Relationship Advice

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AlexD
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Joined: 16 Sep 2012
Age: 30
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17 Jul 2013, 10:40 am

Hey Guys,

I'll try to keep this short as i know this story will be all too familiar with fellow aspies in relationships.

I've been going out with a girl for about 6 months. We've had snags before but have sorted them out but i'm worried about things more now as it seems my aspergers is becoming a bit more of an obstruction. The bottom line is, im struggling with understanding the emotional stuff ( not new really for some people on here i'm sure) I've been told i did something wrong. We had planned a couples day out. only 2 couples though. I had invited a friend along as she's been feeling pretty down lately and feels like she hasn't really got anyone. the only friends she has, happen to be couples. I can feel her pain that's for sure that's why i took sympathy and invited her. My girlfriend seems to think it was a bad idea and now my friend will become a "5th wheel" as it were. Although she doesn't seem too phased and i said i would keep her included. My girlfriend also thinks i have feelings for my friend but we're only best friends and that won't ever go further. My Girlfriend thinks i also undermine her and don't appreciate her. Would anyone agree? i want an honest opinion. She's fully aware of my condition and works with children with ranging learning difficulties. I have made it clear i do appreciate her and listen to her.

Sorry for rant guys but i feel you're the only people that understand/ can help

Thanks alot

Thelibrarian
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17 Jul 2013, 11:04 am

AlexD wrote:

I think it's important to remember in political matters--with politics being defined as dealing with others over whom we have no authority--that appearances are what really matters. In other words, what people think is more important than the reality. For this reason, I would leave your friend at home when out with your girlfriend. This is what ethicists call avoiding even the appearance of impropriety.

Good luck.

curlyfry
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17 Jul 2013, 12:35 pm

She sounds insecure maybe she'll grow out of it.

Geekonychus
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17 Jul 2013, 12:47 pm

Thelibrarian wrote:

AlexD wrote:

I can see both sides here. I don't know enough about your relationship to make a precise judgement either way.

That being said, I think excluding someone from group activities simply because they are single is a dick move, way more hurtful to someone's self-esteem than being a 5th wheel. Also, if this other girl really is your best friend (and therefore a big part of your life) your girlfriend is going to need to learn to deal. Acting like the two of them being around you at the same time is somehow an impropriety is ridiculous. You should be encouraging your girlfriend to be her friend too.

Geekonychus
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17 Jul 2013, 12:49 pm

curlyfry wrote:

She sounds insecure maybe she'll grow out of it.

Not likely. High strung girls need constant validation which is difficult to accomidate. If anything, it will only get worse unless she takes proactive steps to try to overcome it.

JustYoli
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17 Jul 2013, 1:03 pm

I as an NT can also see both sides. It may be that she was looking forward to an "only couples" day out and she may think you do have a thing for your friend. Really should have asked her first if she minded. She may feel you will be different or will be splitting your attention between her and your friend and she might have been looking forward to being the only one for a day.

I would say next time ask if it's OK if you invite a friend and if the answer is "it's only couples" plan something else with your friend.

Thelibrarian
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17 Jul 2013, 1:09 pm

Geekonychus wrote:

curlyfry wrote:

She sounds insecure maybe she'll grow out of it.

Not likely. High strung girls need constant validation which is difficult to accomidate. If anything, it will only get worse unless she takes proactive steps to try to overcome it.

Geekonychus, I think reciprocity comes in to play here. It is pretty hard to expect tolerance for our flaws and foibles if we aren't willing to extend the same tolerance to others where it concerns their flaws and foibles, including being insecure.

As far as your remarks directly to me are concerned, I'm not sure how it would be a "dick move" to want only couples on a couples' night out. If this relationship were to work out, and children were to be born, it would be perfectly permissible to want a mom and dad's night out with no children--or a boys' night out without the women--or a girls' night out without the men.

frankton
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Joined: 9 Jul 2013
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17 Jul 2013, 3:02 pm

Speaking as an NT female I'll say this: you should have asked her if it's ok to include your single friend on a couples' night out. Two issues here, really: if you're hanging out with your gf and you want someone else along you should always let her know first, AND, a couples' might out is by definition reserved for couples.

