illness, and think it's a good thing, when really it just feels like you've been dismissed AGAIN) I wish NT's would stop being so ignorant.

More often I get, "I kind of noticed" or "I can tell."

I also got the 'Oh, I would never have guessed', but then a few weeks later, he said that he'd been looking into it (ie reading up on it on the web and in the library) and he now saw several habits and mannerisms about me that seemed to be classical ASD, that he had previously just shrugged off as quirks.

I have tried talking to one of my several managers and she laughed AT me, & told me she had tried to start a betting pool in the office on what was wrong with me.

Then there's the head manager who suggested a place I can go get free-to-low-cost psychiatric help. Which was nicer, but... I'm not CRAZY. I just have some issues in my head and need to have my position moved to deal with it.

My husband tells me I need an official diagnosis before he believes me. That hurt, because my lil bro has an official diagnosis, & he sees all the "quirks" that my brother & I share.

So, yeah, there's that. I don't know. My AS friend diagnosed me before we both even knew what it was. He just said "you're the only person like me. We're different." I agreed but ran away. Lol. Oops.

I get this, too, but not by many NT's.



Yep, a lot of people have said to me "I just thought you had a lot of quirks" and stuff.

CheredIsTyping, I'm not crazy either, but I see a therapist. I'd recommend a psychologist over a psychiatrist, though, if you're considering it. They don't just see crazy people... You can go to help develop healthy coping skills and learn life skills in general, and depending on where you're from, a note from them can help you get the changes in your job that you need.

I am, however, sorry to hear that about your husband, because that's a stupid way to look at life in general. Doctors aren't above humans and get A LOT of things wrong.

Last edited by twich on 15 Jul 2013, 7:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

I usually get one of two reactions. Either people have a moment of recognition and then say "ooohhh" as if to imply "oh now I know why you are such a weirdo" or they say "really?" like it is something I am making up just to tease them. I don't suppose any reaction would be the "right" reaction. My least favorite reaction I have only heard a few times and I hate it. People will say something like "I don't like the word spectrum, it sounds like an excuse" or "I hope you don't use it as a crutch". Now thems fightin' words.

    In my opinion it likely is related to your interpersonal bond with them.
    Part of how people decide to interact positively -is similarity between you and them.
    If you feel even slightly 'safe enough' to disclose, then the bond likely has a 'nominal' strength.
    Autism is a significant dissimilarity, dissimilarities would have a tendency to weaken the bond between you.

    If they 'accept' a difference they may unconsciously see that as 'accepting' some weakening or distancing between the two of you.
    They may 'instinctively' feel they have to choose between believing you v. 'hating' you for being different -so to speak.

    My point is they may be choosing denial because they LIKE you.

    Weirder things have happened. =)

Well, only had one friend at the time, and she just didn't understand. She was confused. We haven't been friends for a long time, so I don't know if she ever got it or not.

Mostly people didn't react. They just sort of ignored it.

I think if I went to a high school reunion a bunch of people would go "so that explains a few things" but to do that they'd have to pay attention. I don't know if anyone cared about me enough to notice what I was like.

The reaction I got from (literally) everyone I told was "that explains so much!", then again my nickname through out high school was "crazy".
No one was all that surprised, and everyone took it pretty well. My best friends also have differences (psychological and biological disorders), so they accepted better than anyone else.

[quote="1401b] My point is they may be choosing denial because they LIKE you.

    Weirder things have happened. =)[/quote]

Wow, I was following your logical steps and then this. My head hurts getting to that conclusion.

I do agree, it seems likely, but I don't claim to understand how.

I've told few people, but those I have told have basicly stood there staring at me in stunned silence. Probably wondering what to say in such a way that I wouldn't take offence. The most common first comment is "how did you find out?". I guess that's a safe question for them.

Yeah, I was just formally diagnosed yesterday... My daughter who's 17 was diagnosed in January 2012 and that has been a blessing for the family as it helped us all in our relationswitH one another. Now with me getting diagnosed at 52, it helps me with what happened to me as a youth, teen, young adult, and through my marriages (2) bad ones with the totally wrong abusive type of men. Thank God I have met a man who understands me. We have been married for 2 years and he likes me the way I am. No more emotional abuse. Yes, a therapist helped me with the alcoholic (1st) and the NPD(2nd) husbands. When I decided to choose my own path at 47, it was very liberating. My God how enlightening it can be. To be diagnosed is a blessing for me. Hubby said he thought so all along and loves me so much the fun way I am. My family will probably never accept and agree with the diagnosis...denial. I don't think I'll bother them with it. It'll just make things more stressful. We'removingsoon anyway 1000 miles away so gatherings will be fewer. It's just so stressful. Ordered a book on managing the stress involved with Aspieness and social situations.

Aspergers wasn't a thing when I was a child, that is, it wasn't a thing that anyone knew about.

I haven't heard anyone say they never would have guessed. Only a few people left from that era are actually still around to hear about it. But I knew when I was a kid there was something wrong with me. I just couldn't put my finger on it (or give it a name).

Nothing wrong with you. :) ... Just different in a good way! I'm with you, not even autism, let alone Asperger's .

Some people aren't surprised, and others think No Way. I guess it all depends. My adoptive mother, otherwise known as TWWRM (The Woman Who Raised Me) or "TW" for short, thought I was normal. She also thought my adoptive sister was "normal". TW and my aunt (who works with kids as an aide!) observed and also thought my diagnosed PDD-NOS son was normal too, so go figure. TW wasn't quite NT herself. She was quite neurotic and later turned alcoholic, so I can't trust her judgment nor her memory since the alcohol probably killed more than half her brain by now. I think in retrospect my sister may have also been afflicted with AS or some other learning disability, but we were as different as night and day in our challenges. We were both lost in our own worlds and made a lot of erroneous assumptions about each other. She used to "space out" and didn't seem very caring. I seemed to care too much, but had no inkling why people didn't like me except that I was "annoying". She was not such a good student, I was a straight-A student. She had more fashion sense, and I was a pretty sad sack. She was a poor reader, I was a voracious reader. She had great abstract visual skills (decorating, etc.), sense of direction, whereas I was more detail oriented and could get lost in a paper bag. We both had our odd Special Interests we would get lost in. I think she had a predisposition to AS due to her/our father being a civil engineer and highly organized and into his various projects (and was also a big fan of Mussolini because "he made those trains run on time"). As to my family history, who knows. Apparently there are a high number of ASDs in my demographic group, so I can't say. So, being that AS can manifest so starkly different in girls under the same roof, it is not surprising that people don't often recognize it.