If your friend is an NT I doubt she would enjoy coming along as the "fifth wheel" on a couples' night out UNLESS she has hidden feelings for you and thus will take any time she can with you. To me that sounds like a nightmare evening, especially if she's feeling lonely as a single person. Your gf may have picked up on that.

I don't know anything about the way you treat your gf so I don't know if you show her you appreciate her or not. I will just say that simply telling her you do is not enough. This is one of those aspects of life where actions speak way louder than words.

nick007
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18 Jul 2013, 12:52 pm

When you & your girlfriend planned a couples night out; the word couples implied that it was only for couples. Your girlfriend is upset that your best friend is a girl other than her & that you decided to bring your friend without consulting her.

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bethko
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18 Jul 2013, 6:00 pm

I have a related question, why do couples want to go out with other couples? I understand why a couple would want to go out by themselves but I don't get why multiple couples prefer to travel in packs. I understand why single people like to go to singles groups and travel in packs, they are hoping to met someone. I also understand why parents like to socialize with other parents. I just can't seem to understand why couples like going out with other couples.
Thanks,
Beth Koenig

Thelibrarian
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18 Jul 2013, 6:11 pm

bethko wrote:

Beth, first off, I would guess not all couples do like to go out on couples' nights. I'm in a relationship and have only done so a few times. Having said this, I think NT's, as well as aspies, are most comfortable with those with whom they share something in common. In fact, this entire website is set up to take advantage of this very human trait by creating a site for those of us who have AS or autism in common.

Does this answer your question? Or do you have something else in mind?

JBO
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18 Jul 2013, 10:05 pm

bethko wrote:

Maybe they're insecure and if they go out with other couples they don't have to worry about competition?

alysa2
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20 Jul 2013, 2:04 am

Thanks for sharing such a great and awesome ideas here.I have learned so many new and awesome information from here .

ASDsmom
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20 Jul 2013, 2:17 am

AlexD wrote:

I had invited a friend along as she's been feeling pretty down lately and feels like she hasn't really got anyone. My girlfriend seems to think it was a bad idea and now my friend will become a "5th wheel" as it were. My girlfriend also thinks i have feelings for my friend but we're only best friends and that won't ever go further.

My Girlfriend thinks i also undermine her and don't appreciate her. Would anyone agree? i want an honest opinion. She's fully aware of my condition and works with children with ranging learning difficulties. I have made it clear i do appreciate her and listen to her.

The 5th wheel scenario is like the cherry on top of a bigger problem. She feels you don't appreciate her - period. You need to address this situation and ask yourself WHY she would feel this way? Have you provoked this in her or is she simply insecure? Ask her to give you examples (since it may be difficult for you and your ASD) and see if you can find some truth in her words.

As for your best friend, I can see why it would be awkward for her to attend, being the only single person in the group. So, in a social situation, keep that in mind for next time. If she's feeling down, you don't want to unintentionally make her feel worse. Having said that, just because your gf had a good point, it doesn't mean were undermining her (in this scenario). Your heart was in the right place.

You may also want to ask your gf why she feels there's something going on with you and this friend.

motley
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Joined: 12 Jun 2013
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20 Jul 2013, 2:34 am

I have learned that I should always check with my partner before making or changing plans.

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AlexD
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Joined: 16 Sep 2012
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24 Jul 2013, 8:10 am

Thanks so much for the reply guys,

Definitely something i'm going to remember is always to talk to my partner before going ahead and making plans/ inviting other people. It is always difficult trying to juggle and keep everyone happy. I am worried that by trying to do the right thing, I have ended up doing the wrong thing. The problem now is that my girlfriend won't go because I have invited this friend and she thinks she's going to be left out. That is completely fair to say but i can't exactly uninvite my friend now because then she will feel like i'm pushing her out. I know this situation will eventually sort itself out. I think my partner does have a lot of insecurities which seem to get worse because i don't understand them very well. I'm talking to her to understand them and try and understand why she thinks something is going on and like someone said previously, appearances do seem to be read into more than reality and that's probably what she sees.

Anyway, im sure it will get resolved soon

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